{Guest Post} Lisa King

After losing Preslee, many other 'angel mom's' (Mother's who have lost children) made an effort to reach out to me. Over the past two years, I've tried to do the same, and have developed relationships with many different ladies. Nearly a year ago, a reader shared a link to Lisa King's Story, and since then, Lisa and I have become friends- friends via internet, because Lisa lives in Australia. (I only wish I could make a trip to Australia to meet her) Nevertheless, Lisa's courage to continue forward not only without her son Noah, but without her husband Aaron is truly inspiring. As I watch her picture updates on Instagram, I can't help but notice the incredible example she is setting for her boys, and many others like me.

Lisa continually inspires me, and therefore I wanted to introduce her to all of you. 

I've asked Lisa to share her experience with grief...

_____________________________________________________________________________

I have heard the term ‘angel Mum’ many times over the last ten years. I knew for ten years that my son Noah would pass away young and that I would be known as an ‘angel Mum’.  Noah was born with a condition called hydrancephaly which meant he was missing most of his cortex (brain).

Even though we knew that he would one day pass away, we were not at all prepared to say goodbye to him just over twelve months ago. We thought that he was going to surprise the doctors once again by pulling through his latest illness. Instead we had to make the heart breaking decision to turn off his life support as his body was shutting down, and he let us know that it was time. We were blessed with six years longer than the doctors predicted, but ten years was not at all long enough with him.

I believe that I should’ve been known as an ‘angel Mum’ even before Noah passed away because we really were blessed to be the parents to an angel on earth. We were blessed to have such a perfect spirit in our family. He was adored by his three brothers - Jalen who is thirteen, Harri who is eight and Kobe who is four, and my husband Aaron and I.

I thought that knowing that he would pass away one day would prepare me a little for what it would be like when he did pass away. In some ways it did, but in many ways I had no idea how grief can affect someone physically as well as emotionally.
Less than four months after Noah passed away my husband Aaron had a massive heart attack and passed away right in front of me. It's still hard to believe that it has happened even as I type this.

So now I'm known as an angel Mum as well as a widow. I think that the term 'angel wife' sounds much nicer than ‘widow’.  In some ways having Noah pass away before Aaron prepared me for what was to come with grieving, but the hardest thing to even try to explain to others is how I grieve for them both at once.  Grieving for them both at the same time is almost impossible and I feel like my brain has kind of shut itself off from feeling so much pain at once, because it would be too much to bear.

Before Noah passed away I imagined that grief would be me lying in bed sobbing all day, but it’s been nothing like that. Instead I've learnt that life unfortunately doesn’t stop when someone passes away. My other boys need me more than ever, I need to go to work, we need to do all the things that necessary to just function every day.

Each and every day is hard to continue on without Noah and Aaron, but as hard as it is, I have made choices to help me to get through the days, weeks, and months without them.

When someone passes away every day is hard, but certain days are harder than others -  birthdays (of those who passed away as well as our own birthdays that we have to now celebrate without them), Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, the date each month that means it’s another month gone by since they passed away, and especially weekends because it was when we would all be together as a family.

After Aaron passed away I decided that although these days would be extra hard, we would do everything that we could as a family to make them as happy as possible. Sitting around the house on those days would be the worst thing we could do, so instead we have decided to go away if possible, and plan to do some fun things.

Needless to say this year we have been away more than ever!  It doesn’t necessarily stop us feeling sad, but we now have a lot of really happy memories from the hardest year of our lives.

We released balloons in the snow on the top of a mountain on Noah’s birthday, we went away on a very special holiday Kobe’s birthday, we went away and stayed in a very special hotel over the weekend of the twelve month anniversary since Noah passed away, and for Christmas we plan on celebrating it somewhere different with my extended family, because doing what we would normally do as a family will just be too hard.

Even though it’s getting close to the twelve month anniversary since Aaron passed away, it is not at all any easier. The shock is wearing off and reality is sinking in which means it’s harder now than ever before. On days when it’s really hard I often think I could just curl up in a ball and stay in bed, but my boys need me and I have faith that one day things won’t be as hard.

On those days I have a good cry, but then we go out and try to do something fun together.  It’s not that we are trying to avoid the feelings that we are experiencing, but I have learnt that getting out and doing something different and fun, makes the days bearable.

Some days getting out and doing something fun together is the last thing that I want to do, but when we make the effort to do it, we always end up having fun and are so glad that we did it because it gives us some respite from the sadness that we constantly feel.

I hope in years to come that my boys will not only remember this as the hardest year(s) of their lives, but will also have a lot of happy memories as we try to create a new normal together. 

You can read Lisa's blog here.