Changing my blog has been quite a process. I added another sidebar, so that means most of my pictures from the past are all too big. (Sorry to those looking at older posts) I've been changing every single post...I've added more labels, made the font bigger, etc.
It's been a little overwhelming going back and reading posts. It's amazing to see how far I've come in less than two years. The main problems we faced back then, are not the main ones we face today.
If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice it would be to allow myself to be angry. I didn't understand that anger really is just another piece of the grieving process. I thought if I was angry, it meant I was failing. My anger kicked in after our first angelversary, and has come and gone. I've been angry about different things, and sometimes the littlest thing will set me off. Its been overwhelming to learn how to handle these emotions that often seem uncontrollable. I now know the anger won't last forever, and it often feels good to release the bottled up emotions that I've held in for so long.
People prepped me for what the first two years brought. And they were right on. Some told me the second year is just as hard, or even harder than the first. And they were right. It's been hard for many different reasons, and Pat and I have struggled to always be on the same page. It's definitely put stress on our marriage, but we're doing better, and have learned from all of it.
To parents out there who understand, what does the third year entail? Nobody really speaks about it. I'm hoping that means it gets easier, but I'm not naive to think it all disappears.
To end on a happier note,
I'm grateful for...
This blog, where I have been able to sort through many different emotions. It is a place that I can talk about Preslee all I want, and never feel criticized for it.
I'm grateful for all of you who donated to the Pay It Forward Project (those are the posts I just went back and fixed tonight) We are still delivering boxes. We couldn't have done it without you.
And I'm grateful for these two, and a little girl in heaven.They mean the world to me.
Ledger has learned to give Eskimo kisses. He giggles the entire time.
I'm grateful all three of them are incredibly patient with me, I'm still learning and working hard. Nothing can prepare you for any of this.
I'm grateful all three of them are incredibly patient with me, I'm still learning and working hard. Nothing can prepare you for any of this.
We lost our first baby after a short 9 hours in 2007. We will be celebrating the big 5 years this June! I can't relate to the memories you have with your sweet daughter but for us it just gets easier. It may be because what used to be hard is easier and new hard things keep coming as time goes on but overall we are at peace and have way more joy than sadness. I hope it does the same for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for teaching us so much. The price is high to pay though.
ReplyDeleteSo interesting that you wrote this because I could have. Ever since passing the date of my sons death for the first time I have been so angry and couldn't understand why. I definitely think the 2nd year is harder...I hope that things continue to get better in the 3rd year. Although, I am still nervous for his death date to roll around again :( Last year I was distracted with my new baby - this year, we shall see how it goes.
ReplyDeleteI agree, General Conference had some amazing talks yesterday.
How true this all is.. I think since I didnt allow myself to be angry or work through all of my emotions it made the process so much harder. I agree the second year is soooo much harder I think its because the shock has worn off and the reality sets in. We are about 6 months into our 3rd year and I can say it has gotten some easier. I say easier with caution because there are still hard, hard moments but there is more joy in there as well. I think your heart slowly learns how to deal with the grief and now the grief is more normal not such a shock. Not a day goes by that I dont think of or miss Kael but the heart wrenching cry all day every day or fight all day cryins isnt so apparent. For me now its around the anniverssary dates that still sting. Kael would be turning 4 on the 12th of this month and that leaves me lots of time to sit and think about what would have been... I can tell you though it does get easier. Thank you for your example and your strength!!
ReplyDeleteAshley, your strength is amazing. I have been following your blog for a while. What a wonderful person you are. I am so sorry for your loss, but the example you have become to others through it all is amazing. Reading your blog has made me want to be a better mommy to my 3 little girls and to cherish each and everyday with them. Thank you for that. You have a beautiful forever family.
ReplyDelete(I am not sure of her relation to you, but Shyanne Skalski was my roomate while living in Provo. She had mentioned that Preslee was maybe her niece?)
You guys have been through so much and I'm so glad you were able to share your story with all of us along the way. Please know I think of you often and I'm sending prayers your way. Love you ash
ReplyDeleteI remember at Preslee's funeral my dad talked to me (and maybe you or Pat were there, can't remember) about how he was angry when his mom died when he was 14 and his dad died when he was 19. And it was okay to feel anger cause it helped with the grieving. You never did get angry after Preslee died and I was angry for you - so I'm glad you can let out that emotion and know that it won't last forever and will just help you to get to a better place! We love you and love Patrick and Ledger too!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting this! I have found myself going through the grieving process throughout my life. ...First when I had a miscarriage, and now as I am learning to forgive someone and letting go of all the hurt. Thank you for being so honest about your feelings--and what you are going through. Though our situations/circumstances are not the same--it's nice to know that the grieving process is somewhat similar.
ReplyDeleteIt has been 25 years for me, each year is easier, but it is so important to FEEL all the feelings, you will get to the other side of the fire, but you have to feel each step, it gets easier with time, but they are always there, and really, would we want it any other way?
ReplyDeleteI've been following your story for so long and I spend my time there reading it both smiling and crying uncontrollably. I don't comment much because I'm not that good with words, especially words that are so heartfelt.
ReplyDeleteI found the link to your blog from my daughter's blog a year or so ago. She was a student at BYU-I. I don't think you knew each other. But then her sister found your blog a while ago as well and was so touched by it that she wrote a song for you (and, in part, for all the other angel moms I think..) She said she was thinking of sending it to you, but I'm not sure if she did. I was hoping she would because I could imagine that it would be a comfort. I thought it was beautiful and it also made me both smile and cry uncontrollably. I don't know how she comes up with these things, but I imagine somehow she was mainly inspired by you and Preslee. Let me know if you'd like me to ask her to send it to you, if she already hasn't.
As a mother I can't even imagine having to have gone through what you've endured but you are such an inspiration to so many. And that Ledger is such a beauty! You have a wonderful family! Keep hanging in there.
And thank you for all that you share!
Jannet