On March 11, 2011, Ashlee Birk Boyson was made a widow by two shots of a gun. Her husband was having an affair with his paralegal and her husband found them at a Walgreens and decided to use weapons instead of words. She had just given birth to their fifth child, and now found herself a 28-year-old widow.
After a murder trial two years later, and still stuck in the victimhood of those bullets and the choices of those three people, she began to suffocate in her fear. In 2014, a blog was born. “The Moments We Stand” became her safe place to shed her insecurities and her story. She now runs a nonprofit called “A Reason to Stand” for others who have seen dark roads and need to find courage to become brave survivors.
We are pleased that Ashlee was willing to share with us her valuable knowledge of how to help someone who has lost a spouse. She said, “I used to think my mission was to just save one person who was stuck in the darkness of bad choices. If I could save one marriage or one husband from leaving this world in their worst hour...I would make it. I know now that Life is so much more than just avoiding sin and trying hard to not be stuck in grief. Life is about joy. Life is about finding out who you are, and realizing that you are enough. Enough for God, and enough for yourself—even if no one else sees you, He does.”
What were some helpful things that were said to you after the death of your husband?
I think the most helpful things that people have said to me turned me towards my truth! Kind words that helps me feel that I could keep putting 1 foot in front of the other. Words that focused on my ability to still be a mom, and a daughter...and a child of God. Words that helped me find love for myself again.
Some specific phrases that helped me included:
“You are the strongest woman I know, you will get through this.”
“Those kids are so lucky to have you as a mom!”
“No matter what happens...you just keep your faith and you will make it through all of this”
While people usually have good intentions, sometimes things they say can come across as hurtful. Are there certain things that were said to you that hurt?
In their own dark struggles through trauma there were many who came with hate, saying words that put blame on me. One even said, “Well, if you would have been a better wife, none of this would have happened.” Words that made me feel dark and forgotten and unimportant. Words that amplified my own insecurities and tried to make me look down on myself.
One of the hard things that always happened in the first weeks after the murder is people would talk about me like I wasn’t in the room. It made me feel invisible.
Other times I would overhear them talking about a struggle I was having that I shared with them privately, or a funeral plan that I was having a hard time making...they would tell others about the struggle, making me feel like I didn’t have a safe place to break down or not have it all together.
Can you tell us about some of the helpful things that others did for you after your husband was murdered?
I think anytime we can serve someone who is drowning, we can bring light to them. That’s what really makes a difference. Knowing someone cared about you enough to take time out of their life and notice a need.
A friend of mine came and picked up a bunch of Emmett’s clothes in the days that followed his murder. She made a blanket for each of my kids. They are still prized possessions.
Many people came and helped with responsibilities I would get very behind on, especially during the murder trial. It was always nice to come home to warm food and a clean house. Those were the things that brought peace to me during a dark time.
Were there any acts from others that hurt you?
Along with thousands of kind emails, I have run into many who don’t use social media and modern technology to bring me up. Some words have pierced me so hard that I have cried for days. I am finally to a place where I just instantly delete the hate mail. I don’t let it get to me, but that was not always the case. Every time a new show would air with our story, or I would do a new interview they would flood in.
Now I just try to remember that hurting people like to cause pain in others. I smile, say out loud, “I am sorry life has been hard for you.” And click delete. No one can take our light away. No words are powerful enough to hold us in the dark.
Ashlee is proof that you can create great light in a terribly dark situation. We are immensely grateful for her sharing some of her experience with us. You can find Ashlee at @themomentswestand and www.themomentswestand.com and learn more about her nonprofit at @areasontostand and www.areasontostand.org.
Gift Ideas for someone who has lost a spouse:
- Set up a MealTrain.
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