July…

July always brings raw emotions to the surface for our little family. The 4th tends to pass by all too quickly, and the only other date that stays on our minds is the day we lost Preslee. This year, the 16th marks three years. Today I realized it I’ve been pregnant for half of that time.

(Kicking off our 4th of July Celebration at Huntsman Springs in Driggs, ID)

This pregnancy has been rough. I have been incredibly moody and emotional, it’s been much more intense than my other two. Any grief that I experience sets me over edge and I can’t seem to function, it tends to consume me. Last December and January, during the days leading up to and following Preslee’s Birthday, I became extremely angry and bitter. It took me off guard, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Patrick helped me realize it was probably due to the fact I was pregnant, and that’s when I began avoiding grief all together.

Six months later I’m still avoiding it.

I often feel my grief right below the surface, knocking and begging me to open the door to let it in. I find myself keeping that door shut, trying to stuff the grief down deeper, hoping it won’t break through. I’ve learned just because I don’t let it in, doesn’t mean it goes away, rather, I feel it building up, becoming stronger, and I know eventually it will overpower me and find a way through.

And when that time comes I know I’ll break down, but in a strange way it will be healing. But until that time comes I’ll continue to avoid the things that tend to bring those strong grieving emotions back. For example, looking at pictures, reading other angel blogs, or writing people back about death. I can’t tell you how many drafts are sitting in my e-mail account waiting to be finished and sent to other parents who have lost children. Some date back to December. I’m sorry to those still waiting a response, I promise I’ll get to them sometime when I can handle it.

Like I said, it’s been three years, and though I would have never dreamed I would be avoiding my grief due to a hormonal twin pregnancy, I’ve come to understand nobody ever knows what to expect with grief. My hope is these twins decide to arrive in July, giving us another positive event to look forward to.

Keeping my finger’s’ crossed.