When Preslee, our 18 month old daughter passed away, (read more about it here) Patrick and I were in our early twenties and were at a loss when it came to knowing how to plan a funeral. It was difficult for us to focus and remembering everything that needed to be done before the funeral was difficult. We were grateful for family and friends who stepped in to help.
When someone you care about loses a loved one, you might find yourself wanting to help, but uncertain what is actually helpful during such a difficult time. Here are 12 different ways to help a family who is planning a funeral.
1. Offer to find clothing. Preslee died in SLC, UT which was 3 1/2 hours away from home. My sole focus after she passed away was how and when her body would be transported back to Idaho safely. Without hesitation, Patrick's stepmom asked if it would be okay if she stopped by Nordstrom Rack on the way home to grab some options for me to wear to the funeral. Finding a dress wasn't something I had even thought about and I immediately said yes. She grabbed three appropriate dresses in three different sizes and brought them home for me to try on. She returned the others and also found me some coordinating heels. Patrick's dad also took Pat to find a suit. We were so grateful that they both did that for us. I assure you the last thing I wanted to do during that week was pick out an outfit for my daughter's funeral.
2. Offer to accompany them. Once we arrived in Idaho, it was time to meet with the funeral home. Patrick and I were overwhelmed and barely functioning. Patrick's dad asked us if we would like him to come with us. We immediately said yes. To be honest, I kind of zoned out while they went over all the details and thankful I only had to answer the important questions.. It was nice to know that someone who loved us and had our best interest at heart was there to help. Having a loved one there might be helpful in many different ways.
3. Offer your talents. Like I mentioned earlier, Preslee's body didn't immediately come home to Idaho with us and then some complications arose. (I had no idea transporting a body could be so difficult). With extra time on our hands, my friend, a cosmetologist, sent me a text saying, she knew I had a lot going on, but if I wanted my hair cut and colored she would love to do it free of charge. I remember reading the text to Pat and he immediately encouraged me to go. He thought the alone time with one of my best friends would be beneficial for me. So I agreed to go, and was grateful to escape all of the planning for a bit. She listened while I spoke about Preslee and supported me. If you have something to offer that might seem useful, please don't hesitate to offer it! But if they decline, please don't be offended.
4. Create a Slideshow. My Sister-in-law immediately offered to make a slideshow for the viewing. She came to me, accessed my computer and took the pictures we wanted. I didn't have to do a thing and nearly ten years later, I still watch it from time to time. I'm not sure I would have gotten around to making the slideshow, and I think looking at all those pictures would have been difficult for me. I'm grateful she took it upon herself to get it done without involving me too much.
5. Decorate. My dad's sisters offered to decorate for the viewing. Instead of purchasing flowers, my dad's five siblings used the money to put towards purchasing large frames and pictures of Preslee. When I walked in to the viewing and saw what they had done I just cried. They had grabbed items from her room and bought things that had meaning to us to help represent Preslee. They did a great job and it was such a blessing to not have to think about decorating during that time.
6. Cemetery. We needed to decide which cemetery to bury Preslee in. After viewing three different cemeteries, we decided to bury her next to family. My Grandpa gave us three family plots and also took care of the fee for digging the grave. It was such a sweet gesture, and made the process easier for us. Offering to pay for the burial fees could be a very sweet gift for a family experiencing grief.
7. Food. I'm not sure who was involved, but our fridge stayed stocked during that entire week coming home from the hospital and until the funeral. It was such a blessing because we didn't want to go out in public and see people at the store. We were barely eating, and it was nice to have healthy options in the fridge. Someone gave us a deli platter and fruit and it was nice to have filling and healthy food that didn't take much prep work. I often deliver this now to families after they lose a loved one. Dropping off food and basic needs could be extremely helpful.
8. Supporting them at the funeral home. If you're really close to the family, it might be nice to offer to help dress the body. My mom did this, and I was so grateful. I'm going to be honest, I had very little experience with death before Preslee, and it was shocking for me to see her body days after her death. I took it pretty hard. It was clear to me that she was no longer there and I think it was during that moment that it all really sunk in. I panicked at the sight of my new reality. My mom read the situation and just stepped in for me while I stood there and cried. I was so grateful that it wasn't all left for Pat to do either. I know everyone is different, and some people might like to do this in private, but I think offering your support during this situation could be helpful.
9. Think about what they might need. This might seem like a small one, but Pat's stepbrother walked into the viewing with a case of bottled water. The viewing went much longer than expected, (over 4 hours) and after talking that much, I remember being grateful for that water. Take a minute to stop and think about the viewing/funeral and think about what they might need. Will it be freezing at the burial site? Maybe throw in some extra blankets. Will children need things to stay occupied? If so, go and grab some fun new things for them. The family will most likely not be thinking about anything other than the person they are burying, so thinking ahead might really help them.
10. Offer to babysit. When I was in high school, our neighbors lost their son in a car accident. The family had a young baby and my mom asked me if I would be okay with babysitting the baby if the baby cried during the funeral. My mom wanted the family to be able to hear the service, which I thought was incredibly thoughtful. I agreed and so did the family. Shortly after the funeral started, the baby began to fuss and I took her out through the entire service. Though Pat and I didn't have any other kids when Preslee passed away, I now realize that planning a funeral could be difficult with little kids in tow. I think offering to babysit while they are busy planning or even during the funeral would be a great way to help.
11. Please remember the funeral isn't about you. I've received many e-mails over the years telling me stories about how difficult the viewing/funeral was due to close family and friends. The last thing people planning a funeral need to worry about is other people. They are most likely trying to just survive. If you are family and they don't pick you to be part of the funeral service, (to talk or be a pallbearer) please don't be offended. If you offer to help and they turn you down, please don't get upset. They are most likely solely focused on burying the person they love and it's difficult to think of others during that time.
12. Just be there for them. We had family supporting us through it all. My parents were always by my side from the moment they heard Preslee was in the hospital. Anything we asked of them, they did it. Patrick's family did the same. As soon as we knew Preslee wasn't going to recover, Pat's brother and his family booked plane tickets and flew across the country to be there with us. Pat asked him to speak at the funeral and he didn't hesitate to say yes. Feeling supported during such a difficult time was a huge blessing.
Patrick, his dad, and brothers.
There was more that others did for us, and we'll always be grateful for their service. My suggestion is if you really want to help, try to take all the work away from them and let them focus on what they need or want to. They are most likely in survival mode trying their best to get through each day. I'm so grateful we aren't forced to experience trials alone, so please don't hesitate to reach out.
Do you have other ways to help a family during a funeral? If so, please share in the comments below!
When someone you care about loses a loved one, you might find yourself wanting to help, but uncertain what is actually helpful during such a difficult time. Here are 12 different ways to help a family who is planning a funeral.
2. Offer to accompany them. Once we arrived in Idaho, it was time to meet with the funeral home. Patrick and I were overwhelmed and barely functioning. Patrick's dad asked us if we would like him to come with us. We immediately said yes. To be honest, I kind of zoned out while they went over all the details and thankful I only had to answer the important questions.. It was nice to know that someone who loved us and had our best interest at heart was there to help. Having a loved one there might be helpful in many different ways.
3. Offer your talents. Like I mentioned earlier, Preslee's body didn't immediately come home to Idaho with us and then some complications arose. (I had no idea transporting a body could be so difficult). With extra time on our hands, my friend, a cosmetologist, sent me a text saying, she knew I had a lot going on, but if I wanted my hair cut and colored she would love to do it free of charge. I remember reading the text to Pat and he immediately encouraged me to go. He thought the alone time with one of my best friends would be beneficial for me. So I agreed to go, and was grateful to escape all of the planning for a bit. She listened while I spoke about Preslee and supported me. If you have something to offer that might seem useful, please don't hesitate to offer it! But if they decline, please don't be offended.
4. Create a Slideshow. My Sister-in-law immediately offered to make a slideshow for the viewing. She came to me, accessed my computer and took the pictures we wanted. I didn't have to do a thing and nearly ten years later, I still watch it from time to time. I'm not sure I would have gotten around to making the slideshow, and I think looking at all those pictures would have been difficult for me. I'm grateful she took it upon herself to get it done without involving me too much.
5. Decorate. My dad's sisters offered to decorate for the viewing. Instead of purchasing flowers, my dad's five siblings used the money to put towards purchasing large frames and pictures of Preslee. When I walked in to the viewing and saw what they had done I just cried. They had grabbed items from her room and bought things that had meaning to us to help represent Preslee. They did a great job and it was such a blessing to not have to think about decorating during that time.
6. Cemetery. We needed to decide which cemetery to bury Preslee in. After viewing three different cemeteries, we decided to bury her next to family. My Grandpa gave us three family plots and also took care of the fee for digging the grave. It was such a sweet gesture, and made the process easier for us. Offering to pay for the burial fees could be a very sweet gift for a family experiencing grief.
7. Food. I'm not sure who was involved, but our fridge stayed stocked during that entire week coming home from the hospital and until the funeral. It was such a blessing because we didn't want to go out in public and see people at the store. We were barely eating, and it was nice to have healthy options in the fridge. Someone gave us a deli platter and fruit and it was nice to have filling and healthy food that didn't take much prep work. I often deliver this now to families after they lose a loved one. Dropping off food and basic needs could be extremely helpful.
8. Supporting them at the funeral home. If you're really close to the family, it might be nice to offer to help dress the body. My mom did this, and I was so grateful. I'm going to be honest, I had very little experience with death before Preslee, and it was shocking for me to see her body days after her death. I took it pretty hard. It was clear to me that she was no longer there and I think it was during that moment that it all really sunk in. I panicked at the sight of my new reality. My mom read the situation and just stepped in for me while I stood there and cried. I was so grateful that it wasn't all left for Pat to do either. I know everyone is different, and some people might like to do this in private, but I think offering your support during this situation could be helpful.
9. Think about what they might need. This might seem like a small one, but Pat's stepbrother walked into the viewing with a case of bottled water. The viewing went much longer than expected, (over 4 hours) and after talking that much, I remember being grateful for that water. Take a minute to stop and think about the viewing/funeral and think about what they might need. Will it be freezing at the burial site? Maybe throw in some extra blankets. Will children need things to stay occupied? If so, go and grab some fun new things for them. The family will most likely not be thinking about anything other than the person they are burying, so thinking ahead might really help them.
10. Offer to babysit. When I was in high school, our neighbors lost their son in a car accident. The family had a young baby and my mom asked me if I would be okay with babysitting the baby if the baby cried during the funeral. My mom wanted the family to be able to hear the service, which I thought was incredibly thoughtful. I agreed and so did the family. Shortly after the funeral started, the baby began to fuss and I took her out through the entire service. Though Pat and I didn't have any other kids when Preslee passed away, I now realize that planning a funeral could be difficult with little kids in tow. I think offering to babysit while they are busy planning or even during the funeral would be a great way to help.
11. Please remember the funeral isn't about you. I've received many e-mails over the years telling me stories about how difficult the viewing/funeral was due to close family and friends. The last thing people planning a funeral need to worry about is other people. They are most likely trying to just survive. If you are family and they don't pick you to be part of the funeral service, (to talk or be a pallbearer) please don't be offended. If you offer to help and they turn you down, please don't get upset. They are most likely solely focused on burying the person they love and it's difficult to think of others during that time.
12. Just be there for them. We had family supporting us through it all. My parents were always by my side from the moment they heard Preslee was in the hospital. Anything we asked of them, they did it. Patrick's family did the same. As soon as we knew Preslee wasn't going to recover, Pat's brother and his family booked plane tickets and flew across the country to be there with us. Pat asked him to speak at the funeral and he didn't hesitate to say yes. Feeling supported during such a difficult time was a huge blessing.
There was more that others did for us, and we'll always be grateful for their service. My suggestion is if you really want to help, try to take all the work away from them and let them focus on what they need or want to. They are most likely in survival mode trying their best to get through each day. I'm so grateful we aren't forced to experience trials alone, so please don't hesitate to reach out.
Do you have other ways to help a family during a funeral? If so, please share in the comments below!
What a helpful post Ashley! I really appreciated #2. My mom had experienced loss and preparing for a funeral before my dad passed away but I know it was really helpful for her when my sisters and I accompanied her to the funeral home to make plans after he passed. I didn't think something like that would matter but I could tell how much it helped her.
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