I should be…
Waking up early.
Excited.
Making breakfast, getting a little girl ready.
Helping her put on her new shoes, clothes, and a backpack.
Taking pictures on our front step.
I should be… loading up four kids to drop my oldest off at school.
Wondering where the time has went as I watch a little 5 year old bounce into her classroom.
I should be…
Anxiously waiting for the hours to pass by,
taking care of her brothers, and loading them up to walk the few blocks to pick her up.
I should be…
Pulling out cookies from the oven, placing a cookie in front of Preslee,
asking her all about her big day at school.
I should be doing a lot of things today.
But I’m not.
Instead, I’m reminded of what we’re missing as I watch family & friends post pictures of their five year olds on social media. If I could do it all over again, I would stay off social media for awhile.
Because it stings.
I think the reason missing this milestone has been so painful is because today I realized I’m not only letting go of one dream, but 13 others. Preslee will never have a first day of school, not today, not in 13 years from now, or ever in between.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to have not lost our oldest. Would it be any softer to have already experienced a child attending school?
I guess we’ll never know.
As I process the statement up above, I realize it’s time to focus on new hopes and dreams, but at this moment I’m not sure what those need to be.
So I think I’ll make today a “Preslee day.” Instead of loading the boys to drop her off at school, I’ll drive them around and find some way to serve. Maybe it will even help me understand what new goals and dreams I need to set, because I’ve learned there’s a lot to let go of when a mom loses her only daughter.
There’s so much that I drastically miss,
and days like today don’t seem to help any.
We miss you, Preslee.
I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said and your "Preslee day" sounds wonderful. I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written, I am so sorry it is one of those rough reminders. Preslee day sounds like a great idea! You are such a great Momma and I know she is proud of you!
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking after reading your post. I'm SO sorry for your loss! That picture of the two of you is so beautiful, yet stings my heart so much as I can't even begin to imagine an ounce of how much you miss her :( I also needed this post today as I struggle with my babies growing up because I know how lucky I am to have been given 8.5, 4.5 and (almost) 1 year with those babies, and God willing, MANY more. Your family is always in my prayers, even though we don't know each other. Thinking of you today!
ReplyDeleteNow that my tears are making it hard to type, I'll just say that you have a gift....a gift from God that helps you process and say outloud what is going on in your heart and mind. If this doesn't inspire us to get up off our chair and help someone else today, nothing will. I hope your "Preslee Day" is as perfect as your beautiful daughter. I agree with Stacy...Preslee is so proud of you today and every day.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Ashley & Pat.
ReplyDeletexo
So sorry!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are constantly reminded of things you are missing out on with Preslee. You are one brave, strong and courageous person to decide to go serve others today instead of just staying home crying and grieving. Thank you for your example.
ReplyDeletePreslee's Day sounds perfect! Hugs to you and Pat!!!! <3
ReplyDeleteSending Love:(
ReplyDeleteI can't even comprehend what you're going through. I know Preslee will forever be proud of her mama. Preslee day sounds like a great way to spend your day...Your such an example to so many around you, especially me. I sure love you Sid...
ReplyDeletemy heart breaks for you...
ReplyDeletei love your solution though to go out and serve. i am sure you will find some comfort in that! what a beautiful way to honor your sweet girl. i pray for peace for you.
My husband and I just suffered a miscarriage after trying for a year to get pregnant and am finding this years "back to school photos" stinging. How I wish I had a baby that I could send off to school too. I can imagine that feeling is multiplied several times over for you and Pat. And I agree... social media (and the internet) is the evilest of evil and has sent me into a downward spiral many times as I discover another friend is pregnant before me. Thank you for sharing Preslee's story and your pain. She may not ever get to go to school on this earth but you, and she, have taught so many of us so much.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I just suffered a miscarriage after trying for a year to get pregnant and am finding this years "back to school photos" stinging. How I wish I had a baby that I could send off to school too. I can imagine that feeling is multiplied several times over for you and Pat. And I agree... social media (and the internet) is the evilest of evil and has sent me into a downward spiral many times as I discover another friend is pregnant before me. Thank you for sharing Preslee's story and your pain. She may not ever get to go to school on this earth but you, and she, have taught so many of us so much.
ReplyDeletePreslee may not have ever gone to school on earth, but I'm sure I speak for many people when I say she, and you, have taught us so much about moving forward and trusting God in our own tribulations. Thinking of you and your family today.
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry!! Praying for you. I am an angel mommy too, feel free to check out my blog: http://2008labanslately.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteOh Ashley, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you each and every day, but to have that reminder of what should be happening is devastating. Sending love always.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I know you can do hard things but I'm sorry you have to.
ReplyDeleteThis just broke my heart. When someone passes away, it's more than just a loss. There are many losses and that never gets easy. I'm so sorry. Hope you feel extra loved tonight. 💛
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry, Ashley. I'm sitting here sobbing as I read this because my little boy didn't get to start preschool today. It was supposed to be his first day but instead he is at Primary Children's hospital because he was diagnosed with cancer on Monday. I sat and mourned as I looked at all of my friend's cute little preschooler's being sent off to school on social media. I should have stayed away from it too. Again, I'm so sorry. I don't know how you feel. But I mourn with you.
ReplyDeleteThat was written beautifully, yet still made my heart hurt. I've been thinking about you this past week :( I love you..
ReplyDeleteLove you. ❤️
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your pain. It is so hard when we watch others being blessed with what we wished we had. I do want to say I love you and I am so grateful for the good you are doing. I am so grateful for the missionary you are and for the testimony that you share. You asked about your new goals. Don't sell yourself short. You have it. You are putting your energy into your boys and a Preslee day is perfect. Don't forget Preslee's day will come and you will find those hopes and dreams are not lots, but temporarily postponed.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I pray that sounded encouraging. I know it really hurts and that having it come later doesn't stop it from hurting...a lot. I do really hope you know that I can see what a beautiful song you are making this loss into and I love reality you are making.
ReplyDeleteI have to make one more comment....some are not liking social media, even Ashley with all the cute pictures of the school children's first day of school. Yes, it is sometimes heartbreaking to read stories of others and we are missing our loved ones and wish things were different. But if not for social media, blogs, etc., I would not have had the honor and privledge of reading Ashley's amazing blog. She is such a strong and selfless person and has shown a wonderful example of "enduring to the end." We never know who will touch our lives and help us become a better person. Ashley, you have done that for many of us. Preslee's innocence was taken at such a wonderful time in her life but I believe God has a plan for each of us. We may not like it and we may not understand it, but he loves us individually. He loves Ashley and Pat and their 3 boys. And he loves Preslee...even though she and her parents are separated for a while, they will be together again. I know it and believe it with all my heart. And I know as well as I am living and breathing that the love never ends. Our love for the Savior and our love for our family will never end. On that perfect day, we will be with them again. Thanks again to Ashley for sharing a little part of her life with us and showing us how to grieve with courage and faith, trusting in the Lord, and serving instead of being bitter and hateful. Social media as it is with the Internet, e-mails, snail mail, texting, etc. - there are both sides. I hope I am someone who will be able to use it for good and let the evil part of technology stay far away from me. I am a grandmother, almost ready to retire from working for the state for almost 30 years. I just wanted to give some encouragement to some of you young people who have so much to live for and so much more to learn. Ashley is wise in her very young years and is someone I look up to. Never give up and never give in to heartbreak, sadness, loss of a dear loved one, pain and suffering...do as Ashley did yesterday and give service and hope to someone else. Ashley...you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteLots of love being sent from Texas! Preslee day sounds wonderful and we would love to celebrate with you.
ReplyDeleteAshlee - my heart is breaking for you as I sit here and shed tears. A pain no mother should ever have to experience, something you and Preslee should not be missing out on.
ReplyDeleteI too love your solution - helping others is a way to continue to share Preslee with the world.
Hugs to you today, tomorrow and every day after. xoxo
I am so sorry Ashley.... Kindergarten is so rough... All the milestones are but this one extra rough it seems. Praying for you and sending so much love!
ReplyDeleteLove you!
ReplyDeleteThis was a hard school year for me too. As parents were dropping off their older kids then jumping in the PreK line to drop off their youngest it hit me like a ton of bricks that my twins weren't in the backseat waiting on their turn to go to PreK next year.
ReplyDeleteMy child returns from Phoenix preschool singing melodies, is simpler to control at home, (i.e. cleans up his toys without complain, etc.) and is continually asking when he might go back to the class.
ReplyDelete