Today was a bad day. Sledge Hammer had a hard day too. He's teething, his first tooth broke through, his second is on the way and very close. Then Patrick came home, and I noticed he also had a hard day. We are ready for some things to go away ...
We've received too many letters about Preslee lately. Letters dealing with business about her death. I hate receiving letters like these. It gives me anxiety.
One keeps reoccurring from the state, we're trying to figure out how to take care of it. It's complicated.
Headstone business. We were lied to and are trying to sort it all out. The rare white granite we paid sooo much for is actually marble... Thank you to the anonymous lady who left the comment on the blog tipping us off. We appreciate it.
Another from compassionate friend, which was actually a nice one, they told me they were thinking about us with her Birthday coming up. So I guess I did appreciate this one.
One from the IRS stating someone else also claimed Preslee's as a dependent on their tax return for 2010. This gave me major anxiety. Hopefully we'll get it all sorted out tomorrow.
We tried to let Preslee be an organ donor when she passed away, but things didn't go well. Complications occurred and they weren't able to accept any of her organs. The company felt we tried our best, so they send us information in the mail, just as if we were any other family of an organ donor... I hate it. I need to get on their site and figure out how to take our names off the list, but I don't really want to even look at their site or call. They mean well, and we appreciate the gesture, but every time I see their letters come through, it brings back horrible memories. Nothing went right that day.
So to say the least, I've had some anxiety. Anxiety from the Holidays, and from some other situations I won't go into.
But then tonight, I came across this article. Boy, can she write. Phenomenal. She truly answered my prayers. She brought back that eternal perspective that is so difficult to keep when you find yourself in the thick of trials. She brought me back to our Savior and reminded me He understands. He understands perfectly. So when I think there isn't anyone to talk to who will truly understand, I need to remember I need to get on my knees a little more often. If you are in need of some spiritual enlightenment, read Michelle Newman's article. Even if you've never lost a child, I'm sure all of us can relate.
After reading her article, here are two major blessings in my life. My two boys.
Ashley, I have commented before, but this time I wanted to share something personal with you that I think you may be able to use. I have recently been seeing psychiatrist, I learned that one thing I have never done well is to process. I will feel the pain that occurs when something sad or bad happens, but I never finish feeling the pain or even start to processes it. Which then led to feeling the same amount of pain over and over and over!! Again!! It would Eat at me! I always prided myself on being a very easy, well organized person, but I think that my over organizing and need for control may stem from the fear of failure which then leads to disappointment. I reached a point of overflowing of sadness and hurt, when I knew my life could not be any better. I love my life, I am only 20, but I just knew something was just wrong. I have been learning how to processes things so they don't add to my closet of harsh emotions. All I have to do is sit in my room and visualize the problem or person and speak to them. Say EVERYTHING that is on your mind about it. Even if it is what you want and not only how you feel, say it. To let it all out and release it. It isn't always a one time deal for each problem, but wow is it helpful. Recently I saw the newest Twilight movie. I have never read the books and have seen part of the first movie. But my friend really wanted to watch it with me, so I went. This was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. We saw a late showing. Some emotions started popping up and they weren't fun to have. I then sat in my room and talked to the character that struck an odd cord and all of the pain I was feeling started to lift away. I was driving to see the same friend this Monday and I drove past the movie theatre where we saw Twilight. All of a sudden the pain came rushing back. (I didn't do anything, i just let the pain eat at me...bad choice) Then I saw my friend. THe movie was brought up. The pain got worse. It was killing me. I couldn't believe a movie could do this to me. Today I was at my fiend's house. She had gone out of the room and I visualized the problem and I again felt the release. I told it this time that it could no longer allow me to feel this way and I was going to live my life without it. I literally felt it start to really disappear. I know I have a few more times with approaching and processing it, but I don't mind, because for the first time, I know what to do. I will no longer bottle it up inside. And to add to the bottling inside, I have never been a person to hide how I am feeling. So to learn this new way of fixing the harsh emotions was the best message ever. It is amazing how little things can do that. I truly hope this helps you. I wish you the best of luck. You are an amazing young women and I truly look up to your persistence for courage and love you have in your heart.
ReplyDeleteHey Ashley, I can't imagine what you must be feeling... it hurts my heart to imagine. How awful for people to prey upon people in hard times! Seriously messed up. I'm thinking of you & your family & you are right to focus on being grateful for your two boys :)
ReplyDeletexo
amy
Bonjour Ashley -
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how things can get at you, I feel so sorry that at such a young age, you and your husband have to deal with such painful stress.
I hope you find solace and support in each other, and of course, in your beautiful baby boy, oh he is such a cutie.
All the way from France - you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Val
PS :couldn't a friend or a relative take care of "administrative" issues onn your behalf and spare you some grief ?
Ashley and Patrick... You are both amazing people...Thanks for sharing your life, trials and tribulations.Your blog posts are always simple and gorgeous!!!Just like Pres and Ledger!!! i PRAY that you get resolution to all these heart breaking issues you are facing!!! Remember Jesus has your back... He is holding you and knows your needs... Keep holding on and fighting!!! YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThe letters the phone calls the painful reminders do seem to have no end. We have recently had a mess with the IRS also. Basically because we did not claim her on our 2010 tax returns they seemed to think she never existed and therefore should not have been claimed on our 08 and 09 returns. It was a mess and it hurt like crazy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're dealing with so many painful thing right now Ashley. Know that we're praying for you and that so many people love your little family and want to help in any way we can.
ReplyDeleteAsh im sorry to hear about the really hard time your facing now..I would just want to kick all those letters and people out of my head..I cant imagine what your going through! Im thinking about you and I hope this thicket of anxiety/stress goes away soon. You guys are amazing people..youve gotten through the impossible, the Lord will keep helping you along and giving you strength!
ReplyDeleteContinue to trust in the Lord and pray for the guidance and strength that you need. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteThis my first comment. Sorry to hear about what is going on. The IRS will handle who ever claimed Preslee. They will have to pay additional taxes, plus penalties and interest. I hope everything else will be resolved soon. Take care.
ReplyDeleteJulie
I too read Michelle's article yesterday and sobbed through the entire thing. What a perfect way to explain so many of my feelings. I want you to know that I called IDS and you are now removed from the Heart to Heart mailer. Don't worry about getting on their website. If you happen to receive another one let me know and I'll call and pitch a fit for you. I too well understand those things that just keep hurting. We keep getting called from Rocky Mountain Emergency Physicians about Gabriel's ER bill. I'm making monthly payments but they seem to think that it is necessary to give me a reminder call every month. Well that isn't the bad part. The bad part is that everytime they call they say "we need to speak to Gabriel Saville". I called them last week and told the billing department how much I didn't appreciate that and that my son passed away and every time a different person calls and asks for him it tears me apart. The lady said they shouldn't be asking for him anyway because he is a minor and they should ask to speak with his guardian. She put a not on my account so here's hoping that doesn't happen again. I don't think anyone but a parent who has lost a child understands how hard it is to deal with the loss and on top of that all the legal crap that comes with losing a loved one. I'm so so sorry you and Patrick are hurting and I hope that I helped in some small way. I messaged you my phone number on FB because I wanted to call you to tell you this but I don't have your number. Feel free to call to talk anytime.
ReplyDeleteLove Amy
we were both thinking of yall last night... and there was probably a good reason! Hope today is better, love you!!
ReplyDeleteI read Michelle's article sobbed through the entire thing. What a perfect way to explain so many of my feelings. Thank you so much for sharing, it puts alot into eternal perspective!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh Ash, I hope my little message didn't upset you more -if it did I'm sorry. Please know that we love you all.
ReplyDeleteRight before my husband passed away, he said his favorite song right then was "Life ain't always Beautiful, but it's a Beautiful ride". When I have a hard day, I remember that this life is not meant to be perfect, so many trials, so many heartaches, hardships for some, and incredible loss for others. I know you have that eternal perspective that this life is meant to be our test and we have the tools that can help us get through anything. I know - all that does not help when things get tough but life is beautiful, right? Preslee's life was and is beautiful. Keep smiling and hang in there. I know you will find your way and I pray you have good days ahead. I know this month is hard for you with Preslee's birthday and Christmas. But the Lord will see you through it. He will never forsake or forget you. Take care and know that many people care about you and love you. You have my utmost respect. You CAN do hard things!! Mary from SLC
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the beautiful article. And for you, may you feel of His sweet love for you. Life does get complicated at times, even with small things & feel so very overwhelmed (even looking into your bank account can seem like a very heavy task to do) but know that He is there. He loves you, He is aware of your long "to do list" tagged along with your pain, He is there for you. Take a break, a deep breath & ask for help if needed. I have felt like that before, when everything just seems to be piling in but He managed it all.
ReplyDeletevicky t
We've never met and I've never commented before. I can't help with the pain in your heart, other than telling you we pray for you.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I can help with the teething. Clove oil. It sounds totally nuts, but after four kids I swear by it. I asked our dentist about it and learn they use a synthetic version as a dental analgesic. You take 2 drops of clove oil and mix it in a carrier oil like olive, canola, or safflower oil. Then you just rub a few drops of the mix on their gums. I've used it on canker sores for myself. Hope that can help!
Karli
I was overwhelmed today by the amount of cynicism in the world. I felt like everywhere I looked, I saw and heard more cynical people saying and doing cynical things, and it made me sad. Then I read your latest blog entry, and I have to tell you what a difference it's made for me. In spite of all the reasons you have to be cynical, you remain caring, loving, and compassionate. Thank you. And thank you for sharing that article. :)
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've ever commented on your blog although I have been following it for the last year. I'm just starting the grief journey. . . I lost one of my twins (Porter) on October 14 and both of my boys were born on November 16 which is when we lost our other twin (Isaac). I want you to know that your blog is helping me. It has helped me to not be bitter. I'm sad, and upset, and sometimes angry. But I have managed so far to not be bitter or mad at God and a big part of it is because of the strength and faith you have displayed through your blog. You have also helped me to want to help other people and I'm brainstorming ways to do that. I'm so sorry for your loss. The death of a child is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm sorry about the reminders you've had lately. I never realized how much things like that could hurt. I hope all of the legal stuff gets figured out soon so your family can have some more peace. Thank you for sharing Preslee with us. Hugs.
A short but quick read from a mom who lost a baby this time of year and always seems to have an uplifting perspective like you do...despite the hard days. I hope it helps you in some small way.
ReplyDeletehttp://natalienortonblog.com/2011/11/30/a-healthy-dose-of-faith-just-for-good-measure/
Hi Ashley. I've been reading your blog for some time. You are a kind, thoughtful, strong, and supremely inspiring woman. Your grace, like your daughter's, has moved me to tears on many occasions. I haven't commented before, but it seemed like you could use some kind words today. I wish there was more I could do to help. Know that warm wishes from Buffalo, NY are being sent your way.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you had a bad day yesterday! And I'm sorry that you have to go through another birthday without Preslee. My heart breaks for you guys and I hope you can get through the Holidays with some hope and faith! We love you and hope you stop receiving things in the mail pronto :)
ReplyDeleteI had to deal with similar situations. Phone calls from the Coroner, a fex ex delivery of an autoposy report, numerous emails and coupons from all of the "baby" websites that I signed up for telling me what my baby should be doing at 3, 4, 5, 6, etc. months, special ceremony's for the "baby's" at the cemetary...
ReplyDeleteIt just takes your breath away sometimes. I know. My husband actually decided that he was going to be screening the mail and wouldn't allow me to get it anymore...he still gets it to this day. I'm sure that it was hard for him but I appreciated that I didn't have to look at all that stuff.
I wish that I could tell you that it will all go away...it won't. But a time will come where it happens with much less frequency. It will catch you off guard when it does but you won't have to face it as often.
I'm just sorry that you have to face it at all. It's not right...
Focusing on "what I have" and not on "what was taken" was a key to my healing too. You are definitely on the right track and heading in the right direction.
Hugs,
Trisha
Your little guy is so stinkin cute! Hope to see you all soon. Have a great holiday with the fam!
ReplyDeleteSheesh... the minute I think I have a trial, and then read about yours, is the minute I start counting my blessings. Ash, you and Patrick are such rocks. Hang in there... we love you guys so much. It was sure good to see you, Pat, and your little man last night. Wish I would have known you were having such a rough week. We continually pray for you guys and think about you all the time, as well as little Pres. Man, we miss her. By the way, tomorrow is the Christmas Devotional from the First Presidency. It is something I look forward to every year. Maybe watching it will give you a little peace in your lives right now. It always does for me. I love ya Ash! God bless your little family.
ReplyDeleteWhat Makes A Mother
ReplyDeleteI thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say,
"A Mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
"Yes, you can," he replied
With confidence in his voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay."
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
"I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!
"I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly.
My Mommy set me free."
"I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.
"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I am here."
"So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
"They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you.
"So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start."
~Author Unknown
You are amazing Ash...You have dealt with so much more than you even allowed us to know over the last 18 months. I can't imagine the heartache you both are facing with it all. I admire your faithful love to each other...the grace you hold your head up with.
ReplyDeleteMay the Lord lay his loving hands upon you in this difficult time. I would also ask that he would show you so much love, wisdom, grace & peace.
ReplyDeleteHi, Ash! I know that with the flood of comments you receive, mine wouldn't even qualify as a drop in the bucket, but I just wanted to say that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Always. You've had an incredible impact on my life, and I'll be praying that you can feel comforted this holiday season through the incomprehensible but all-encompassing power of the Atonement. I'm sending love your way.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashley, I am just another random reader of your inspirational blog. You don't even know me, but I have been thinking about your sweet family ever since this post. I can feel your pain and frustration through your words, but I can also feel your love, hope and peace as well. You are so strong and faithful and I can feel the love the Savior has for you and your husband. Know that in addition to my own family and friends, I pray for you and yours as well. =) Since your most recent post is about "Eternal Perspective," I thought I would include the most recent Mormon Messages video clip. You may have already seen it, but it offers a great amount of inspiration. Sending love and peace your way. =) Love, Jillian
ReplyDeleteHere is the link
http://youtu.be/EMwKxmTLaCs
I pray for your family for strength. How sad that people can take advantage of a family when they are dealing with a broken heart. I wish I knew you and was close enough to help through all of the unnecessary "paperwork" that you are having to deal with. My heart weeps for your loss. Debbie from Colfax, WA
ReplyDeleteThought of your little one when I heard this today.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZwI5wXU1z4
I work for Intermountain Donor Services and have read your blog since the accident. I can attest that we did all we could to help Preslee be an organ donor and I am so sorry that it was not a good experience for you. I will make sure you are removed from our mailing list.
ReplyDeleteAfter I found your blog a few years ago it touched my heart. I can never imagine the heart ache your family has endured to grow in such a strong way. Back in 2010 july the 18th. Our daughter was given the gift of life. She had gone into organ failure and needed a new heart. I want to thank you for your families willingness to be so selfless and think of letting your sweet girl be a donor. Its a amazing thing, and not many are open to doing what you had been open to doing for someone else. Mariska was 2 and a half, was quickly going down hill. She was blue, I hated taking her out, so many would gasp and say she's BLUE! It brought the pain and fear that if she wasn't given a miracle her time here on earth would end. I couldn't pray for this to happen. I prayed of someone was ever placed in a sad situation they would have some healing knowing they helped someone else live.
ReplyDeleteFor a long time after I found your blog I had a hope, and wondered was this the family who gave us a longer time with our daughter. She has had ups and downs with her health but has lived a "normal" as can be life since her transplant. other then seeing her scar or watching her take a handful of pills, she has a wonderful spirit, loving and compassion towards others pain. The family that donated wanted everything closed. We may never know if it was a boy or girl. All we we're told was the heart was a perfect match and perfect size. Not a day goes by where this child and family isn't on my mind and close to my heart.
Seeing your article in the ensign reminded me how blessed we have been, and added strength to my testimony of families being together forever.
Thank you for your sweet comment. Its a rare thing to be told that others appreciate our willingness to donate, especially where it turned out so badly. But it makes me my heart incredibly happy to think of other children getting the chance to live because of it. Much love to your family.
Delete