Grief - It still hurts

One thing I’ve learned about grief is it doesn’t go away by ignoring it. Grief tends to stay close, and without warning pounds on the door wanting to be let in. The longer it is made to wait, the angrier it becomes, and usually becomes harder to get rid of—reminding me that we have a life long relationship, just in case I forgot.

But I’ve learned if I’m the one to invite grief in, take it by surprise, and do so before it has time to build up, the visits tend to be shorter, and not nearly as exhausting. 

For whatever reason this fourth year has been hard. I’ve been an emotional wreck since July.

It’s thrown me off. In a way, I’ve felt like I’ve regressed,
and after some major thought I realized why grief has taken control.

Year three, I didn’t let grief in.
I started the year off with a bang by having two babies, and that entire year (which is now a blur) was left with no time to grieve. Back in July I finally cracked the door open when I opened those clothes bins to sort through Preslee’s clothes, and without warning, grief slipped in and returned with a vengeance.

There was a lot of time to make up for.

To be honest, its been overwhelming.
I’m back to crying when I’m alone, usually in the car or the shower, similar to how it was just after the funeral.
It’s been frustrating, but I know it’s a process.
It’s just been surprising. I would have never guessed people would experience and be forced to process so many emotions FOUR years after losing someone.

The past couple of months I found myself retracting.
I hid from the world for a little while.
I quit writing as frequently on the blog.
I avoided phone calls and rarely returned any. (Sorry!)
I turned most friends down when they wanted to have play dates.
It became too much.

So I guess this is a major reason why I continue to write.
To help people understand grief.
I didn’t understand any of this before I was thrown into it.

If you know someone who has lost someone close to them, understand four years later it still hurts. 

The pain can still be debilitating, and acts of kindness are still appreciated.

Like the friend who dropped off breakfast the day Preslee should have started Kindergarten.

Something so small to many, was huge to me.
Or the friend who gave us the amazing drawing up above right before the year mark. It was drawn by another Angel Mom, who she sent the most amazing/understanding card along with it. {Find her work here}

Now that I finally feel like I have a hold on grief, that its been pushed to the back of the house, and is about to be thrown out, I’ll continue to remind myself that I can do hard things.
Or that grief will not always win, because with help from Christ, all things are possible.