Before losing Preslee, I had very little experience with grief and had never heard anyone talk about it. Now, two years after losing my daughter, and experiencing it for myself, I have a better understanding of what grief really is. Though I'm still trying to sort through the many different emotions which grief entails, I've learned when I am able to recognize what is creating my anxiety or sorrow, moving forward becomes a little easier.
Experts teach there are five main stages of grief and loss, which are:
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
Denial.
I was clearly in denial during the viewing/funeral. I was numb, and in shock. Looking back, I honestly couldn't grasp the concept that my only child was gone, and never coming back. Funeral arrangements left us extremely busy, and I totally shut my feelings out.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler teach, "Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us pace our feelings of grief. There is grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle. (Kessler) The more I studied denial, the more I became grateful that it's part of the grieving process.
It wasn't too long after the funeral that my mom and I visited my Grandparent's house to work on family history. I thought it would be a great way to fill my time before school started. I remember logging on to Familysearch.com and being shocked/upset seeing Preslee's name had already been added, with her birth and death date written below. I still remember the feeling, and looking back, I'm pretty sure I had an anxiety attack. I immediately excused myself to the bathroom and lost it.
My denial period was over.
My daughter's name was on a site, with millions of other people who were...dead. Anyone in the world could look at Preslee's name, and all they would see was her birth and death date. They wouldn't know she loved necklaces, dried blueberries, or how she was the center of my universe. They would only know she died. It was an extremely painful concept to digest. And while writing this, I've come to realize that is why I haven't logged back on to work on family history since.
I have heard of many deaths over the past two years, and I often hear people talking about the grieving family. Neighbors/friends often make comments similar to, "The parents seem to be in denial, when are they going to realize..." or "Someone needs to help them realize..." Now, when I recognize someone is in denial, I just hug them, because I know the journey that lays ahead of them. Looking back, the denial period of my grief was a blessing. It really was a slow way of letting the pain sink in. When it finally hit that Preslee was gone, and never coming back, the pain was unbearable and indescribable. Nothing could have prepared me for it.
My denial period may have only lasted a week or two, and it may last longer for others. But, be gentle with those you know experiencing denial.
I really believe there is grace in denial.
Kessler, David. "The Five Stages of Grief." Grief.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 22 Sep 2012.
<http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-greif/>.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler teach, "Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us pace our feelings of grief. There is grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle. (Kessler) The more I studied denial, the more I became grateful that it's part of the grieving process.
It wasn't too long after the funeral that my mom and I visited my Grandparent's house to work on family history. I thought it would be a great way to fill my time before school started. I remember logging on to Familysearch.com and being shocked/upset seeing Preslee's name had already been added, with her birth and death date written below. I still remember the feeling, and looking back, I'm pretty sure I had an anxiety attack. I immediately excused myself to the bathroom and lost it.
My denial period was over.
My daughter's name was on a site, with millions of other people who were...dead. Anyone in the world could look at Preslee's name, and all they would see was her birth and death date. They wouldn't know she loved necklaces, dried blueberries, or how she was the center of my universe. They would only know she died. It was an extremely painful concept to digest. And while writing this, I've come to realize that is why I haven't logged back on to work on family history since.
I have heard of many deaths over the past two years, and I often hear people talking about the grieving family. Neighbors/friends often make comments similar to, "The parents seem to be in denial, when are they going to realize..." or "Someone needs to help them realize..." Now, when I recognize someone is in denial, I just hug them, because I know the journey that lays ahead of them. Looking back, the denial period of my grief was a blessing. It really was a slow way of letting the pain sink in. When it finally hit that Preslee was gone, and never coming back, the pain was unbearable and indescribable. Nothing could have prepared me for it.
My denial period may have only lasted a week or two, and it may last longer for others. But, be gentle with those you know experiencing denial.
I really believe there is grace in denial.
Kessler, David. "The Five Stages of Grief." Grief.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 22 Sep 2012.
<http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-greif/>.
When I look back at Nate's death, I can see the stages fairly clearly. ALthough, I don't think that I ever experienced denial. I was smacked upside the head with grief immediately and was barely able to function.
ReplyDeleteI know that God was carrying me through as there is no other way that I could have gotten through his funeral but I definitely experienced the other 4 stages and still wrestle with some of them even 4 1/2 years later.
ALthough so many of us mommy's have similar experiences, feelings and paths...they are never exactly the same. What I have learned most from Nate's death is Grace. Grace to allow others to grieve as they want to and just provide a layer of support under them. It's a journey that no one ever wants to take and no one should EVER have to take that journey alone.
Hugs to you sweet mama,
Trisha
I have lost lots of loved ones in the past but when my passed last year i started going to a support group. While with suicide the grieving process is a completely Different process then with other deaths the one thing I learned and part of the reason I LOVED this post is, What ever you feel, FEEL it,if your angry be angry, if your sad be sad, if your happy be happy and don't hide your feelings. In addition, NO one can tell you how to grieve nor how long you will grieve. You might do well for 5 years and then year 6 get super sad again. Thanks for sharing this post, so many people read your blog and I think it is important for people who have lost ANYONE to know!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written..
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this insight. Being a pastor's wife we often support people through times of loss. I feel like this wisdom of yours will help me to be more understanding..
Thank you for your transparency and honesty. You have a beautiful heart.
Love,
Brandy Jane Mabel
Wow Ashley....what beautiful words. We often think of denial as something negative but you just pointed out how it can be a very positive thing, even helpful. This was such a beautiful, heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing such personal experiences with us.
ReplyDeleteThis was beautiful Ashley. I learn so much from you each and every time I come here, which is why I come back day after day. Big hugs and thanks to you for continuing to share your experience and wisdom - we are all the beneficiaries of YOUR grace and insight.
ReplyDeletePS - that first picture breaks my heart every time I see it. It is the most tender yet agonizing moment I can imagine. Whoever captured really caught a HUGE moment in time and it speaks a million words. So poignant.
@Domestic Diva I couldn't agree with you more.
DeleteDomestic Diva, You put everything that I wanted to say but couldn't into words.
DeleteYou are right about grief...it is a process and it is so different for everyone. It is a lonely rode because even though you shared your grief with your spouse, your parents, etc., your grief is still your own to work out. Yes, there are stages and thank heaven our mind, heart and bodies don't have to heal in an instant. I have learned a lot about grief and it is still a puzzling and complex issue to deal with. I don't think us humans were meant to understand it completely. You do have a lot on insight on this thing we call grief. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on a very personal and difficult subject.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ashley I think at times I wish I could go back to denial and make the hurt lessen.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. Thank you for continuing to write... Much love.
ReplyDeleteYou are very right about grief! A lot experience similar emotions, but everyone goes through grief differently and handles it differently. You are amazing. I have learned a lot about grief through your blog! When I first learned of Preslee, I was a newly married 19 year old that had no clue about anything, really. Now as a 22 year old mother of my first beautiful boy, it tears at my heart strings to even THINK of my baby being hurt let alone, passing away. It's like a punch in the gut when I think of going through what you are. Preslee is always a reminder to me. Whenever I feel I'm getting frustrated, she comes to mind, quite often actually. I always hug him tighter, hold him a little longer (even in the middle of the night) and touch and kiss every single bit of his tiny little body. I just wanted to thank you for teaching me so much. <3
ReplyDeleteSinceraly,
A sister from Utah
Great Post. I totally agree. Denial can definately be a blessing and sometimes can save you in a desperate moment. Somedays it's easier to pretend that she's playing in the toy room or at her friends house. The Reality is there in our faces every moment of every day. Sometimes Denial can be a nice little vacation. Thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful. Thank You.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your transparency. You are so so so right about denial being a buffer for pain. When my dad was killed, I was in denial for the longest time, I didn't even cry at his funeral-it just didn't feel like he was gone--but once that buffer was gone and reality struck, it was excruciatingly painful. And then I think I went right back to denial. It was just easier to refuse to believe he was never coming back, I wanted to cling on to a false hope that one day he would walk through our front door, but slowly I accepted his death as apart of my life (its been 12 years), and now its much less painful, although I do get hit with waves of grief that bring me to my knees in uncontrollable sobs. I so appreciate your sharing on grief, and I pray for your family. Your daughter, Preslee has impacted my life, just so you know. & your posts do bring a little more healing to my own grieving heart.
ReplyDeleteLove you Ashley. I can't imagine what you went thru and still continue to... Always thinking of you!
ReplyDeletelove you ash! you are so good with your words in helping us all understand the process you still go through! i still need to text you to help you figure out what we started whenver that was? haha i get distracted easily!
ReplyDeleteExcellent post. I believe there is grace in that first denial also. There is no way I could have handled it all immediately. As the denial faded, the pain, the excrutiating unthinkable pain, was let in. It would have been too much for those early days. Just love people through this time. They will "realize" soon enough
ReplyDeleteThat picture of you with your hand on your chest made me cry. What an emotional picture. You may have been in denial, but the pain and heartbreak is all over your face. I have been working on a gravestone for my mother who lost two stillborn baby girls. She lost one in 77 and one in 83. Your face helps me capture what she may have been feeling when she lost her babies. I found a calender with the date one of the babies was born. She said, "I cannot express the pain and loss I feel." You put a face to what I am sure my mother looked like during those very painful days, and so many other mothers who have lost children. It breaks my heart to see that face on anyone, but I am so amazed at your strength. Thank you for your post. It was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThat picture you posted with your hand on your chest made me cry. It reminded me of what my dear mother looked and felt as she lost two stillborn baby girls. She lost one in 77 and one in 83. I found a calender of the year one of them was born, and she wrote on that day, "I cannot describe the pain and loss I feel at this time." I guess her grief hit right away, as you have described in this post. It brings me to tears seeing that face on so many of the people I know who have lost someone dear to them. Your face in that picture breaks my heart and though you were in denial at that time, the pain and loss is shown all over your face. What an emotional picture. I can see your pain in that picture, but I can also see your strength. Thank you for sharing the process with all of us. I am grateful for what you and your little family teach me.
ReplyDeleteAshley, I've been wondering, Preslee's grandma and grandpa who were looking after her the night she feel in the canal, how are they holding up? Did the accident effect their marriage? Has it effected the relationship you and your husband have with them?
ReplyDeleteAshley, you do indeed have a beautiful heart. I will never know your pain of losing a precious child but I have know grief. After reading your beautifully written blog today, I'll be able to offer comfort to others.
ReplyDeleteYour posts always make me stop, cry, and then move on with my day. Hopefully being a better mother and person. I'm so sorry that this is your trial but I'm greatful you're willing to share your story. I love seeing pictures of Preslee. Sweet baby girl.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know how much I admire and respect you. Your bravery and grace and humbleness stagger me. Much love, prayer and hugs to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteAgain, a wonderful post. I think it's so important to just love one another. No judgement or convincing ourselves that we know how another should act. You continue to amaze me with your strength. Thanks for continuing to share your story. I love seeing pictures of your sweet, little girl.
ReplyDeleteI have had times where I felt really guilty for not crying at my sons' funeral, but I don't think I would have made it through the planning or leaving that cemetery if I hadn't been in denial. I needed this post today. I think you are right. Denial is a grace period and a tender mercy when we can't handle dealing with the pain of loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashley- Thanks for sharing these tender thoughts. Your experience where you felt your denial ended broke my heart and I sat here crying, wishing no mother had to go through that. I'm so sorry you did. :(
ReplyDeleteA couple of years ago, I was watching Oprah and I remember her saying, "All Pain is the Same". I also remember saying out loud, "That's not right!" Although, I have never lost a child, at that moment my heart went out to all the moms and dads that had. I believe there could be no greater pain than losing a child.
A little elderly lady in my ward once told me when her twenty nine year old son passed away from cancer, the whole way home from the hospital, her entire body ached so horribly. She said she was in so much more pain that she had never felt in her entire life, emotional and physical. She said she never knew pain like that was possible. :(
Now, I am not trying to put down Oprah. I like her but, I was saddened to know that if that statement rubbed me the wrong way, how offensive and belittling it must have felt to all the mourning parents out there. If all pain were the same, then shock and denial would not be necessary. I think you are so accurate in that it must help soften the blow, temporarily at least, to allow the grieving person to function. I obviously couldn't make my opinion known to the world, so I will tell you- I honor and respect you and the ability to face this trial. You are a hero, an example, and an inspiration. I'm so sorry for your pain and so inspired by your strength. Thanks for teaching the rest of us, so we can be more aware and understanding.
What struck me first about this post is the picture of you with your hand over your chest. There are numerous photos of me at Charlie's funeral with my hand in the same place as yours! It was as if I was trying to comfort my breaking heart...
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting how denial pops up still at times...but in different guises. Some days my husband and I will look at each other and say, "Can you really believe what has happened to our life?" It feels like a dream, or just surreal that Charlie really died and we are somehow carrying on.