How to Help Someone Grieving During the Holidays

The Holidays are quickly approaching, and though it’s a magical time for most, those who have experienced a recent loss tend to struggle. Family gatherings and celebrations are often a painful reminder of what is missing in their life. As I think back over the past nine years following my daughter’s death, I realize there were many people who made a conscious effort to help us get through the Holidays. I wanted to compile different ways to help someone experiencing grief survive this time of year. 

1. Acknowledge the loss. It’s okay to acknowledge the loss. Often times people say, “I don’t want to make them sad,” but I can assure you they’ve already thought about their situation. Please realize that by saying, “I’m sorry,” at any time after someone has passed away is never inappropriate or too late.
   
   
2. Don’t be afraid to ask. We experienced Christmas just a few months after we lost our daughter. I realize it was difficult for family to know or understand the best way to help us, but I was so grateful when one side of the family asked how they could make it easier for us. I was thankful they asked, because though I loved my nephews and nieces, I didn’t want to watch them open presents. I just couldn’t. I felt guilty for feeling this way, but couldn't help it. When a family member asked how they could help, I was grateful to be given the opportunity to quietly share my feelings. After conversing, we decided that my husband and I would take off a little early on Christmas Eve before they opened presents. In contrast, when we visited the other side on Christmas day, I didn’t dare speak up and they carried on with tradition as usual. After watching the kids open presents, I went downstairs and cried. It made for a difficult day.
   
   
   
3. Think about all family members. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a million times easier finding a grief related gift for women than it is men and boys, but one thing I’ve observed is that males need to know they have support too. Try to acknowledge everyone in the family, including children. One year I dropped off a gift for a neighbor who had recently lost his brother. His wife later told me that it was the first time he had been given a gift, everyone else had only thought about his parents. Since then I’ve made a conscious effort to focus on more than just the female(s) in the family.  Here are some gift suggestions for men -here, and children - here.
   
   
   
4. Take Action. While grieving, it’s not uncommon to find it difficult to celebrate. A great way to help someone grieving is by incorporating their loved one into the holiday. Christmas ornaments, decor, jewelry, or even decorating headstones can be a great way to help remind them their loved one won’t be forgotten. When my husband and I struggled to decorate that first year, my dad showed up on our doorstep a few days before Christmas with a tree and angel ornaments in hand. (Read more about it here) I bawled while decorating the tree and was grateful for his unwavering support. I could tell he was nervous, but I’m so grateful he decided to act. To this day, we still decorate our angel tree with the same ornaments he bought us and use it as a way to incorporate Preslee during the Holidays.
5. Lighten their load. The holidays can be a stressful time of year for many different reasons, but when grief gets mixed in, it becomes just plain hard. One way to help relieve the stress of those grieving is by lightening their load. Whether it be dropping off paper products to help with dishes, making/buying dinner, or shoveling their walk way, your act of kindness won’t go unnoticed.
   
   
   
6. Read. If you aren’t familiar with the grieving process, take a few minutes and look into it. One of the best ways to support someone is learning more about their situation. This will help you understand what they need and will hopefully help you be a little more sympathetic to their situation. My aunt sent some information on grief to my parents right before the Holidays and my mom later shared with me how grateful she was for it. Understanding the grieving process will go a long ways and might just give you a little glimpse of why they are reacting or feeling the way that they are.

I know we’re not alone in this, because so many of you have shared similar experiences. Was there something that someone specifically did that helped you during the Holidays that I missed? If so, let us know, below.

Give Presentlee’s christmas project

The first Christmas after losing Preslee was awful. With no kids to focus on, and missing Preslee more than we could bare, Pat and I didn’t even discuss Christmas. I just couldn’t get myself to go there. We didn’t decorate, we didn’t watch a single Christmas movie, we avoided it all costs. We desperately hoped family wouldn’t ask us to watch nephews and nieces open presents that year. We just couldn’t do it.



To our surprise, about a week before Christmas, people began showing up. A tree was brought into our home and decorated. People dropped off incredibly thoughtful gifts. Anonymous cards with money were sent and gave us the push to Christmas shop for family members. And a stranger even sent us a gift card to Texas Roadhouse and told us she wanted us to have something to look forward to. We ended up inviting some friends and I remember actually laughing that night, something that I hadn’t done much of in months.
Every Christmas I think back to that time and recognize how much every act of kindness meant to us. People’s actions truly made a difference in our lives and I’ve wanted to be able to do the same ever since.

This year on December 17th, and what would be Preslee’s 10th Birthday, the Give Presentlee Foundation wants to make a difference for other families. We want to show up on multiple doorsteps (or send packages) and spread a little hope to those struggling this year just like we were eight years ago.



Last year our Give Presentlee Bags were a HUGE SUCCESS because of so many of YOU! This year we’re asking for your help again and there’s two ways to get involved.


Nominate - Our mission with the Give Presentlee Foundation is to help families affected by tragedy. Do you know a family or individual that has experienced something difficult and could use a little extra help this holiday season? If so, we would love to learn more about them and their situation. Please fill out this form to have them considered for a donation on December 17th. We will most likely be sending/giving cash to help with Christmas (Or other things if we see fit) and anyone in the US can be considered.


Donate- Last year while we were compiling bags (to learn more about this project, click here, and scroll down to the bottom of the page) for Primary Children’s Hospital, we were blown away with how many people wanted to contribute. It was because of so many of YOU that our project was an incredible success! If you’re looking to donate this Holiday season, we would love to be considered. The more money we can raise means the more people we can help. We will be using the money Presentlee donated from all the purchases made throughout the year, and we promise ALL of the donations made will be given to this cause.

You can donate here or just below.

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who has purchased from Presentlee this year. This really was the main reason we launched the store, it was my hope to find a way to give back and you’ve helped us accomplish it.

Thank you to all those who continually support us with our endeavors for Preslee’s Birthday. We have such an amazing support system and will be forever grateful.

18 Months

(Oaklee)

A little before Oaklee turned one years old, I began feeling anxious. With Oaklee being our last, I thought I was mourning the fact that we were leaving the baby phase behind. But six months later, the anxiety only heightened. I was short, ornery, and impatient with the kids and didn’t know why. Feeling desperate, I decided to do what I used to, I sat down to write… and as my fingers began typing, it didn’t me long to understand.

(Oaklee)

The difficult thing about grief is that it doesn’t seem to always present itself the same way. Therefore, it isn’t always easy to identify what is being felt. It’s easy to mistake it for something else, especially years down the road when grief isn’t as constant anymore.

I came to realize I had been pushing thoughts and  emotions aside. And though it might not make sense, I realized I was grieving a new chapter we were about to enter into. Since Oaklee is our last baby, once she turns 19 months, Preslee becomes our youngest—forever. And in a way, it seems like we’re leaving her behind. I know that it doesn’t necessarily make sense, but suddenly our family is moving forward- without her.

(Preslee)

Over the past few months, I feel like I’ve taken about a million steps backward as I’ve felt anger and resentment come to the surface again. I’ve seen so many nine year olds (The age Preslee would be) thriving and loving life. Many are developing talents and it makes me wonder what Preslee would have been into. When I look at Oaklee and think about where Preslee should be, and at what age we lost her, I’ve deeply mourned all that we’ve missed.

Joseph Smith once taught:

"The mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction, and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of stature of it's spirit...When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test."

(Oaklee)

As I think about what lays ahead of me, I marvel at His plan - that He cares enough to give me the blessing of raising my daughter from the exact moment we said goodbye. Having an 18 month old in the house is always bittersweet, but I made sure to pay extra attention to the little reminders I had of Preslee throughout the last couple of months.

(Preslee)

As sisters they share the same hair, nose, and many facial expressions. They both have a love for lipstick and necklaces. And I adore the way they both light up when I take them shoe shopping, or turn Elmo on. I hope to never forget the way they both wrap their little arms around me to give me a hug while simultaneously saying “momma” in my ear. It melts me every single time.

Someday.

(Preslee)

Someday I’ll experience all that I’ve missed. But until then, I’ll keep trudging forward, holding on to the promise of holding Preslee in my arms again. But, until that day, I’ll continue trying my best to handle whatever grief throws my way. But I do know all will be okay -

Someday.

Be Present Service Challenge

It’s no secret that service flooded my life after losing Preslee. Countless people served me and it wasn’t until I began serving others that I was lifted out of the deep dark hole I found myself in. I still depend on service years later when I feel grief creeping back in. I have learned so much over the years, from not only my own experiences, but from many of the experiences you’ve shared with me.

A little less than a year ago, I posted a survey asking what readers wanted to read on the blog. I was hoping for a few suggestions, but I was BLOWN AWAY with the number of responses!  (Hundreds! Thank you! )Two of the topics that kept arising were:

• How to find happiness during trying times?
• How to help others experiencing difficult times?

I’ve thought about these two questions and have come to realize the answers are both very intertwined. I’ve had an idea swimming around in my head for quite some time and after brainstorming with my team over at Presentlee, we got to work creating a solution that will help people understand these topics a little better.

We’ve created a six week service challenge. Yes, six weeks, but don’t freak out! I promise it isn’t as overwhelming as it may sound. I’m a busy mom (just like many of you) and don’t have time for anything drastic, but I’ve learned it’s the little changes that make the biggest difference.

So we’ve made the challenge easy and you can pick how involved YOU want to be. We’ve selected topics each week to help anyone participating slowly think outside themselves a little more.

The topics each week are:

Week 1 – Love Yourself
Week 2 –  Love Your Spouse // Loved one
Week 3 – Love Your Kids
Week 4 – Love Your Friends
Week 5 – Love Your Neighbors
Week 6 – Love Your Community

For each topic we will give you a printable to guide you through the week that looks like this.

In preparation, I recently asked people to share their concerns of what holds them back when it comes to serving others. Whether it be confidence, money, or ideas, over the next six weeks we will be giving you tips, tricks, and ideas to help you support the people YOU LOVE. Because let’s be honest, it can be difficult to show up on somebody's doorstep and not know exactly what to do or say.

HOW TO START

Every Sunday the next week’s topic will be posted here on the blog which allow you to prepare for the next week. All six printables are linked above if you want to look ahead. Each printable gives three options of service ideas and the supplies needed for that week. You can do as many of the options as you’d like, or adapt it to fit your needs.

We hope you’ll join us for the challenge. To be honest, the reason I serve is often just as much for myself as it is to help the people I’m serving. I’ll expound more on this in my next post, but if you have questions, please let me know!

So grab friend to do this challenge with (It’s always more fun with a friend, and they help keep you on track) and follow along on Instagram @give.presentlee where I’ll be incredibly active, sharing personal experiences, tips/tricks and giving away prizes.

Let’s make a goal to Be More Present and spread hope to those who need it most. I can’t wait for all of us to make a difference – together.

Ready to start? Click here to take a look at Week 1.

How to help someone grieving during the holidays

The Holidays are quickly approaching, and though it’s a magical time for most, those who have experienced a recent loss tend to struggle. Family gatherings and celebrations are often a painful reminder of what is missing in their life. As I think back over the past seven years following my daughter’s death, I realize there were many people who made a conscious effort to help us get through the Holidays.  I wanted to compile different ways to help someone experiencing grief survive this time of year. 

1. Acknowledge the loss. It’s okay to acknowledge the loss. Often times people say, “I don’t want to make them sad,” but I can assure you they’ve already thought about their situation. Please realize that by saying, “I’m sorry,” at any time after someone has passed away is never inappropriate or too late.
   
   

2. Don’t be afraid to ask. We experienced Christmas just a few months after we lost our daughter. I realize it was difficult for family to know or understand the best way to help us, but I was so grateful when one side of the family asked how they could make it easier for us. I was thankful they asked, because though I loved my nephews and nieces, I didn’t want to watch them open presents. I just couldn’t. I felt guilty for feeling this way, but couldn't help it. When a family member asked how they could help, I was grateful to be given the opportunity to quietly share my feelings. After conversing, we decided that my husband and I would take off a little early on Christmas Eve before they opened presents. In contrast, when we visited the other side on Christmas day, I didn’t dare speak up and they carried on with tradition like usual. After watching the kids open presents, I went downstairs and cried. It made for a difficult day.
   
   
   

3. Think about all family members. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a million times easier finding a grief related gift for women than it is men and boys, but one thing I’ve observed is that males need to know they have support too. Try to acknowledge everyone in the family, including children. One year I dropped off a gift for a neighbor who had recently lost his brother. His wife later told me that was the first time he had been given a gift, everyone else had only thought about his parents. Since then I’ve made a conscious effort to focus on more than just the female(s) in the family.  Here are a couple gift suggestions for men -here and here, and children - here.
   
   
   

4. Take Action. While grieving, it’s not uncommon to find it difficult to celebrate. A great way to help someone grieving is by incorporating their loved one into the holiday. Christmas ornaments, decor, jewelry, or even decorating headstones can be a great way to help remind them their loved one won’t be forgotten. When my husband and I struggled to decorate that first year, my dad showed up on our doorstep a few days before Christmas with a tree and angel ornaments in hand. (Read more about it here) I bawled while decorating the tree and was grateful for his unwavering support. I could tell he was nervous, but I’m so grateful he decided to act. To this day, we still decorate our angel tree with the same ornaments he bought us and use it as a way to incorporate Preslee during the Holidays.

5. Lighten their load. The holidays can be a stressful time of year for many different reasons, but when grief gets mixed in, it become just plain hard. One way to help relieve the stress of those grieving is by lightening their load. Whether it be dropping off paper products to help with dishes, making/buying dinner, or shoveling their walk way, your act of kindness won’t go unnoticed.
   
   
   

6. Read. If you aren’t familiar with the grieving process, take a few minutes and look into it. One of the best ways to support someone is learning more about their situation. This will help you understand what they need and will hopefully help you be a little more sympathetic to their situation. My aunt sent some information on grief to my parents right before the Holidays and my mom later shared with me how grateful she was for it. Understanding the grieving process will go a long ways and might just give you a little glimpse of why they are reacting or feeling the way that they are.

I know we’re not alone in this, because so many of you have shared similar experiences. Was there something that someone specifically did that helped you during the Holidays that I missed? If so, let us know, below.

Oaklee turns one!

This was the quickest year of my life! But one of the sweetest by far. Words can’t even express how much we love this little girl. Patrick even admitted how happy he was that I talked him into one more :)

This girl woke up and caught on quickly something special was going on. She was the sweetest thing, loving the decor above the table and giving hugs to the adults throughout the entire day. My parents made the trip down to celebrate with us, which made the day even more special. 

I know its blurry, but it just captures what life is like with her perfectly.

Details to Remember:

• Buying pink decorations literally made my life. I won’t ever take that for granted.
• Oaklee kept giving my dad hugs throughout the day and attached to my mom’s hip.
• The boys excitement over every single thing.
• Homemade Cafe Rio Salads for dinner. Ledger out ate everyone by far!
• The boy picked out her Coconut cake and said it tasted, “Fantastic!”
• Oaklee was my only baby to really enjoy her cake. She loved hers and my mom’s as well.
• It was just a very happy and sweet day. Grateful she’s ours.

Oaklee at one:

• In 12-18 mo clothing.
• Size 4 diapers
• She has the smallest feet! Shoes are such a struggle. Still in the first size of mocs.
• 8 teeth, a bottom molar just popped through.
• Sleeps from 6 pm – 7 am.
• Still not walking, my slowest walker by far!
• Says: “Mama, Dada, A-choo, Banana, Night Night, Hi, Boo.” Cannon recently taught her how to growl…
• Loves emptying any shelf or drawer in record time.
• Loves her brothers and Pog.
• Has bonded with her dad a lot more lately, they are the cutest little buddies.
• My number one mama’s girl out of all my kids.

It’s been a struggle to watch my youngest turn one! But looking forward to see who she becomes even more. Happy Birthday Oaklee Grace, we love you!

October 2017 Update

It’s been awhile since we’ve updated, so here goes!

Patrick – Started a new job this summer. Now knowing where we are going to be, we bought a home in North Salt Lake. He works for National MedsTrans, a division of United Health Care. He manages transportation benefits for health care plans and members. He’s been staying busy after work with all the projects Ashley has lined up for him working on the new house.

Ashley – Stays busy running the kids around. She’s almost finished painting the entire house, (including ceilings) hallelujah!  She can usually be found with Oaklee on her hip, and Pog at her heels while simultaneously helping with homework or playing with the boys. Moving out of the small rental has done wonders for her sanity.

Preslee – Continues to influence in many different ways. Ashley received the sweetest e-mail from an Atheist who had discovered her Instagram account. It’s been long enough now that Ashley is hearing back about Presentlee, and the hard work is paying off. Ashley has been busy designing new products that will be released within the next month that will hopefully help people in need.

Ledger – Loves 1st grade! He loves playing soccer at recess and loves playing with Oaklee when he gets home. He looks forward to mom reading him Harry Potter ever night before bed and thinks having his own room is the greatest.

Cannon – Has excelled with preschool! He’s become such a happy kid and become more willing to put himself out there with other kids. He’s been doing well in speech and mastered the initial “f” and “z” sounds and started working on “s” this week.

Cruiz – Is also attending speech and finally mastered his  initial “f” sound! Yay! He also loves preschool and wrote his name for the first time yesterday. He spends his afternoons building storm trooper ships with Legos and cuddles up with mom every night before bed

Oaklee –  It’s hard to believe Oaklee’s first year is coming to an end! The last few weeks, Oaklee went from being a easy laid back little thing to full a full on tornado! She empties the kitchen drawers in seconds and squeals with delight the entire time she’s doing it. She has no interest in walking and speed crawls everywhere she goes.

Pog – Seems to be getting a little ornery in her old age :) She’ll be turning 10 this December and for whatever reason hasn’t adjusted well to this move. She follows Ashley around wherever she goes, and scratches at the back door continuously. She’s in heaven though while Oaklee sits in her highchair and feeds Pog her entire meal.

Lets Talk About Grief

I recently received a message telling me I needed to stop sulking and since I’ve been able to have more kids, it’s time to get over my situation.

I’ll be honest, the comment made me a little upset. But after letting some time pass, I realized though I understand why I write what I do, and I’m pretty certain those who have been here from the beginning understand, my blog has grown over the years and new readers might not understand why I continue to write about death and grief.

After Preslee died, I was shocked at what grief entailed. Why hadn’t anybody talked about this? Why didn’t I understand what was happening to me? Was I crazy? Was what I experiencing normal? I didn’t know many people who had lost children, so I felt completely alone and overwhelmed.

Just following Preslee’s funeral, I honestly never expected anyone to check back in again on the blog. But as people continued to leave comments and send e-mails, (I’ve been blessed with the most incredible support group) I decided to write a post about grief. I was astounded at the outpouring of love I received. Many people shared that they had  experienced the same feelings and emotions, and let me know that I wasn’t crazy. Though I was grateful for the many responses, it left me confused. Why was death such a taboo topic? I’ve come to learn that everyone will be affected by death at some point in their life, and if all these people who reached out to me felt the same way, why did people get so uncomfortable when I said my daughter’s name?

I promise, I’ll always be the first to say I have been blessed beyond measure. I still can’t believe less than six years after Preslee’s death we have four other children in our home, (another girl included!) There’s never a day I take them for granted.  But even though I have them, it doesn’t mean that I don’t experience grief at times. As bad as I wish I could just wash it all aside, I can’t. I’ve learned it doesn’t really work that way. The harder I fight it, the worse it seems to become. So I’ve learned to let it run its course, trying to function the best way I know how to at the time. 

So, why do I continue to write?

My goal is to simply educate. Over the years I’ve received letters sharing that my posts have helped them realize they aren’t alone in what they are experiencing. I feel like I was lucky enough to have many of you reassure me that happiness could return, and the hope you gave me was simply irreplaceable. My goal is to do the same for others.

I also hope to let those who haven’t experienced a loss understand that grief doesn’t suddenly disappear a year later. It truly is a life long journey, and that it really is okay to grieve. I’ve told Pat, time and time again, if what I write helps just one person, it’s completely worth being vulnerable and opening up to the world. 

So, next time you stumble across one of my post on grief, please don’t mistake it for anything other than trying to share what I’ve learned. I’m not looking for pity, or even sulking. This journey through life can be difficult, my hope is we can get through it, together.