“A woman asked me, ‘Why do bad things happen to good people?’
Without hesitation the answer came to me,
‘So that great things happen to the world.’
Just about every good cause and every charity is rooted in some form of tragedy or trial.
I truly believe experiences can make you bitter or better.
For many years my son’s death made me bitter. I was suicidal, depressed, anxious, angry and trauma had become my worst demon. I hated who grief made me, what James’ death did ‘to me’ and how I hated my existence and where my life was headed. I was a victim in every sense of the word.”
Michelle Newman’s sweet Baby James passed away on April 20th, 2006. In the 13 years of discovering what happiness truly means to her, she has found the most effective strategy in creating joy within oneself is to elicit happiness in someone else. She has found for the days of struggle, the best way to keep breathing is to assign purpose to the pain. When there is purpose behind your experience, your pain becomes meaningful. The loss of a child does not go away, but when pain is re-purposed it gives you a reason to keep living. When your pain makes the world a better place, it turns your loss into a blessing rather than a curse.
Twelve hours before sweet Baby James was in the accident that took his life, Michelle started my photography business. For many years photo shoots were the only thing she would get out of bed for. She lived off the joy of others as her broken heart healed. Michelle is now starting a non-profit, “Permission to Remember,” where families are given freedom to remember their angel, however, wherever and whenever they need. Her clients sponsor families who have lost a child, where they then photograph families at their child’s final resting place or wherever would be most symbolic or meaningful. They also hold quarterly creative healing retreats and provide a safe healing place for bereaved mothers.
Michelle is the epitome of “We Can Do Hard Things.” She explains that there are two main stages of grief: survival grief and transformational grief. Transformational grief is the day when someone chooses they are going to do something with their grief rather than allowing grief to do them. It is when they want to learn from their pain, suffering, experience. It is when they are ready to assign purpose and passion. Survival grief is when someone is simply getting through each day. It is when they are angry, bitter, in denial and depression and wading through the heavy waters of pain. We asked Michelle to tell us a little about what was helpful for her when she was in the survival stage of grief after losing her son.
What are some things that can be said to someone who has lost a child that may be helpful to them?
When you do not know what to say and you are afraid of saying the wrong thing, I will break it down for you into the most simple and basic sentence, “I am so sorry you have to go through this. If you need to talk or cry or yell or scream or remember or complain, I am here to listen.” And then you literally shut up and just listen.
Offer no words of comfort, do not try to relate even if you have lost a child. This is about them, not about you. The most comforting thing you can offer is your love and your listening ear, and maybe some back tickles and soup.
Are there any other things you would suggest avoiding saying?
There are things people say and do that are hurtful, not helpful. I have learned over the years, as someone grieving, I have to be quick to forgive. Most people do not intentionally hurt someone already hurting. It simply comes from ignorance not intention.
There is a sweet spot of not saying too much and not saying too little. Silence is among the loudest offenses to one who is grieving. For someone grieving, silence comes across as a lack of concern, love, compassion and recognition. I believe most friends and family are silent because they do not know what to say and don’t want to make it worse. Understand though, the message from a lack of words comes across as, “I don’t care what you are going through.”
On the flip side there are those who ramble their faces off comparing you to every person under the sun who ‘has it worse’. Let us please discontinue the comparison game in grief. Comparison is the thief of all comfort.
Are there any acts of service that you would suggest to give to someone who has lost a child? How can our readers “show up” for a loved one who is going through such a tragedy?
The most helpful thing anyone can do for someone grieving is to love unconditionally and withhold judgement. Grief and tragic loss are so wildly misunderstood. So few understand what it means to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Grief is an isolating and lonely space. I believe everyone is doing the best they know, sadly grief is something the majority of people don’t understand.
Because child loss is such a huge loss it is easy for people to feel like there is nothing they can do to make it better. The reality is the outcome obviously can't be changed, but there are things you can do to help. The small things really add up to make a big difference. In times of serious tragedy it truly is the thought that counts. If it is too difficult to see someone in enormous amount of pain, drop them dinner or hire a maid to come and clean their home. Simple daily tasks are dragons to face when you are facing grief. The most important thing to remember is to serve without strings attached. Don't expect thank you's or recognition. I remember feeling guilty for not being able to respond to calls and emails but I always appreciated them. We designed our Good Grief Photo Shoot as something you can give when you don't know what else to do. Family portraits are a dragon after your child passes away. We give you the ability to connect with the angel during the special session so it's not just portraits, but a special connection to heaven.
Presentlee sends a huge thank you to Michelle for sharing her insights on how to help someone who has lost a child. For more information about her Non-Profit and how to sponsor a family visit her at www.pinkrosephotography.com and permissiontoremember.org or on Instagram at @pink_rose_photography and @permission_to_remember. If you need a safe place to grieve and remember and celebrate your loved one, Michelle invites you to join her Facebook group, Permission To Remember (https://www.facebook.com/groups/764165987290563/)
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