Now that the babies are much happier, its been easier to get out and run errands. The sight of Easter dresses, baskets, and all the girly spring items still hurt.
/
(First Easter, March 2009)
The continuous talk of Disney’s new movie Frozen, and the overabundant Instagram pictures displaying every single little girl I know holding their own copy, simply reminds me of what’s missing in my life. It also makes me think about how different life would be if we had a five year old girl running around our home.
(Preslee and Sophie, June 2010)
I was surprised when the tears began flowing as multiple people referenced kindergarten registration… I should have a kindergartener this fall. I graduated with a degree in Elementary Education, and spent many hours in kindergarten classrooms before Preslee passed away. I made mental notes of what to do, and what not to do, to get her ready for Kindergarten. I guess its just another big milestone I had looked forward to, and am forced to let go of..
(Preslee and Pog, March 2010)
Pat and I have been doing a little spring cleaning, and decided its time to take on some of Preslee’s items packed away in colorful tubs in our basement. After avoiding them for over three years, just thinking about opening them up gives me anxiety. I know once we’re finished I’ll be happy we did it though. I plan on finally making a blanket out of her clothes. If any of you have done this, I’d love to see a picture of your blanket. I’m looking for some ideas.
I’ll be honest, grief won today… Here’s to a better day.
I really never have anything comforting to say when I comment on your blog and I wish so badly that I did. I'm just so very sorry that you have to endure this trial. Your blog has helped me really realize, feel and, on a very small level, know a little bit about what it's like to lose a child. I have been able to empathize more fully with people I know who have gone through losing a child and for that I am so grateful. You are truly an amazing person. I adore your blog, it's my favorite. Thank you for always being so open, honest, and candid. You are loved.
ReplyDeleteOh Ashley....the hurting will go on but hopefully you find hope and peace knowing that she's still Preslee and perfect and beautiful. You will get the chance to raise her...I believe it with my whole heart. I'm not a good quilt maker...learning though so I'm making a quilt out of my husband's shirts and levis. A quilt of her beautiful things will be a treasure. Those milestones must be so so hard. Thinking of you...this very minute at 7:44 AM. :)
ReplyDeleteHugs today and yesterday. Your amazing.
ReplyDeleteI just happened to find your blog this week. Maybe it's so that I can share my blankets with you. My 16 year old son died in a hiking fall. Blankets with his clothes were made in his honor. Certainly, we had much larger pieces to use being 16, but they are so wonderful and special. Please email me if you'd like me to send pics for ideas. sharpfamily1@comcast.net. Jeanie
ReplyDeleteI just happened across your blog this week. Maybe it happened so that I can share my blankets with you. My 16 yr old son died from a hiking fall and blankets were made in his honor. We had much larger pieces to use given that he's a teenager, but they are SO special and wonderful. Please contact me if you'd like me to send pics. His name is Colby and one was done for each of my surviving children. They are called "Colby Comfort Quilts" sharpfamily1@comcast.net Jeanie
ReplyDeleteTears were flowing when you said Kindergarten registration...I can't even imagine. I am so sorry Ashley. Hugs to you today! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteI, too, have a love-hate relationship with Frozen and other girlie things, for the same reason as you. I am two years in and every day there is something new that stings just a little. I watched Frozen for the first time the other day (I borrowed it from my mom) and cried when I'm pretty sure I should have been laughing, just thinking about how much my angel princess would have loved the movie. Thank you for sharing and helping me feel "normal."
ReplyDeleteprayersforthefamily.blogspot.com
While i'm reading your blog, my son's primary CD is playing in the background and the song "families can be together forever" is on...i feel the Spirit so strongly. I know it's true!!! Thank you for sharing so much on your blog. I read about it in the Ensign article last month. Your life story has blessed our family so much, thank you!
ReplyDeleteOh how I relate to this post so much!! Our sweet little ones are so close in age we should be doing many of the same things with our children. I'm so sorry for your lose and your constant aching hear. Grief really is such an uphill battle. I'm so sorry you are on this hard journey of child loss! Much love.
ReplyDeleteI haven't make a blanket. But I did make stuffed animals for each of the kids out of Miles' baby clothes. I wanted them each to have something to hold onto and it didn't take much of his clothes. I am also going to wrap some of his favorite shirts around a canvas so it looks like a piece of artwork, but I won't have to cut it up. There is just something about cutting up a lot of his clothes that scares me. I can't wait to see your quilt!!!
I'm not positive, but I think I found this Ashlee through you.. Maybe you have already seen this post that she wrote, but if not... http://themomentswestand.blogspot.com/2014/01/please-hold-me.html
ReplyDeleteI am planning on making a bunch of quilts similar to these out of my grandma's shirts for my cousins, aunts, & uncle for this Christmas. I like how different material was bought to supplement for what I want to do for so many people. I don't know if you are wanting to just make 1 big quilt for you & Pat or if you are thinking about making a few for your boys & any future kids to have when they are older.. Anyway, maybe seeing these will help give you an idea!
Your family has been in our prayers for many years now & will continue to be. Thinking of you extra today! <3
This made my cry. Thinking of you & saying a prayer for you <3
ReplyDeleteBless your heart. Lots of prayers and hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you had a hard day. I had hope that they will get easier as time goes on. We are only 4 months out and those same things have been the hardest for me too. Spring dresses, Frozen and all things girly. Sometimes I am grateful after I have a hard day because I realized that those days I am usually thinking more about heaven, and that is always a good thing. You are strong and I appreciate this post so I know I am not alone. Thank you for being an example.
ReplyDeleteI understand that kindergarten milestone. When my Nina would have been 5 and registering I was crushed. I should have been planning first day of school clothes and was planning a graveside memorial. Devastating! You will find a way. I touched none of Nina's clothes until the week before I delivered my 2nd daughter. I still had her dirty clothes hamper filled with dirty clothes. I ss t in the closet , 9 months pregnant, crying. It was a hard day. I know Nina gave me the strength to get through it. You are so strong!!! God bless.
ReplyDeleteIt prob sucks to hear "you'll raise her someday" because you will but you want to raise her right now! I can't even imagine that pain. I have a 5 yr old and can't imagine losing her but know that Preslee is perfect and she will always be perfect because she left this earth as a baby and man she has got it made! And you were probably one of heavenly fathers chosen also to be able to be her mom and endure this trial. Heavenly Father knew you were strong enough to do this and you are! Your amazing and I love reading your words. Thanks for sharing and helping me be a better mom.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I wish there was something more to say, but there's not. I can't imagine how hard it must be, especially only having boys after her. If it's even a slight consolation, you've helped me really live and enjoy each day, and truly enjoy my little girl because I never know when she'll be back to our Heavenly Father.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet mama. I just posted something on my blog that you NEED to read. From one grieving mama to another...hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteTrisha
Some days it does win doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteI love your pictures of your beautiful girl and I'm sorry today was tougher than some easier days. I haven't made a blanket of my son's clothes yet but I plan to when I can face it. I think it's a lovely idea.
Sending you love.xx
It's okay that grief wins some days. Prayers <3
ReplyDeleteThe holidays, the big and small milestones, they are so hard. My son passed away 3 years ago at 3 1/2 months. Not only do we grieve for what was , but also the future that won't be happening here. I remember the 1st childrens play at church after Sully died, I cried the whole way home. It's hard seeing others age while ours remain the same age
ReplyDeleteI had a little girl who passed away at 6 days old. It took me a while to even be able to go in her room and a big step was getting her clothes in a tote. This July chloe would have been 5 in july. I have been able to share all the stuff meant for her with multiple families and share God's love too. I still have one tote left to go through but it makes me feel like breathing is the most difficult thing to do when I think I of going through it. I miss her terribly but don't force yourself to " move forward" sometimes we need to just hang on a little bit longer and let God carry us a little longer too. Praying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteI cried reading this....... Her sweet pictures you post, Ashely she is beautiful, a very special little girl... I am so sorry that this is your life... HUGS to you today
ReplyDeleteAshley- we lost my nephew in a drawing accident last year and I had the privilege of making a quilt out of his clothing. I have been wanting to post them on my blog for a while and you inspired me to finish the post. It was such rewarding and amazing experience making that quilt. The one I did is pretty unique and I'm not sure if it is anything like you are thinking you'd like to do, but I would be happy to answer any questions if you'd like. I learned a lot along the way and may have some tips. I'm sure you will create something wonderful and comforting!
ReplyDeleteLots of love!
http://wadeandmelissa.blogspot.com/2014/03/lucas-quilt.html
Drowning (not drawing- dang auto correct!)
DeleteAwww the grief game can be so cruel and hard sometimes. Going through their things is so hard! My sister in law made kaels clothes into a blanket this year for Christmas. I love it, it is amazing and brings back so many memories!! You can see pictures of it on my blog. Www.brigetterushworth.blogspot.com I posted it end of dec or first of Jan. Praying for you always!!
ReplyDeleteShe is such a beautiful little girl. She looks so wise beyond her years in all her pictures! I love the one of her and Pog, she looks just like her little brother Ledger. I just recently found out that my Dad has Cancer and only 18 months to live. It is crushing me and so painful. I don't even want to begin to think about what my Mother and my family will be feeling when he's no longer with us.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty about grief. I helped make a quilt for my friend's little boy (her husband died and we made a quilt out of his shirts).
ReplyDeletehttp://ellenpatton.blogspot.com/2011/10/special-quilt-for-special-boy.html
I'm part of a support group for people who have lost babies, and just this past week someone observed that while people think you are grieving your baby (which is certainly true), you are also grieving the loss of a two year old, three year old, four year old, ten year old, teenager, high school graduate, college student, etc. It's a process that changes as much as your child would have changed. I look forward to seeing the blanket you make of Preslee's clothes. I'm sure it will be beautiful!
ReplyDeleteSometimes life is not fair! We are approaching our angel Son's 4th birthday and all of the children his age are turning 4 around us. Sometimes it just flat out stinks. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteThough we have never met and may never meet, I hope and pray that you will remain strong. I admire your blog so much. I often come here to "check up" on you, like an old friend. You and your husband have made 4 incredible little humans. Keep breathing and keep on truckin...prayers to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteAww praying for you! My mom quilts and has made some amazing quilts before... sorority/baby ect. Please message me if you need someone (talented) to make her memory quilt!
ReplyDeleteJennifer
We are coming up on two years since our little Charlie died. I find grief re-surging as well. I am going to make a quilt out of Charlie's clothes this year too...but his clothes are still in his dresser and I dread moving them. It's so hard! Thank you always for your honesty about grief and your faith. You validate my own experience and inspire me.
ReplyDeleteLove the blanket idea!! That will be such a good way to remember and hold her! Love you ash!!
ReplyDeleteI made my grandson a quilt using 5x5" squares. Very easy and not piecing them together as a regular quilt and you snip around the edges. If you would like me to send pictures on how to do it you can email me @ elrododrive@hotmail.com You could also use smaller squares if you need to.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, I can't imagine the pain you and your husband are going thru.