I look at water very differently than I used to.
How can something so important for human life, also be extremely dangerous?
About a month after having Ledger, Pat noticed I bathed him as little as possible. He asked why I mainly wanted to give him sponge baths? I just mumbled a lame answer, but the truth was, it scared me.
Now we're onto the stage where Ledger won't sit still, he's rolling over, climbing, going absolutely nuts because he loves the water so much. It terrifies me. I hate it. I know he'll be fine with me right next to him, but when I see his panicked face, the one that looks identical to his older sister's when her face hit the water, or when she took an accidental gulp of water, I begin to panic. It's painful, because I can only imagine what Preslee experienced in the canal. I try to do everything in my power to not think about it, but I have a hard time pushing those thoughts aside as I watch Ledger during bath time. This usually leads to tears streaming down my face until I take Ledger out of the tub.
Though it still hurts, I'm doing better with it. Don't worry, I do bathe him. The guilt used to be overwhelming. Extremely overwhelming. I can only imagine how scared she was, and I hate to think about how I wasn't there. I wasn't there to protect my child. It started to consume me, that's all I could think about. I didn't want to mention it to Pat, because if he didn't already have these thoughts in his mind, I certainly didn't want to place them there.
Then one night, while reading my scriptures, I came across Doctrine & Covenants 42:46
46 And it shall come to pass that those that die in me shall not taste of death, for it shall be sweet unto them.
If I've ever felt Preslee close by, it was certainly at that moment. I was filled with such peace. A peace that declared to me that she didn't suffer, and that she went very quickly. The guilt I had carried around for so long was wiped away, and I felt so very loved by my daughter at that moment.
A tender mercy.
Pat and I have talked about how we need to take Ledger swimming. We realized it was time to face our fear, and move past our anxiety. This past weekend we headed to Boise for the State basketball tournament. (Boy's High school Basketball) It was a fun little getaway. Madison and Rigby both made it to state, so we couldn't pass it up.
At 10:30 PM, we decided to have some fun. We woke Ledger up, put him in his cute little swim suit and took him down to the pool. He cried all the way down, because he was so tired, but once he was in the water, his face broke into a smile. He kicked and squealed, and even flirted with some teenage girls until he became exhausted. He clearly thought his dad was the greatest, because every time I held him he reached for Pat.
I realize life/grief is still a process and we're continually taking small steps forward.
Ledger, I'm sorry that you will have to deal with two frightened, extremely anxious parents at times; but it is a process, and we're definitely progressing.
How can something so important for human life, also be extremely dangerous?
About a month after having Ledger, Pat noticed I bathed him as little as possible. He asked why I mainly wanted to give him sponge baths? I just mumbled a lame answer, but the truth was, it scared me.
Now we're onto the stage where Ledger won't sit still, he's rolling over, climbing, going absolutely nuts because he loves the water so much. It terrifies me. I hate it. I know he'll be fine with me right next to him, but when I see his panicked face, the one that looks identical to his older sister's when her face hit the water, or when she took an accidental gulp of water, I begin to panic. It's painful, because I can only imagine what Preslee experienced in the canal. I try to do everything in my power to not think about it, but I have a hard time pushing those thoughts aside as I watch Ledger during bath time. This usually leads to tears streaming down my face until I take Ledger out of the tub.
Though it still hurts, I'm doing better with it. Don't worry, I do bathe him. The guilt used to be overwhelming. Extremely overwhelming. I can only imagine how scared she was, and I hate to think about how I wasn't there. I wasn't there to protect my child. It started to consume me, that's all I could think about. I didn't want to mention it to Pat, because if he didn't already have these thoughts in his mind, I certainly didn't want to place them there.
Then one night, while reading my scriptures, I came across Doctrine & Covenants 42:46
46 And it shall come to pass that those that die in me shall not taste of death, for it shall be sweet unto them.
If I've ever felt Preslee close by, it was certainly at that moment. I was filled with such peace. A peace that declared to me that she didn't suffer, and that she went very quickly. The guilt I had carried around for so long was wiped away, and I felt so very loved by my daughter at that moment.
A tender mercy.
Pat and I have talked about how we need to take Ledger swimming. We realized it was time to face our fear, and move past our anxiety. This past weekend we headed to Boise for the State basketball tournament. (Boy's High school Basketball) It was a fun little getaway. Madison and Rigby both made it to state, so we couldn't pass it up.
At 10:30 PM, we decided to have some fun. We woke Ledger up, put him in his cute little swim suit and took him down to the pool. He cried all the way down, because he was so tired, but once he was in the water, his face broke into a smile. He kicked and squealed, and even flirted with some teenage girls until he became exhausted. He clearly thought his dad was the greatest, because every time I held him he reached for Pat.
I realize life/grief is still a process and we're continually taking small steps forward.
Ledger, I'm sorry that you will have to deal with two frightened, extremely anxious parents at times; but it is a process, and we're definitely progressing.
I don't often comment, but your posts often make me cry. I know as a mom those horrible thoughts would consume me as well. It's only natural. But it's good that you can focus on the positive as much as possible. Not just for yourself, but for your loved ones as well. Take care of yourself and that precious little boy. :-)
ReplyDeleteAshley your blog is darling! I'm going to have to get the new "button" to put on my blog! I love it!! I look up to you and Pat so much and appreciate your honest feeling on here! I am constantly praying for you guys and even though we don't know each other I feel that you are our friend! Ledger is darling and I enjoy seeing pictures of him on Instagram!
ReplyDelete-Natalie Green
just kidding the button is the same you just have a darling new picture on your end of it!!
ReplyDeleteI can TOTALLY relate to this. I was feeding Nate a bottle and sat him up to burp him. He started struggling and I totally just thought that he was uncomfortable because he had to burp. Seconds later he went code blue in my arms and was ripped away by a staff of nurses and doctors -- they never got him back.
ReplyDeleteIt turns out that the hospital made a mistake and caused a blood clot that they never caught. It had nothing to do with me feeding or burping him but when Brady was born I had a TON of anxiety every time I had to feed and burp him. It's getting better now that I've done it a thousand times and he's been fine every time but it's still a reminder of how things can change in an instant.
Sending you love and hugs,
Trisha-
i can't even imagine... and i am going to fix the button thing.. i guess i got ahead of myself and forgot to switch out the other code :)
ReplyDeleteYou are Truly Amazing! You are just so Amazing. One thing I have learned through my life is to not bottle or push aside any feelings I have due to a past experience. I did that with so many sad events that happened in my life that my jar of emotions would just overflow when it came to an event that emulated some of the passed experiences. I learned, when I tried to push something aside because I knew that my fear has reason to be, but will not probably come to fruition, it just was not good for me. I needed to take time later and allow myself to feel that fear so I could release it. All-in-all, I completely understand what you are talking about and pray that your fear can be put to rest so you do not feel so overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine. Ledger is a lucky baby and I'm sure he'll grow into a man who understands that everything you did was out of protecting him and loving him.
ReplyDeleteMy name is Laurin. I just recently found your blog, and I must say I have been praising God ever since.
ReplyDeleteThe honest and true feelings that you share here are ones I am sure I will face in the future. Thank you for your honesty and for following the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
I am 23 and I can't imagine having to go through what you have. I will pray for you, and when I become a mother, Lord willing, I will remember your story.
I am excited to continue following your blog and your families story. Thank you so much for sharing!
Sweetie, It is such a process! I am so proud of you for taking those leaps of courage. So interesting how our life experience influences our fears. . . for me, I was afraid of the falling motion, the panic and stomach-in-the-throat anxiety when you are falling. I could only think, 'this was the last feeling, emotion that James felt." And I like you experienced a similar 'knowing' that James didn't suffer and that angels literally buoyed him up and protected him from suffering. Slowly we tackle those anxiety's ....they will probably be there in small ways, but I am proud of your for taking those steps. I remember the first time I went back to the house, and then the hospital, and then the hospital room and then I jumped off a cliff at powell.....all very big accomplishments of not letting it get the best of us. Hugs and encouragement in facing your adversity:).
ReplyDeleteTotally understandable about the water fears! I would be too. You both seem to be dealing so well with your loss, considering. Sweet is the peace the gospel brings :D Maybe Ledger loves it so much because he needs you to love the water again...who knows.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you. Though I do not have another little one, I struggle watching my older children in the water. I love water, it has always been so peaceful and soothing to me but now I view it as a deadly force that snatched my baby from my arms. Praying that you can continue to enjoy the fun of splashing and playing that Ledger deserves to have with you.
ReplyDeleteOh that scripture is such a blessing to you! I am so happy the peace you had when you read it. My daughter reminds me so much of preslee from pictures! You two are the greatest parents and give such amazing inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the new lok and thank you for the scripture reference it was one I needed to hear. Since we have no cause of death for Gabie I frequently wonder if he was ever in any pain and pray that he wasn't.
ReplyDeleteYou have become an amazing writer, well you've always been great but then you just grew into a professional status ha. Love hearing the thoughts in your mind and how far you're coming. Hope last night went well!
ReplyDeleteYou have become an amazing writer, well you've always been great but then you just grew into a professional status ha. Love hearing the thoughts in your mind and how far you're coming. Hope last night went well!
ReplyDeleteYou have become an amazing writer, well you've always been great but then you just grew into a professional status ha. Love hearing the thoughts in your mind and how far you're coming. Hope last night went well!
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing Ashley. I can't imagine how hard that must be to have Ledger in the water, but it's obvious that you're an amazing mom for doing it for him anyway!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this. The honesty of the ups and downs of your journey is what keeps me reading and thinking/praying about your family.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog a few months ago and have been following it since.. I admire your faith and strength.. I am a mother of 2 girls and although I myself have never lost a child 2 of my best friends have.. Julie lost her daughter Kayla Weber to Neuroblastoma stage 4 at a tender age of 15 mths.. and my friend Summer who had a baby girl born with Full Trisomy 18 and lived for 201 days and grew her wings June 12 2011, so we are coming up on a year.. I have suffered their losses but it is not the same and I am so sorry for your tragic loss.. Your daughter was/is beautiful and how you have allowed your self to grieve and love with a whole heart again truly is amazing...Your family is beautiful and your faith inspires me to love deeper, hug a little tighter, and grow a deeper relationship with our maker.. Jesus Christ.. Bless you and your family. Just because we may not know each other please remember you and your dear family remain in my prayers and you continue to inspire me... xoxo Jamie
ReplyDeleteI know what avoidance due to fear is like.After our house burned down in a fire 16 YRS ago I was paranoid about not leaving anything plugged in for fear of a repeat. I'd unplug it right away after use and not leave anything plugged in. Even now after all these YRS we still won't have any candles or anything with an open flame either.
ReplyDeleteA lady above , Natalie , expressed how I feel when she said she looks up to you. I constantly feel the same after reading your words - you are an amazing strong and brave person with such dignity. I'm so sorry that you were experiencing such anxiety with bathing Ledger.
ReplyDeleteSweet Mother....Preslee was NOT alone or overcome with fear because I truly believe that she had the Savior's arms around her and was gently trying to bring her home. I know that you will feel this truth too as you are blessed with the spirit that comforts you.
ReplyDeleteYou are simply AMAZING! I love that scripture. What a sweet tender mercy you experienced! Love ya ash!
ReplyDeleteThat is so enlightening, thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteDear Ashley,
ReplyDeleteIt take the strength of Jesus to give you the courage to share so boldly and bravely! BIG HUGS! I'm also very proud of you and hubby taking Ledger to the pool. :) I'm sure that was not easy, and only Jesus can give us that kind of strength! What you have written...I've felt almost the exact same things. Unfortunatly, I can relate. Our oldest son drowned in an accident about three months before Preslee. For months after the accident, I wouldn't let Evan (our only surviving child)take a bath or shower without either myself our my husband being in the same room, and he was 4.5 at the time. What you have felt and still have feeling is normal. I view water much differently that I ever have, and will always use extreme caution. You are not alone. God bless you!
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I don't comment too often either, but this post made me cry. I can completely understand how you would have those feelings about water and not being at the canal when her accident happened. As mothers, we want to always be there for our children, especially when they are hurting. That scripture was definitely a tender mercy. I am so glad you came across it and that you felt Preslee's love. I completely agree that she did not suffer. The Lord would not let her suffer. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It strengths my testimony of the Savior's love for us and that we do get tender mercies from the Lord during our trials.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. When I read it, I immediately remembered a similar post that might have some helpful insights. Her little boy drowned when he was about the same age as Preslee, and shortly after the accident, she and her husband were able to meet with Elder Richard G. Scott. He gave them some wonderful counsel about feelings of guilt. As you read through, I think she talks about the meeting with him under #9. http://tiffcorbandcob.blogspot.com/2008/10/tender-mercies.html
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful tender mercy.
ReplyDeleteOnce when my son was in the tub and I was sitting on the toilet across from him, he slid under the water. In those brief moments, time slowed down. I saw him completely relax and be at peace in the water for what seemed like several minutes...but it was only a few seconds. I pulled him out of the water but will never forget the serenity of the moment.
Your beautiful girl didn't suffer. She loves you. Grief is a hard road. I'm sending much love as you continue to walk it and confront your fears head on. It wouldn't surprise me if Ledger turns out to be an Olympic swimmer.
I came across your blog through a friends blog and I have been following it ever since. I love reading your posts and admiring your family's strength. I too believe she did not suffer. I heard a story from, Enduring it well, (Episode 10 -3/4 of the way through), on the Mormon Channel.org about Jedidiah Grant having a near death experience. He said that when he was in the spirit world he was greeted by his wife and his bay girl that had passed away. His wife talked to him and showed him their daughter that had died on the plans. She said, "Mr. Grant, here is our little Margaret. You know when the wolves ate her up, but it did not hurt her. Here she is alright." That was such a neat moment for me to know that these precious little ones that are called to the other side of the veil, feel no sadness or pain. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that makes it so. Thank you for sharing all your sweet stories and your real emotions. It has been such a comfort for me to read your blog. You are a great example to many. -Jessica Pickett :)
ReplyDeleteYou are the bravest woman I know! I am so impressed that you see the obstacle and take it head on. Wow! What a blessing you are in my trivial, little life!
ReplyDeleteLedger has two wonderful parents who have learned much too early how precious and short life can be. He's a blessed little boy to be loved by the two of you. How lucky you are to be together in this life.
ReplyDeleteLove the new look!
When I saw the pictures of Ledger in the water I thought to myself how terrified I am of water now. That was before I even started reading.
ReplyDeleteLast May my 4 year old came close to drowning. She is happy & healthy & here with us, but I still hate water now. Swimming was one of our favorite family activities. Now I'm scared of bath time.
You are amazing. Thank you for your example.
I love reading your blog Ashley and although I know it's probably hard to write about moments like this at times. I lost a cousin at a young age, and although I won't go into major details, she passed away after having a seizure at school during her first year of public school (she was home schooled until her first year of Jr High). I can only imagine my aunt and uncle had the same fears when their son told them he was ready to go to public school (they held off until he was in high school). Unfortunately, neither or them believe in a higher power, although they do believe their daughter is watching over them. I too, find peace in the written word and I'm glad that Preslee still lives in and around you because seeing the smiles on Ledgers face is absolutely priceless. Moments you wouldn't have had if you hadn't faced those fears. {{HUGS}} to you and your little family and thanks for sharing your blog with us :)
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing...thanks again for all you share...it is truly inspiring!;)
ReplyDeleteAshley I have followed your blog since you lost Presley. When I read of your loss I cried and was humbled at your ability to go on when many would hide.
ReplyDeleteYour story became even more real to me when last year I lost my 49 year old husband due to drowning. He was out boating at a local pond and he went to retrieve a small r/c boat from the water. He went under and never surfaced again. There was no underlaying health issues it was ruled an accident.
Every day my 2 children and I face our new reality. How someone so full of life can no longer be here,how we continue to go on.
I am at peace knowing that he is in Heaven and is watching us continue on without him. That is the daily challenge.
I am writing to say that many times your words were a comfort and an inspiration. There are many nameless readers out here that read your words and are strengthened by them.
Thanks Kandace
Know Ashley that on the day you weren't there someone else was, and He had her in his arms comforting and guiding her.
ReplyDeleteIt is only natural that you would be concerned about Ledger, and it time that will pass.
Keep strong dear sister.
My accomplice and I really loved reading this weblog post, I was just itching to know do you commerce featured posts? I'm always trying to find somebody to make trades with and merely thought I might ask.
ReplyDeleteAhighbloodpressurediet.com
Whenever I need a dose of perspective, I wander over to your blog, and I am always humbled and inspired.
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart to read about your pain, to think of everything you've had to endure. I wish these excruciating experiences weren't a part of your life story, but I can't tell you how grateful I am for your courage to share your insights. You have taught me more than you will ever know.
You are my hero. Sending prayers and so much love your way!