We say over and over again here on this blog that the most important thing is to just show up for someone who is trudging through a painful trial. And yet, even those of us who have lived through the unthinkable ourselves can still struggle to know how to show our solicitude when such a trial shows up for a loved one. That is what the “We Can Do Hard Things” series is about.
Sometimes you may think that there is nothing to do to ease the pain of a loved one’s loss, but today’s guest, Alexis Koontz, tells us, “If you are looking for way to help those around you during times a grief, think of something personal, something just for them.”
It was just over five years ago that Alexis lost her father. She was 23 years old, going to college and living on her own for the first time. She still remembers getting the call during her winter break from school. Her brother called to tell her that their Dad had died from a heart attack while living in Saudi Arabia. Being half a world away from him made her feel empty and alone. The person who knew the most about her was gone and she knew nothing could ever be the same.
Within the last 5 years, Alexis has gained some incredible insight of how to help someone after the loss of a parent. We are thankful that she was willing to share some of those insights to help us feel more enabled in helping a love one through such a huge loss.
What were some things that were helpful that were said to you after your father died?
Those who expressed feelings of empathy, rather than sympathy helped the most. Many people in my life who had lost a close family member shared their stories of loss with me. It was those who could relate to my situation and said more than “I’m sorry for your loss” that let me know everything would be ok. Those conversations made me not feel alone and showed me that my life could go on.
While people generally have good intentions, sometimes the things they say can be hurtful. Were there any things that were said to you after your dad died that ended up hurting you more than helping you?
The most hurtful words came from those who had the best intentions. People told me that I should not be sad, my Dad would not have wanted it. They said I needed to show him what his life meant to me. Many people even told me that my sorrow had a time line and would be over soon. All of those expectations made me feel like a failure as I grieved. I felt as though my sadness was my own fault, and I felt guilty for it. I wanted to just be happy to fit other’s expectations, but I needed time to move forward.
Can you tell us about some acts of service or gifts that meant a lot to you after the death of your father?
The best help came from those who did not expect my sorrow to stop me from living my life. The week after my father died, my brother and I were scheduled to go back to school for our Spring semester. My brother reached out to make sure I knew we could get through it together. While sadness still lingered, I learned that I could do ordinary things like study for tests and sit through lectures.
Right after my dad died, a promotion opened up at work. Although I was fully qualified, I was not emotionally up to taking on new responsibilities. It was through the encouragement of my supervisor that I stood up and took on the challenge. She helped me see that my skills were not gone even if my courage was low.
While some people were not be able to make big things happen, others got me my favorite foods, made sure I got out of the house, and let me know they were thinking of me in their own ways. I will forever be grateful for the gourmet cookies that were delivered to my house soon after the news got out!
What about anything that was done for you that was hurtful, despite good intentions from the other person?
The most hurtful acts came at work. A few well-meaning coworkers took it upon themselves to tell my story around the office. I would walk into a meeting knowing that everyone there had just been talking about me. The look of pity in their eyes was beyond unbearable. I keep many personal things out of the office, and those moments broke my trust.
A huge shout out to Alexis for sharing her experiences. She wanted to remind you that, “During these times, it is difficult to know what someone needs, but reaching out in simple ways makes all the difference.”
Gift Ideas:
0 comments:
Post a Comment