Sometimes my mind races a million miles an hour. Just about life. I most often think about Pat and Ledger. As time goes on, and I get more attached to Ledger, I seem to worry about him more. I also think about Preslee. I think about what life would be like with her here. I wonder what life is like for her on the other side.
When Preslee drowned Pat and I were at the movie theater. It was the first date we had been on in a long time. Just the two of us. I had convinced Patrick to take me to Twilight. Pat noticed a missed call from an unknown number while walking to the car. Then he noticed a text that said to call the number asap. So while we were driving he called. It was an old friend, who now is a policeman. He had heard Patrick's name on his radio. He told Pat to immediately turn around and drive to the Hospital. I knew as soon as Pat dialed the number, something was wrong. All Pat was told was that our daughter was involved in an accident and was being air lifted. What a horrible moment in time. I hope to never feel that horrible panic feeling ever again. I'm grateful Pat's friend called. We were out sooner than anyone thought and I would have hated to drive up to the chaotic scene...
The 4th movie of Twilight is coming out this month. It's everywhere, on the TV and radio. It makes me think a lot about Preslee and the accident. I think about while I was having so much fun, my daughter was struggling to hold on to life. How could I be so clueless? I think about how difficult it was for our family members and their neighbors to swim and search the canal. I think about everything that has followed since the accident.
I haven't watched or read Twilight since. I've actually done everything I can to avoid it. I realize it is one of the last things I need take head on. So tonight we watched it. This may seem like such a small thing to many of you, but it was a big triumph for me. I told Pat I want to go see the 4th one in theaters. I want to take Ledger with us to help with the anxiety. I know I'll probably end up spending more time in the hall than actually watching the movie with a baby in my arms, but I've learned if I don't do some things quickly, I'll never face them. I can do hard things right? Most often the anxiety is much worse than the actual event.
I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this. I think when I write on the blog, the computer listens and never talks back. It helps me make sense of all the jumbled thoughts inside of my head.
Thank you once again for your continual support. We wouldn't be where we are today without you. We love you.
I wish you luck with your accomplishment soon to come. Coming from a daughter that could not look up to her mother more, I know Preslee is extremely proud of you for coming this far so quickly.
ReplyDeleteYou are seriously one of the most amazing women I have ever come across... I wish I knew you personally, although sometimes I feel like I do. Your girl must be so incredibly proud of being yours. I can only hope that my little girl will be as proud of me once she comes to the world. Keep holding on. You will see her again and she is waiting for that moment just as much as you are.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. It's a trigger. The movie is a trigger. For me it's police sirens, uniforms, police radios... It puts me in a cold sweat and a panic.
ReplyDeleteRight after everything happened I was going to outpatient care for basically all-day therapy (kind of like grown up babysitting because I was so out of it) and I had to drive past two police stations to get there. It was awful. I would cry the whole way there and home. In the beginning I was pretty checked out mentally, so the strong reactions to my "triggers" came later. But it was still pretty strong even through my heavy haze- which basically protected me from even realizing what had just happened.
I have had lots of panic attacks since, shed lots of tears, hyperventilated on the freeway, and even been pulled over a couple times. The officer was so freaked out by my reaction he wanted to call an ambulance.
Believe it or not, my therapist thinks these are all good things. It's De-sensitization. Over time, my reactions have lessened. I can hear a siren pass now and not react immediately. If it just goes by, I can listen, and that be it. If it keeps coming closer and closer, my heart starts to pound, but I can control it. Over time I believe that it will continue to get better.
Just like with you, the more you expose yourself to these things, it will get better. The reaction, the anxiety will lessen. Bringing the baby is a great idea. I'm so proud of you for being willing to try it. I'm so proud of you for being willing to talk about that day. It's like you're slowly pulling back the layers, softly putting the cards on the table. And once you do, may your burden be lightened.
We can do hard things. Every day.
Oh Ashley-I'm the same way with Harry Potter! Haven't seen or read past the 4th book, after my son Jacob's death, it didn't seem to matter...
ReplyDeleteWhile I haven't ever lost a child, I do know what it is like to go to a place or see a movie or hear a song that brings on the anxiety because of the heartache that I feel. I have learned over the years that if I go to those places, the anxiety lessens, I am able to cope, and I even have some great new memories to help ease the burden.
ReplyDeleteI have also learned more and more through my trials that the plan that was presented to us before we came here really is perfect.
Thank you for sharing your hopes, dreams, and heartaches. It helps to know that yes, I too can do hard things.
Hang in there Ashley - it will get better. You are doing great.
ReplyDeletethis is a beuatiful post with SO MANY lessons Ashley. I have read you since that day...and rarely comment. What a brave and wonderful girl you are and what a wonderful thing you do in sharing your pain with others who may need to hear it. Peace.~Donna
ReplyDeleteOf course you can do hard things!! Just look at what you've done already! :D
ReplyDeleteAshley, you're an amazing person. Little Preslee is looking down at you and she is so proud of her parents. She can't wait to be with you, just as much as you wish to be with her. I think it's amazing that you're facing your fears the way that you are. You're so inspiring.
ReplyDeleteLove, Jenni-Ohio
Ashley,I started following your story shortly after the accident. I've never commented as I've never been able to put into words what I want to say. I don't know how I came to your blog. I am a first time mom to a 17 month old little girl and have never experienced loss like that of yours. I can't even begin to imagine what you must face on a daily basis. I've attempted putting my self in your shoes and instantly break down. My heart hurts for you and your beautiful family.
ReplyDeleteI want to say thank you. You and Preslee have taught me to slow down and really BE with my daughter. All the other things can wait. You have taught me not to take anything for granted as tomorrow is not promised.
One thing I have learned about you... you are strong! And yes, you can do hard things! You have proved that time and time again. I will be thinking of you as you jump through this next hurdle. I am sending good thoughts your way.
Dear Ashley, I found your blog button on a very good friend of mine blog when I was pregnant with my last baby. I started to read your post and immediately was heartbroken when I found out what trails you have been faced with in this life. After more reading I also found that you and I were both due with your Ledger and my little girl around the same time so I found that even though I didn't know you personally I had something in common with you. I admit I found it kind of exciting to see which one of us would have their baby first :) So I continued to follow your blog. Comes to find out Ledger was born one day ahead of my daughter, and I must tell you he is a very handsome little guy. And he and my baby even rolled over on the same day! :) :)
ReplyDeleteAshley, I do want you to know how I appreciate your honesty on your blog I feel the spirit so strong in your writing. My testimony of our savior has grown so much in the months that I have been reading your posts. I feel like heaven isn't as far away as we sometimes believe it to be. I would like to think that at your hardest moments of missing your little Preslee that she is right there holding you in her arms and comforting you, letting you know its ok and that she is always near you and loves you more than anything. You and Pat are wonderful parents to your children and wonderful examples to us all on what we need to be like. I will never be able to thank you enough on how much you have helped me just to appreciate what I have and to not take any of it for granted. Thank you
You are an amazing mommy!
ReplyDeleteI can't eat at a certain restaurant bc I was there when I found out my mom had breast cancer. I know it's not the same but I totally relate to your feelings. You are such a strong person.
Ledger is adorable!
I don't comment often either, but I read all of your blog posts. I loved this post. It was so real. I find your blog to be very healing. You are obviously very close to the spirit and because of that, you affect many people with your intuitiveness.
ReplyDeleteI just want to echo what someone else said. When I started reading your blog after the accident, I was pregnant with my girl. Your words have drilled it into my mind to live in each moment, to never want to speed things up like a crying baby in the night or her separation anxiety, but to hold on to each moment. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. I can't even imagine. You are doing a HUGE thing just by sharing your feelings on your blog. I know it has changed my life.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Ashley you are beyond amazing and inspiring. Just take your cute boy at nap time he'll sleep through the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteIt is normal to worry excessively about your other children once something bad has already happened to one of them. It's like that with us too: once our son had leukemia every time he or any of the other kids got sick, had a flu, a fever, etc. I worried it was cancer. Tragedy changes your perception and makes you more vigilant, worried and fearful.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing woman. I don't know you but it is safe to say you are a hero to many. You are to me. I am sorry for what you have been through. I can't imagine. You and your family are always in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am so grateful for your blog, and posts like this. You make me want to be a stronger person, and to do hard things. I hope to have your strength one day. Thanks again for sharing.
ReplyDeleteYou truly are so amazing and brave, and you are right you can do really hard things, I am so excited to see the 4th movie as well, and I know I will be thinking about you and sweet little Preslee the whole time.
ReplyDeleteI think it is such a great idea that you took Ledger with you!! You are such a smart girl with such a huge heart :)
ReplyDeletethats such a good idea! I'm sure it will go much more smoothly than the enxiety before!
ReplyDeleteI just want to echo what everyone else has said. You and your family are amazing. I don't think I would have nearly the faith that you do if I had lost one of my children. It would be so very hard for me to trust in our Heavenly Father and know that all would be well again.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that you said thought really stuck out to me.
"I think about while I was having so much fun, my daughter was struggling to hold on to life. How could I be so clueless? "
While I know it is easy to blame ourselves when something like what you have experiences happens, please know that it was NOT your fault. It is NOT your fault that you and your husband spent some time together. It is NOT your fault that while you and Pat were enjoying being out together, that your daughter was fighting. I am sure you know that, but...I don't know. I know that you feel like you should have been with her. And I don't want, or mean to, take that feeling away from you. But it is NOT your fault that you were enjoying a date night with your husband either.
Like most girls I am very excited for the new movie to come out but at the same time I couldn't figure out why every time I did hear it I would silently pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI do remember now that you did mention that is where you were at when Preslee's accident occurred. I can't seem to find the words to bring you comfort but I will continue to pray for you and your family, because at this time that is the only thing that I can even relate to being close to comforting. Stay strong. There are so many other's out there in this world thinking and praying for you each day.
Ironic you and Patrick were in the movie theater... I have the same feeling with the movie/book "Water for Elephants." My boyfriend and I were in the Joplin, MO movie theater watching this movie when the tornado hit just a mile south of where we were...He lost his home but we know many people who lost so, so much more. We were lucky...
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Your posts are so encouraging. I've been reading from the beginning.
I get this line of thinking 100%!! And I think you and Pat should be so proud of yourselves for being so strong and brave....you are such examples to us all!
ReplyDeleteThese are my favorite posts. The raw honest ones. They bring tears to my eyes. You CAN do hard things and you are simply amazing!!
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I know how hard it is when the "triggers" of grief smack you in the face and I applaud you for not letting them take control of your life.
ReplyDeleteI STILL (3 1/2 years later) haven't held a baby. I can't even get close. My mind just floods back to the memories of Nate going code blue in my arms and them ripping him out of my hands. But, next month I am going to have to face that fear head on. I have a lot of anxiety but I know that God will be with me in that room and I will get through it.
Hugs,
Trisha
I hope its better than what you are imagining and it will bring you guys that much closer to the comfort and peace you guys deserve
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how it feels when you simply see a picture/poster of something and all these memories flood your mind. I just hope you don't blame yourself or anything for going to that movie that night. We all need to make sure we get out and go on dates with our spouse. I wish Ethan and I did it more. I know that was probably the most horrible date you've been on, I just hope you won't feel guilty about going. I hope you and Pat can still find time to spend together alone. Maybe that time won't be for quite a while, but I hope you can feel confident in doing that again. You are so strong Sidd. Keep at it. I think it's amazing that you're going to face your fears straight on. Sometimes that truly is the only way to get through something no matter how painful. Hang in there. Keep smiling
ReplyDeleteLove, Andy
Good for you and doing hard things. What an amazing example you are to everyone! Good luck with many more "hard things" to come :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this. I was busy the afternoon my son died. I delivered chicken and dumplings to a man in our congregation who was ill. I came home and made pumpkin muffins. I was working with my girls, teaching them to sew. All of this - and my son was dying far away.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way about many of these things, as you have expressed. I never pass this elderly man's apt. without remembering. I don't make pumpkin muffins any more. I was reading a popular book by one of my favorite authors at the time - couldn't read it then, won't read it now, nope, not interested any more.
After all these years, we certainly do have fun. We leave our children easily, with a light heart and a prayer. We've been to the spot where our son died several times - our children have even climbed in that spot, all of them, repeatedly. Yee-ikes. Doing hard things, yes.
Baby boys are awesome, baby girls are awesome, the ability to have a baby at all is priceless.
Love your blog, keep writing.
I totally understand. David and I were playing Lego Harry Potter with the girls when Gabie's heart stopped and it took us both a long time to play it again and we refused to play it unless all the kids were surrounding us. Also the movie Isaac and Gabe were watching was a G.I. Joe movie we picked up used when Hollywood Video went out of business and we threw it away as soon as we got home from saying our goodbyes to Gabriel. I hate to even think of that movie since it was the last movie Gabie ever saw and the last movie my Isaac got to watch with his little brother. I guess there things that just take longer to deal with and I think that is just fine.
ReplyDeleteLove Ya
Amy
You are simply amazing and an inspiration to me EVERY time I catch up on your blog. Keep sharing - and teaching. You make Presley proud each time you do. Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post. It helped me make a decision. I lost my twins at the end of June and they were in the nicu for a few days. Well yesterday my sister in law had her baby at 29 weeks and he will be fine, but he is in the nicu. I feel so anxious and sick to my stomach to think of going back to the place my babies died, but also think of what a terrible sister in law and aunt I would be to not see my nephew until he comes home a couple months from now. I am going to face my fears and go to the nicu to visit. It will be hard and I will probably end up sobbing, but I think in some ways it will be healing. Sorry I just rambled, but thanks for your inspiring post. I agree that the anxiety is probaby worse than the actual event. We shall see :)
ReplyDelete