When someone loses a family member, their whole world turns upside down. They try to do everything they can to cope, and often times, their actions don't make sense to everyone looking in from the outside. Before losing Preslee, I figured two years would be plenty of time for someone in my situation to be back to "normal." Little did I know losing a loved one changes you forever, and the time it takes to heal takes much longer than I expected.
My coping mechanisms haven't always made sense, and I haven't always been aware of what I was doing.
For example, I hated how clean my house stayed, (crazy I know) especially in the corner of our front room where Preslee's toys had been. It was a constant reminder that my toddler was missing in my life. I didn't realize it, but I would constantly clutter the area up. I'd put my school books on the floor, along with my backpack. The frames from the funeral stayed there for a long time. Looking back, it seems like I put anything that could fit in that little corner. I'm grateful for a patient husband who never said anything and months later rearranged the furniture while I was at school to try and help. The rearrangement made a huge difference and helped me become aware of what I was doing.
I'm sure everyone who entered our house just thought I was a mess. I remember being embarrassed, and thinking I need to get that cleaned up, but for whatever reason every time I cleaned it, I would clutter it right back up.
Preslee 03/10
It also devastated me to eat at the table without Preslee in her high chair next to us. For about a year and a half, Pat and I rarely ate at the kitchen table. We ate in the front room, something we rarely did before the accident. And then a few months ago, when I moved up the high chair from the basement for Ledger, we started eating at the table again. It wasn't until last month, 23 months after losing Pres, that I realized that there had even been a problem.
Ledger 05/12
Those are just two examples. (I've done some other weird things)
Lately I've noticed that even though I thought I was fine in the past, this past month is really the first time I'm starting to feel like I'm functioning at my best again. (I've seen a big difference in Patrick as well) I feel like I'm finally moving out of autopilot and am beginning to think clearly again. I'm accomplishing a lot more each day. A year ago, I would have told you I was functioning just fine, but it took me 2 years to realize I wasn't. And who knows, I might say the same thing next year.
If you are wondering how to help someone after they've experienced death,
just be patient.
I'm so grateful the people I knew, especially Pat, didn't feel the need to call me out on every little thing I was doing wrong. Even when they felt like I was off my rocker... because I was constantly making my front room messy, quit cooking dinner, and left things on the kitchen table so we couldn't eat there. Just let them be, or follow Pat's example and learn how to help without making an issue out of it.
Because I can assure you are trying their best.
Sometimes it just takes time.
P.S. Thank your for all the sweet comments on Monday. We feel incredibly blessed to have all of you support.
I was in a painfully unhappy marriage and became a total slob without recognizing it was a side effect of depression. It became so bad I could not imagine having the energy to clean up. Now that I am creating a new life alone I am almost compulsively neat. Our lives cycle-so thankful I am closer to the top than the bottom now.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I read, you and your husband are both wonderful. I am sure that you provided incredible support to Patrick as well. Of course your life is forever changed, but the two of you have been helping each other out (and will go on doing so. You are cruelly deprived of your sweet Preslee, but she lives on in the bond that unites her parents. My thoughts are with you - long distance. May your readers bring you strength.
ReplyDeleteValérie
PS : Love Ledger !
I think of you often when dealing my own loss. Given my own quirks since losing our twins last year I'm sure it's much worse when you've been able to hold, dress, play with, ect, your child. The day I lost my twins I came home from the hospital, took off my maternity clothes and folded them up. They stayed in the same spot for about a year. Although they moved around my room a little they weren't put away until last month (14+ months later). I noticed yesterday the Ritz crackers I ate to deal with my morning sickness are still on my headboard. I have two little onesie with pants outfits laying on the rocker next to my bed. Recently I felt the urge to knit a baby blanket in faith that we will be pregnant (or adopt). When I pulled out the bag that has the blanket I was crocheting for the twins I found another onesie with pants outfit I had bought for them. I got out of bed at 2:30 this morning because I kept thinking about them and couldn't go back to sleep (maybe from my recent baby fever?).
ReplyDeleteI didn't get to hold my babies and yet they captured my heart. I can't imagine what it would be like if they had been toddlers.
I may have said this on your blog before but I'll say it again....after losing my husband, father, and mother all within 7 months, it took me about 3 years to feel "normal." I really had to find a NEW normal so that I could be the best mother, grandmother, friend, sister, aunt, and full-time employee that I could be. I wanted to heal so that my son could see that life is still good and that we can rise above the heartache to live a good and fulfilling life. People would tell me to move forward....move forward? I would ask myself, "Where do I go?" But with help from friends, family (mostly my sisters), and trust in the Lord, I feel like I'm not so crazy. Yes, I did some crazy stuff, too. My biggest issue was sleeping and with our bedroom. I haven't slept in there for almost 4 years. I completely understand those things you did to keep things the same. I'm glad your family and Patrick were patient with you and love you enough to know that you had to take whatever time you needed to heal from your loss. You are also right - this loss is for a lifetime. I feel like I will never be that same person I was before but in some ways I am better. I am slower to anger, more willing to help others, more understanding of others' heartaches and loss, more compassionate, less critical of others, much more patient....so maybe that is what I was suppose to learn. I don't think God takes away our loved ones to punish us - it is just part of the big plan - but we must look at what we might learn from having gone through something so absolutely difficult and life-altering. You are an amazing young woman, Ashley. I know I've said this too but again, you have helped my niece and shown many of us how to endure loss with dignity and grace. What's more, you show me that your love of the Lord and your faith and trust in Him is still strong and you never waver from those beliefs that in the end will assure you that you will be together with your loved ones forever. I pray that this week will be easy on you and that you will have fond memories of Preslee and not dwell too much on the memories that are so very hard. Take care my blogger friend.
ReplyDeleteMy friend recently lost her boyfriend in a tragic car accident, so this was a good post for me to read! I hate that you went through this, and I think about your family lots every since I started following your blog! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteAs always you amaze me. You are so good at seeing the "rest of the story" as Paul Harvey would say, and seeing the lessons and the bigger picture. Thanks for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog since the accident and have never commented before. I feel like this post today was written for me. My sister was a single mom, raising a 3 yr old boy. He was killed in a house fire a month ago. We are all devastated. We are so worried about her and her future. I have been concerned about some of the ways she is dealing with his death. Today I learned from you that there is no normal way to grieve. I admire your strength and grace through this trial in your life. I hope that she will be able to have that strength to go on in her life. You are a great example of enduring to the end. Thank you for sharing such deep personal emotion with us. It helps us to grow along with you.
ReplyDeleteAlways thinking of you and your little family. Wish we could have made it to the reunion to catch up. Know we are always up for visitors down here and you are always welcome. :)
ReplyDeleteSweet Family,
ReplyDeleteI, too, have been following your blog for the past few years. You don't know me and and I don't know if we will ever cross paths, but I want you to know that I think about you and pray for you on a daily basis. For some reason, I find myself unable to get you out of my head several times during the day- and praying and praying at those times for Heavenly Father to please bless you, help you, and give you peace. I also want you to know that you, your little family and your sweet little girl have changed my life. The way I approach things, the way I pray, the way I mother my three children..... what an impact all of you have made in my home. The things your little girl was able to accomplish and the lives she was able to change in such a short amount of time is incredible. I'm sure one day when you are able to see the magnitude of what your life experiences have done and how they have impacted others, you will be amazed. It is heartbreaking for me as a mother to see another mother struggle this way. Your faith and courage are an incredible example to me and the way you reach out to others that are dealing with difficult things is astounding. I'm sure that the people we love in Heaven have a hard time seeing us upset- I'm sure it's nice for your little girl to see her mom, dad and brother finding some happiness. Thank you for your examples and the life changing influence they have been to me. I will continue to pray for you as I do- I often feel the need to pray for something for myself and find myself saying- Please, Heavenly Father- bless the Sullenger family instead. I hope that time brings you more peace and happiness.
Kristen
Still think of you guys often, espcially during the summer months. So proud of how far you have come Ash! Ledger is so cute, I just can't believe how fast time goes! I swear they were just born..Happy Summer :)
ReplyDeleteI have enjoyed following your blog and I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't commented before but your post spoke to me. I lost my adult son nine months ago; he took his life leaving two young children. I miss him like crazy and have often found that there are things I don't do because they remind too much of my son. I have some boxes of his that I can't even open and go through. I'm hoping one day I will be comfortable enough to do that. I also had the awful situation of finding him so I have a hard time being in the dark or being alone. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences. I haven't blogged since Jeremy's death but am feeling that I might start again because I feel it is therapy for you and might be for me. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI love you, cute girl! Thank you for being such a wonderful example. You have taught me more than you will ever know.
ReplyDeletenew follower. so glad I found your blog- you are a strength to so many people.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it so strange the things that you do without realizing it? After I took the newborn pictures with Little M and his Daddy's boots we brought everything home from the shoot. I dropped the boots next to the couch where Michael used to leave his shoes. I hated when he did that because I always tripped over those huge things, but I couldn't pick the boots up for weeks. Finally my mom put them away when I was out and she vacuumed. I realized then that I had missed the things that used to be around when he was here. Just like with the kid toys in the corner. :) Its nice when we realize why we are doing things. This post was beautifully written. You are wonderful!
ReplyDeleteAshely - You have been on my mind all week long. The reality of you losing Preslee has been on my mind a lot lately. Emmie is just a couple of weeks away from being 18 months old. Her little personality seems to grow leaps and bounds each day. Watching Emmie lately I often think about Preslee and how she was in that same adorable stage of life. How incredibly difficult it would be to have to say good-bye.
ReplyDeleteThe other night I dreamt that we were outside somewhere and I lost her. There was a river close by. In my dreams I was frantically searching for her, worrying that she had fallen in the water. I got to wake up from my nightmare, while you have had to learn to cope with your nightmare...one that I am sure you have wished over and over was only a bad dream.
I continually admire your courage, faith, and perseverance. You have changed lives with your testimony and strong faith.
Sorry I haven't been around lately. Once the summer ends we will have to get together with everyone again. Hang in there. Luvs!