Today is a Gift

It surprised me.
It threw me off guard.
I didn’t even realize what it was until it passed.

My two youngest turned 18 months, and anxiety and grief took over.
I retracted.
I avoided phone calls.
I rarely blogged.

Just the thought of two new church callings about did me in.
Everything in life was overwhelming.

The day before the boys turned 19 months, the same age their sister passed away, I became extremely angry. Angry that Preslee was taken so quickly. Angry that I didn’t have a six year old in our home.
Anxiety sunk in and I couldn’t or wouldn’t let the boys out of my sight.

And then it hit me.

I had been dealing with grief for an entire month without realizing it.
I was left in a stupor, haven’t I done this all before with Ledger?

I had.
Hasn’t it been five years?

It has.

Then why am I reacting this way?
I then directed my own anger towards myself.

How did I allow myself to struggle for an entire month?
How did I not know why I was so short and moody?
Why was I struggling five years later, the second time around?

That’s when I remembered - 
that grief will forever be apart of my life.

And though my pride often gets in the way, this is why I continue to write.
I hope to let others know that five years later, grief still affects people, even without them knowing so.

So please be gentle and be kind to those who have lost someone they love.
Because we still have nights we cry ourselves to sleep, due to an aching heart.

And to end on a happier note, three days ago, my heart was, and still is, filled with an extreme amount of gratitude. I spent the day listening to two little hearts beat, kissing every inch of their perfect identical faces, and thanking my Heavenly Father that I was still a mom, and not walking in to an empty silent house.

I have so much to be grateful for,
especially two 19 month old little boys.