18 Months

(Oaklee)

A little before Oaklee turned one years old, I began feeling anxious. With Oaklee being our last, I thought I was mourning the fact that we were leaving the baby phase behind. But six months later, the anxiety only heightened. I was short, ornery, and impatient with the kids and didn’t know why. Feeling desperate, I decided to do what I used to, I sat down to write… and as my fingers began typing, it didn’t me long to understand.

(Oaklee)

The difficult thing about grief is that it doesn’t seem to always present itself the same way. Therefore, it isn’t always easy to identify what is being felt. It’s easy to mistake it for something else, especially years down the road when grief isn’t as constant anymore.

I came to realize I had been pushing thoughts and  emotions aside. And though it might not make sense, I realized I was grieving a new chapter we were about to enter into. Since Oaklee is our last baby, once she turns 19 months, Preslee becomes our youngest—forever. And in a way, it seems like we’re leaving her behind. I know that it doesn’t necessarily make sense, but suddenly our family is moving forward- without her.

(Preslee)

Over the past few months, I feel like I’ve taken about a million steps backward as I’ve felt anger and resentment come to the surface again. I’ve seen so many nine year olds (The age Preslee would be) thriving and loving life. Many are developing talents and it makes me wonder what Preslee would have been into. When I look at Oaklee and think about where Preslee should be, and at what age we lost her, I’ve deeply mourned all that we’ve missed.

Joseph Smith once taught:

"The mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction, and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of stature of it's spirit...When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test."

(Oaklee)

As I think about what lays ahead of me, I marvel at His plan - that He cares enough to give me the blessing of raising my daughter from the exact moment we said goodbye. Having an 18 month old in the house is always bittersweet, but I made sure to pay extra attention to the little reminders I had of Preslee throughout the last couple of months.

(Preslee)

As sisters they share the same hair, nose, and many facial expressions. They both have a love for lipstick and necklaces. And I adore the way they both light up when I take them shoe shopping, or turn Elmo on. I hope to never forget the way they both wrap their little arms around me to give me a hug while simultaneously saying “momma” in my ear. It melts me every single time.

Someday.

(Preslee)

Someday I’ll experience all that I’ve missed. But until then, I’ll keep trudging forward, holding on to the promise of holding Preslee in my arms again. But, until that day, I’ll continue trying my best to handle whatever grief throws my way. But I do know all will be okay -

Someday.