Just after Preslee’s funeral, and before the grief took over, I gave a few of Preslee’s belongings away. At the time I didn’t think much of it, and thought others would be happy to have a piece of Preslee’s life to remember her by.
A few months later, I drastically wanted those items back. The thought of someone else having something that she had loved so much really upset me. I knew at the time I shouldn’t be so upset, so I kept my feelings to myself, but I hated myself for giving away her things so freely. I thought about the Tickle Me Elmo I gave away ALL THE TIME. (My SIL told me from the moment I gave it to them that I could have it back at anytime, but I never asked)
I’ve talked to many others who experienced the same feelings I felt. And later received the advice to wait at least six months before giving anything away. They told me I would have a better understanding of what items would mean the most to us.
After I beat myself up for giving away those few items, I packed away everything we had left and didn’t let anyone touch it. It wasn’t until last week, 2 1/2 years later, much longer than 6 months, that I felt I was ready to part with some of her possessions.
I decided to tackle the toy chest, where all of her toys have been kept, along with the stuffed animals she received at Primary Children's Hostpial. And even though the stuffed animals are in perfect condition, I realized I never let Ledger play with them because of the memories that resurfaced every time I opened the chest. I went through every single toy she ever played with, and found it surprisingly therapeutic. It was similar to taking her room down in preparation for Ledger’s arrival. I only kept a few of her favorites stuffed animals, and am planning to donate the rest to our local hospital.
This is my piece of advice to any of you who find yourself in a similar situation. Hold on to the items for a little bit, don’t be too quick to give them away. Even though I worked through those emotions, and now would never want to take Tickle Me Elmo back, I wish I would have waited a little bit longer to part with her possessions.
I'm going through a different grief situation, my friend passed away almost 4 years ago, and it's still hard to let things go. Especially at the beginning. I didn't want to get rid of facebook because I would be his friend on Facebook, even though he was gone... I always looked at pictures because it brought back memories and made it seem like he was still here with me...
ReplyDeleteTo this day, some things still mean a lot to me.
I suggest reading Tear Soup. It's a fantastic book on this very topic. I'm grateful for your example of strength.
Sweet Ashley,
ReplyDeleteCan I make a simple suggestion... And do with it what you'd like. I lost a brother to SIDS, I was 5 years and he was 2 months. Now I'm 29, and just was given the wonderful gift of a sweet baby boy. One day my mom mentioned she had something so special for me. I opened up the gift and in it was my brother's baby blanket. Hand quilted by my grandma (who has now passed) and mom. I cried happy tears at the most precious gift ever! And now as I rock my baby to sleep in that same blanket-- I feel my brother close. I just feel like I am wrapping up my baby in his uncle's love and my love. It's the sweetest feeling. So please, hold on to some of those things for the sake of her siblings. They will love them! They will cherish them! Please put a few things away for them, so that one day as you are a grandma and you give the gifts to your sons and daughter-in-laws your grandchildren will feel the love of their aunt. Your sons will appreciate it so much! I promise!
I agree. You are such an example of strength. Thank you
ReplyDeleteTHis is such wise advice. I would be the "purge everything" type so as not to have to be reminded but I know I would regret that instantly. I hope that this new chapter will bring even more peace and that your parallel tracks of grief and life are getting a little more proportional in size and becoming closer together and you can merge your life again.
ReplyDeleteI admire your strength and commitment every time I read your blog. I would have been one of the "purge everything" types but I know that I would regret it instantly. I really hope this next chapter brings you peace and that you are able to push that piano even further away. I know it will never be gone but hopefully it will take center stage less and less.
ReplyDeleteI certainly won't try to compare my loss to yours but....when my sweet husband passed away, I waited for over a year to deal with his personal things. I was glad I waited to handle getting rid of or giving away some of his things because after that long, that is what they were to me...just things. The important stuff I will always keep...his journal and some other things that meant a lot to him. Of course his tools, truck and hunting/fishing stuff now belong to our son. It is good advise to let some time go by. Time does not heal a person with a broken heart but it gives us time to wrap our heart and our minds around the loss and develop the strength to move forward. Giving stuff away that belong to someone so dear and precious, like your Preslee, is very hard and difficult. You've come a long way my friend. She must be so incredibly proud of her amazing and beautiful mother. I hope it will help you to see the smiles on the faces people at the hospitals who are in charge of giving those cute toys to little children who are ill and in need of the comfort that a little stuffed toy can bring. have a wonderful day!!
ReplyDeleteYou have amazing strength! I do agree with Jared and Karissa, depending on how you feel about it, I think it would mean the world to them when they are older :)
ReplyDeleteI admire you so much. I myself get very attached to items, just for no reason at all! I always find some string that attaches me to any item, really. Especially now with my baby. Everything he touches or anything that smells like him I am seriously anxious to lose. Even his toys, it's seems silly to some. So I can totally see how you would especially be attached to all of Preslee's things with all of your memories with her attached to the items!! You are an amazing mother. I always strive to be a more like you. Thank you for being such a great example to me.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you do it, all of it, cause I honestly don't know what I would do, but I am constantly amazed at how you handle certain situations. It may always be tough, and you may always have moments of freak outs, but you always pull through stronger, which is what is the most important!
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