This week my mom and I drove to Utah. We took 5 large boxes filled with bags we made on Preslee's Birthday for the Pay It Forward Project. It was the first time I've returned to PCMC (Primary Children's Medical Center) since Preslee passed away. My parents have been amazing and have taken all the other loads down themselves. When we arrived, I chose not to go into the hospital. A lot of memories and emotions resurfaced. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it. Honestly, if I never had to go back in there I'd be an incredibly happy person, but who knows what lays ahead.
While my mom took the cart piled with boxes inside to the front desk, I sat in the car and watched the people coming and going. That hospital is sooo busy. I saw kids with physical disabilities, others I wasn't sure why they were visiting. I saw parents with the same familiar sick expression we wore on our face while we were there. I was happy for the parents who were able to walk out of that hospital with their children, even if they were still sick. I still remember the gruesome feeling in my stomach as we drove out of the parking lot without Preslee. All I could think about the next time I would see her would be in a funeral home. Ah, inside that hospital it is like a whole different world. My heart goes out to all those who are there right now.
I was also able to meet Kendra Webster for lunch, (my friend I wrote about two posts below) I was really excited to meet her. We text or e-mail quite often but we had never actually met in person. (Strange how many of you I only know because of the blog)We met at Kneaders and talked for about 3 1/2 hours, I couldn't believe how fast time flew by. We mostly talked about Preslee and Makenzie, and other things we don't usually share on our blogs. It was incredibly helpful to be able to talk to someone my age who really does understand what I'm experiencing. Kendra helped me realize I'm not losing it when I have crazy off the wall thoughts enter into my head. I actually had the thought while we were there, that if anyone heard what we were so casually talking about, it would sound strange. But it was just a 23 and a 24 year old talking about their lives. I left feeling much better than I had in a long time. I hope she's up to meeting again in the future :)
To be honest I've been struggling lately. In the past I told myself, "Just make it to July. By then you'll have a baby in your arms and you'll have made it through the first year. After that, you'll know you can make it through every single day from here on out. It will get so much easier." Well, it didn't. I think I was on a high from having Ledger and then I plummeted again. For the very first time since losing Preslee I feel bitter. I've been mad. And I haven't had a clue how to handle these feelings. Then at the same time I'm completely happy and feel so blessed to have Ledger. Have you ever rocked your baby and just cried tears of happiness and complete bitterness at the same time? I have, I've actually experienced it a lot lately. It's been difficult to handle such opposite emotions. Talking to Kendra helped me realize that it's okay. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling mad or bitter. It's part of the grieving process.
Today I did something I've been putting off. I went and talked to a counselor. It was only one visit, but he already helped me see some issues more clearly. He helped me see a pattern to my grief... guilt. I feel guilty about so many different things. He gave me some great analogies to help me better understand grief. I'm actually quite excited to keep seeing him. I think it will continue to be a positive experience for me.
Even though I've been feeling confused lately, I still try to count my blessings each night. This week I am grateful that my two nieces had a cousin to play with again. I am grateful parents sitting next to their child in a hospital bed will receive a Pay It Forward bag because of all of your donations. I'm grateful that I was able to meet Kendra. I'm grateful I have the knowledge I do of eternal families. And most of all, I'm grateful for a healthy husband and this little guy who is growing up too fast :)
You're so pretty. Thank you for blogging.. You're such an awesome example. I hope you have a good weekend Ashley!
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeleteI have written once on your blog before. I lost my daughter in January and I am 6 months pregnant with a baby boy. I often find myself being so excited for him to come and bitter that she could not stay with us all at the same time. Grief is such a long process and such a learning journey! Thank you for sharing!- Michelle (danielandmichellejensen.blogspot.com
Such a wonderful post - thank you!
ReplyDeleteOh Ashley....I had no idea how hard it still is. I mean I thought it would still be hard, but not having been through your situation I guess it is just so hard to comprehend what it is you are going through on a day to day basis. This post was a very personal, open look inside your heart. I admire you for being able to tell people these kinds of things. I admire people who don't try and hide behind a fake facade trying to appear to others that they always have it together. None of us have it all together...as much as we would like people to think we do. ;)
ReplyDeleteI think it is wonderful to go talk to a counselor. I think it is even more wonderful that you can tell other people about it. I believe that you are truly inspiring other people through your blog.
We need to get together soon. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever!
I've posted before that my husband and I received one of your pay it forward bags when you first made them. They meant a lot to us and we continue to come to your blog. PCMC holds a very special place in my heart. I remember riding the elevators quietly with other parents and wishing I was brave enough to ask how they were doing. Every parent there had a different story to share. The 3 weeks we spent there I was in shock most of the time. I also think that I wouldn't be able to go through those doors again. At least not for awhile.
ReplyDeleteit still breaks my heart, all of it.. the good and bad.. love you!
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeleteThank you once again for your honest and sweet post. Everyone always tells me time heals and in a way it does but not really. I think time forces you to go on with the change but it can never take away the pain. My husband and I still go through angry and bitter moments and guilt. Thank you for posting about the counseling. I have been very interested in going but my husband is not at all. I guess I just never knew how to go about it and wondered if it would really help. So I would love to hear how, where, and what you did to get started. tessie11@msn.com or 801-388-8223
and I thought my life was hard. Thank you. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's funny that you mentioned the pay it forward project. Is that something that you are going to do again? It was a great experience for my kids and we would love to help out again ...
ReplyDeleteI continue to read and pray for you and your family!
My husband and I still pray for you and Patrick every night. I'm glad we've continued to do so. You've handled this so gracefully, I can't even begin to comprehend the pain you feel too often. My heart goes out to you and I ache for you and what you may be feeling. Stay strong. You are a very tough girl. Love you.
ReplyDeleteOh Ashley, you and Patrick are always in our prayers!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for always writing such personal stuff. I know its not always easy. I just wanted to let you know that seeing a counselor is what helped me through my experience of losing my best friend. I had constant nightmares every night for about 2 months of the things I saw the day she passed. It was very traumatic for me. I didn't know the emotions I was feeling was the grieving process. It was the worst feeling EVER, but after going to a counselor I finally felt like there was hope and it continued to get better.
I admire you in every way. Thanks for sharing your experience. Keep smiling pretty girl. :)
Kelli Peay
I love you Ashley.. That is all I can even manage to type to you today... We just love you and your Family..
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs. I'm glad you went to a counselor because in reality I think most of us could use that help in one way or another. Also I know when I had a baby my hormones were crazy for months afterward and it took awhile to regain my "normal" mental state. Just a thought to consider. Hang in there. Still praying for you every night.
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeleteI know after losing Gabie and seeing what others have lost and how they've handled it, everyone's grief is so different. But once again I feel like I understand what you meant about crying tears of joy and sorrow at the same time. The fact that we're moving without Gabie has killed me. I struggle with it almost daily. Everyone thinks I should be oozing excitement to be with David and in a nice new house and I am, but there are so many underlying feelings of leaving my baby behind that I've really struggled with being excited to leave. One of my greatest fears is walking into a new ward where Gabe doesn't exist because they never knew him and he's not with us. But at times I also cry because I've missed my sweetheart so much and I'm thrilled to have him home everyday. It's very hard to deal with the double emotions and to be open about it and no one really understands so usually I just put on a smile and say how happy I am to be moving. But to be honest if David miraculously got a job here and we could move back into our old house I'd be ecstatic.
Love You!!
Amy
Ashely you are truly a beautiful person. I love reading you blog, its so inpspiring and real. Thank you for being so open with your readers! Im sorry its so hard, im so glad you got to talk with Kendra about things and that that it made you feel a little better. You are in our thoughts a lot, and because of your blog and reading about the trials youve gone through, it makes me appreciate and cherish being a mother even more every single day. Your amazing..
ReplyDeleteKash and I are constantly praying and thinking about you guys and just hoping you can be comforted each day...it really is the saddest thing you guys have to suffer through and we hope with all the crappy days that you have some good ones too to remind yourself that one day it will all be okay. We talked on Sunday about Paradise and life after death and I pictured Preslee and thought about her and what she is doing all day and how special she is! We love you!
ReplyDeleteYes, I have rocked my baby and cried tears of joy and tears of grief at the same time. With every subsequent baby. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, I've found it helpful.
ReplyDeleteBe gentle on yourself. It's okay to still hurt, and missing Preslee doesn't mean you don't love Ledger any less (or the opposite!)
It's amazing that you do so much in the memory of your daughter.
It feels strange that I'm sending you this as a stranger but I just wanted to say how pleased I am that you were able to both talk to Kendra and a counsellor. I imagine it's so healing being able to express yourself to someone and knowing there's absolutely no judgement only pure understanding. And the fact that you were also able to speak to a third party about what you are experiencing and having them take in every word and really listen to what you're saying and hopefully be able to offer you a helpful hand through advice. Thank you for your honesty and always writing so eloquently. I send you sincere wishes, just for strength. Renee.
ReplyDeleteAsh, you are amazing and I want to thank you for being so honest about your feelings. We are still thinking and praying for you guys and hope you know you have inspired me and many others. Ledger is so adorable and you look so pretty, I can tell you are a very proud mommy of two beautiful children, love ya ash.
ReplyDeleteAshley, I just wanted to thank you for your sweet and strong example. I never wanted to be a part of this "club" of having lost a child, but I can now understand what I could not before. Thank you for thinking of us in our time of need when I know your own heart is still broken. Maybe if we all lift each other, we will be able to keep taking one more step at a time. You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteJannie Clark
I've experienced deep loss and know the grieving process well. The angry/bitter part is the scariest part for me because I was scared that it might stick and I would be a angry/bitter person. I have learned to hold still feel the emotion without feeding it and like a storm just let it pass out of me. Visualizing ii as a passing storm has helped me. I'm sure you'll find what works for you. I wish you much peace.
ReplyDeleteYou're an amazing example to me and to so many others. I think about you often as I'm rocking Brynn and holding her. I can't even imagine going through what you and Pat have been through, and at such a young age. Just know that we pray for you guys and we admire your strength. I think it's such a great thing that you can talk to others who have been through similar trials. I hope each day gets a little better than the last.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand everything you said (an didn't say) about the children's hospital. After Nate was born, I stayed with him at our Children's Hospital the entire 25 days until he died. I lived in the Cardiac ICU and the things that I saw and the people that I met forever changed me. For those 25 days, the only healthy children that I saw were when my other 4 kids came to visit. It was like living in another world that I had no idea existed.
ReplyDeleteAnd then the day that we had to leave our son in that hospital room and drive away from there knowing that life was forever changed was the absolutely worst day of my life. It's impossible to forget. I never want to go near that place again.
Our family has been seeing a grief counselor since the day after the funeral. He has helped us so much in understanding our own grief and also in understanding why our family and friends walked away from us after. 3 1/2 years later we still see him and I can't envision a day where I won't benefit from his guidance and insight. It's such a comfort to know that when we are lost he will show us the way. I hope that you have the same experience.
I didn't know about this blog world until a year after Nate died. I have found so much comfort in connecting with other mom's that "get it" and just accept you for who you are and where you are at. People that don't try and fix you but just love on you. Some of my inlaws found my blog so I can't write about my feelings like I want to anymore but I still love this little blog world.
Please know that there are lots of mommies that understand and will be with you as you navigate through these uncharted waters.
Hugs,
Trisha
I am so sorry that you, Kendra and so many other families are experiencing these sorts of trials in their lives...sometimes it just doesn't seem fair, even when we know there is some reason we can't always see. I am glad you were able to meet with Kendra, I can only imagine how good it was to know someone truly understands what you are going through-even though you both wish you were meeting under other circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are seeing that being mad, bitter, sad while still being joyful and thankful is okay, normal and so understandable!! Being angry and sad have nothing to do with being thankful for your sweet little boy just as your love for him in no way replaces your love for Preslee-they both have a special place in your heart and life, just as the grief, pain and joy do also.
I think we often push aside some of our grief to focus on the good, to be thankful and that is good, but at the same time you have to let yourself feel all the pain, as hard as it is, in order to keep moving forward and truly living-not just going through the motions. I hope you find a lot of help through your councelling and my thoughts and prayers are with you through it all. Hugs,Em
I have never commented before, but couldn't leave this one alone. Our experiences are totally different, but I can relate to the grief process. I remember when I encountered bitterness and how it shook my world. I questioned God, I questioned my testimony, and I felt like the world as I knew it had fallen apart. Looking back now I can see bitterness as exactly what it is: a STAGE in the grieving process. And the nice thing about stages is that we move through them; we don't stay there forever. Peace will return; happiness will return; and you will be a better person for the traits you develop in the process of grieving. Here is a link to a series of posts I wrote 15 years after my experience. http://sevensheavenj9.blogspot.com/2010/10/remembering-part-1.html Like I said, ours are completely different experiences, but I hope that it helps you to know that one day there can be a sweet peace in remembering. I will say an extra prayer for you today.
ReplyDeleteYour wonderful attitude will get you through all of the hard times that are sure to linger around after what you've been through. I am so inspired by you because I know that I would be angry and bitter and cold all the time, and never be able to be grateful for anything ever again. It would just be too hard to see the bright side. But thank God you are able to do that. It will save you and your family. I'm so happy that you're able to move forward, despite how difficult it must be. Keep on being you :)
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I had a baby boy one year after my daughter died. I almost felt guilty for being happy. I was not ready to stop greiving for my daugher. I will never stop greiving for her. I think of her daily. But it does get easier. I love to think about an angel looking out for my family. I know that my daugher, Lauren, has a great part in my family.
ReplyDeleteI also love to tell my little boy about her. She is alive to him. He prays for her every night and thanks Heavenly Father that Lauren will be alive someday. Things like that make it a little bit easier, even though I will always miss Lauren.
Thanks for your blog. I can relate to you so much.
Oh Ashley. You are so amazing. I cant get over it. I cant stop thinking about you. I hope all of this becomes less intense. I hate that we can never change what has happened. That there is nothing we can do to bring them back...
ReplyDeleteThank you for always talking to me. I sure love you! I love Preslee. I pray she holds you!
Have been reading your blog for a while and cannot imagine all of the emotions you feel on a daily basis. Just know that one more person is praying for your recovery and complete restoration. You are so strong and such a sweet person! You WILL make it! K
ReplyDeleteSidder- I feel like you're riding a roller coaster every day. Actually, I know you are. I know that grief and guilt sneak in a lot of times with the grieving process and I know it's so hard to control your feelings or even somewhat understand them. This is why I'm so glad you were able to get into counseling. This will not heal everything, will not give you all the answers, but it will DEFINITELY help you and help you understand your thought processes. I hope this helps you get through things a little better. Again, you are amazing Sidd. You are a great mom to Ledger and you are a great mom to Preslee. God knows you could handle more than the rest of us.
ReplyDeleteLove, Andy
I have read your blog a few times and have found it from a number of sites. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my 7 week old in July and this grief roller coaster is intense. I too feel the same way about PCMC. I hope I will never have to see that place again! It is the worst feeling driving away with out your child.
ReplyDelete