We drove the familiar 20 minutes to Archer, ID. Ledger yelled “Moo” as we passed a herd of yaks to our left, and seconds later we turned right onto the lane marked with the large wooden sign.
I parked the car in the middle of the first row and climbed out of the driver’s seat and quickly walked around the car to lift Ledger from his car seat. His eyes grew wide as he focused on sprinkler pipes, fields, and large pine trees. We walked to the other side of the car, and a smile spread across his narrow face as I’m sure his thoughts interpreted the cemetery as lots of grass with hundreds of large rocks, perfect for climbing on.
I took my time placing spring flowers and a small owl on the headstone, and cleaned the debris and bird poop off as best as I could. Ledger watched for a short moment, then took off running, jumping, falling, and continually yelling “Jump!” While I called back, “Get down, or leave that there! Come back…right now!”
Having a difficult time bending over while cleaning, my mind raced forward to the next few
years, realizing I’ll have three small boys to teach cemetery/headstone etiquette to. Hmm… visits will only become more difficult with two little babies.
By the end of our visit, my frustration with a hyperactive toddler transformed into a smile as I saw my son, who I thought wasn’t paying any attention to his mom, carefully place a small toy tractor at the foot of his sister’s headstone. My thoughts turned to Preslee, and I couldn’t help but think instead of being offended that her little brother viewed her expensive headstone as a jungle gym, was probably right there laughing along with him.
Eventually we packed up, and Ledger thrashed, screamed and arched his back as I strapped him into his car seat. He didn’t want to leave, and was certainly letting me know. As we drove away, a smile spread across my face as I listened to him cry out between sobs, “Go!” and point back to the cemetery. I realize there will come a day that he won’t be thrilled to visit the cemetery with me anymore, and I can’t help but love the fact that he loves our visits there, even if it’s just to run and jump on everything he can get his little hands on – I’ll take it.
That last picture is gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteThat last picture is so beautiful. What a beautiful place for her to be laid to rest. I wish it were different though. (hugs)
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ReplyDeleteThat Mortensen headstone is my Uncle Johns spot :) Made me smile to see it. My wonderful Grandma Millie is also by Preslee, I always think of her when I see your cemetery pictures. There is also a little baby there too, he's a cousin of mine. Funny how Preslee's spot ended up surrounded by lots of my family :)
ReplyDeleteI had no idea that's where your daughter was buried. That is where my brother is buried. So i go there all the time. I will have to look for Preslee on my next visit.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! When you visit a place so much, you can't help but wonder who the people are, and think about their families as you see their decorations change seasonally. I've never been out there the same time as anyone else close to our plots!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea that's where your daughter was buried. My brother is buried in the same cemetery. I will have to look for Preslee on my next visit.
ReplyDeleteI bet it thrills the souls of all who are burried there to be surrounded by the laughter of a child! As I read your post, I can only imagine that Preslee and Ledger are playing together. : )
ReplyDeletethe picture of the little tractor there with the owl and flowers just gave me major chills. so precious. a brother and sister playing together. i'm sure ledger feels her there.
ReplyDeleteThat place is such a sacred and special place to your family....always will be and Ledger will grow up appreciating and enjoying his visits there. I agree...the last picture is just so very beautiful. I visited my parents, my husband, and little Makenzie Webster's grave on Sunday....in between conference. I saw two women there and when they left, I could see them wiping away tears. Oh, how my heart hurt for them. I was curious so when they left, I walked over to where they were sitting. Each of them had lost their spouse not long ago. Then I continued to walk around to look at other headstones....so many people who still mean so much to someone here on earth. The circle of life is large, grand, and glorious. As we say goodbye to someone, it seems we say hello to someone else. What gets me by in life and helps me to move forward is the fact that the Lord is mindful of us, our every tear and our every heartache. It is also good to know that our loved ones are in such a wonderful, peaceful state where there are no tears and no sorrow...and...they are not all that far from us. I was told once that our loved ones who have passed on are not at the cemetery but they go with us when we visit there. It is a beautiful thing to think of. Your sweet girl knows of your love for her. The love never ends!! That is a truth I have learned to appreciate so very much in the last 4 1/2 years. Take care of yourself and your 3 boys. Can't wait to pictures of the new babies and hear the news that they are safely here!! Have a wonderful day.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, letting your little guy play at the cemetery. Awesome! It's good that he feels comfortable there. He's happy running and climbing plus he sees your example of cleaning, making it pretty and your reverent spirit there, all good things. Our children grew up doing those same things at their brother's cemetery. I think, as a result, they always felt comfortable there, not scared, not repressed, but at peace.
ReplyDeleteperfect way to see it! good for you for finding that perspective! xoxo
ReplyDeleteAshley, You don't know me - I hope you don't mind me posting this.....but, I love this post! I've followed you since the beginning of your new life... (and I've cried and cried and cried and even laughed with you along your journey). You amaze me. You inspire me. And I'm so touched that you share "this experience", (cemetery visits) with your little guy. My little brother passed away when I was 12 - he was 5 - we NEVER EVER went to the cemetery to visit - or place flowers on his grave - or for that matter, we never really talked about him... It was on only very rare occasions that we did talk about him as a family. I'm sure a lot of the reason we didn't was because there were so many of us - he was number 4 - (I was the oldest) and there were 5 more after him - So I'm sure my mom felt very overwhelmed just dealing with his death let alone traipsing all of us to the cemetery....
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to say - (maybe I'm off my rocker a little :)) - but in my very first "glance" at your last picture - right in the clouds - I swear it looks like a silhouette of little Preslee with angel wings....just a smilin'.... I'm 100% certain she LOVED playing with little Ledger..... (Do you see it?... am I crazy???) :) It just JUMPED right out at me before I finished scrolling down to the bottom of the post....
Thank you for sharing and opening your heart - it has helped to heal my heart too! BLESS YOU!!! (congrats on the twins too! I'm so envious... Is that ok to be envious? LOL!) BLESS YOU ALL!!!!
That last photo is so sweet Ash! I know Ledger loves it now only to run & play at but as he grows older he too will come to love it in remembrance of Preslee. He will treasure it so much & always remember why you took him there when he was younger. I know you will have your hands full with the twin boys coming but they too will be such a little blessing! I have you all in my thoughts & prayers sweet girl..
ReplyDeleteThis post brings back many memories from my childhood. My older sister died in a car accident at 2 years old and I was born a year later. My sister is also buried at that cemetery and I have had my own experiences with running around that sacred place. I am now 44 and still love and appreciate going to see my sister’s last resting place and hearing stories about her. I must say until I saw this post I never thought about the fact that my mom went through the same nightmare you have been facing. Thank you for sharing and helping me realize how amazing my mom is to have endured such a tragic event. You too are amazing and I know our Heavenly Father has a special place in Heaven for people like you and my mom. (I have followed your story from the beginning of your sad tragedy and I am friends with your aunt Nichole.) I love your blog and that you have the opportunity to keep a record of your memories. My family has very few pictures of my sister. Ledger and your other kids will appreciate it so much when they are older. Thanks again, you are amazing!! Janel Young
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