I'm redoing the walls in my front room. Therefore I've been going through pictures that I haven't looked at in over a year. My sil Alisha edited this picture, she was able to take out the people behind her. I absolutely LOVE it.
But as much as I love it, the memories are flooding back. The hurt is back. The bitterness is back. The heartache is back.
Since I've had Ledger, I've noticed I've put most of my grieving off to the side. Pat and I both get asked the same question over and over again, "Has it helped having Ledger? Or has it made it harder?" I've noticed we both reply, "Both." It has been bittersweet.
At first when I would look down and see glimpses of Preslee in Ledger it was difficult. Even as incredibly happy as I was, it hurt. I so desperately want my kids to know each other and have a relationship. I want something different other than explaining to Ledger who his sister is through a picture or a headstone in the future. I'm already tired of strangers assuming Ledger is my oldest, or other moms making comments like, "One day when you have a girl..." I don't know how to handle these situations. Sometimes I tell them about Preslee and then they get that mortified look on their face and it instantly becomes incredibly awkward. Sometimes they immediately begin drilling me with questions, and I see the judgment in their eyes when they hear the word "drowning." Sometimes I stay quiet and just smile, but it bugs me afterward that I allowed that person to think she never existed. I still haven't figured out how to answer people.
There are so many similarities between Preslee and Ledger. There are moments when I love it and feel like it is one of the biggest blessings we've been given. I think I feel like there is a small connection between the two of them when I see the same smile on Ledger's face that his older sister had. He's brought back memories I had forgotten and I've been able to write those memories down in my journal. I think as he gets older the similarities will lessen because of the difference in gender which will lead Ledger to different interests.
Giving birth to Ledger taught me I was actually grieving two separate things-Preslee and motherhood. I had lumped those two different things into one idea. Now that I'm a mom again, a big chunk seems to have been lifted and I seem to miss the person she was and her fiery personality. That constant ache in my arms to hold a child has been filled. I feel so blessed to be a mom again, to be Ledger's mom.
I love that I have someone in the back seat of my car again. I love getting him out of the car and carrying him inside. I love that I'm never alone. I love the sounds he makes, he's a grunter. I love pushing my child in the grocery cart or in a stroller. I love washing baby clothes again. I love being needed. I love seeing my child reach new milestones. I love tucking him into bed and kissing his little forehead goodnight. I love watching Pat be a dad again. There are so many things to love again. So when that familiar hurt returns, I need to remember how blessed I am to be a mom again and how extremely lucky I am to have this strong little man in my life.
I can so understand relate to much you've written here, even though I have not and likely will not be blessed with another child. In my case I hate that people think Moise is my youngest, that I only have 5 children. And that look of condemnation at the word drowning? Well, I'll just say I completely understand. So thankful that you are experiencing motherhood again.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written, beautiful pictures. xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder to be unassuming when meeting someone and asking about children. No one knows what has happened in the other person life and should not assume that what you see is all there is to the story. I'm learning to ask differant question. I've also learned to not be surprised by one someone says and to reply with honest caring and not be judgemental.
ReplyDeletelove you ashley! katie
ReplyDeleteHi Ashley - I've been following your blog for some time, and I just wanted to send you a note of encouragement. I love seeing the pictures of your beautiful little Preslee. Keep talking about her. Tell Ledger all about her every day. I don't have any advice for how to handle the strangers' questions and comments, but I am amazed by your strength and faith. You are so inspiring to me!
ReplyDeleteYou are so amazing. To recognize what you are going through while you are going through it is a gift. May God continue to bless you with all the joy in the world. May he make the heartaches softer and shorter, and keep the memories of the good times strong and clear. Much love.
ReplyDeleteyou are the strongest most amazing person I have ever known! Thank you for sharing this....and for opening our eyes to what the rest of us should or shouldn't do. We all love you and are praying for you....and how sweet are your 2 kiddos? What beautiful little angels you have there!!!! ;)
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so sweetly worded. My mom has the same problem. She moved into your parents' ward after a few years after my sister had died. She always has a hard time of whether to mention she has another child that the ward does not know or what. I think you are doing wonderfully simply because every time I read your post I feel the Spirit. Thank you for such a wonderful post.
ReplyDeleteI know that a lot of people struggle with "how to respond". I have older children too and they get really upset if I don't mention Nathan. So, I always say that "we also have another son but he lives in Heaven". 3 1/2 years later the words are easier to say but always breaks my heart a little bit just to confirm that THIS is my reality - one of my son's DOES live in Heaven!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Trisha
Grief is so complicated - so many repercussions. So many people have felt similar emotions - you are not alone and it is OK to be conflicted. As for people you don't know who make assumptions and speak on those assumptions - let them absorb the awkwardness - if they are going to be nosy, let them feel the inappropriateness of their remarks - you don't have to pretend your daughter never existed to make them comfortable.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand not knowing what to say. A week after giving birth to my sleeping angel I went to a friends wedding as a bridesmaid. The first thing her grandmother did was ask me when I was due. I held back the tears, smiled, and explained he was a stillborn. Then I walked away. I had to walk away. He would've been 6 in September, and although it does get easier, it is still so hard. I am still faced with questions of how many children I have, some days it's easier to answer than others. I think dealing with these hard questions is another step toward our grieving.
ReplyDeleteGrief is a terribly complicated emotion. BUT.....so is LOVE. I can't begin to imagine how in the world you do it but you and your sweet husband will continue to love each other, heal with each other, love your son and any other children you may have in the future, AND....you will continue to grieve and miss your Preslee. But remember, the love never ends. She knows all about Ledger and why things are hard for her parents. She is prefect and beautiful and is watching over you and is happy for you to be a mom again. I will pray for you and hope for your every happiness as it should be with such a wonderful, faith-filled person such as yourself. Mary in SLC
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt that as Ledger waited to meet his new parents that Preslee was telling him all about you. I'm sure he knows her more than you think and will continue to remember her as he gets older. You are amazing parents and thanks for being an amazing example!
ReplyDeleteOnly those who have had this trial of losing a child, particularly to a drowning, will know exactly that look and the difficulty of telling people how many children you have.
ReplyDeleteIt is something I still struggle with too 3 years later. The thing is that while the conversation ends after a few moments, it seems no matter how I answer, there are echos of what I could have said or what I didn't say that ring in my mind for hours and sometimes even days later.
I usually don't mention that my daughter drowned unless people ask, "what happened?" So often I ask myself that same question. And even though I answer them, my mind runs around in circles afterward tying to explain to me what exactly did happen?
Just sending you a big hug. I so get this post on that point and on the bitter sweet feeling of having a new little one.
Love you,
Stephanie
My heart aches for you, especially when you have to answer questions, or explain to people the situation.I can't even imagine.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your moments with strangers.
i admire that youre trying to do your best to recognize all your blessings & what a blessing it is to physically be a mother again. i like what others have said about saying i have another child in heaven too. sending love, thoughts & admiration towards you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. Beautifully written...so full of love, and beautiful pictures. Thanks for sharing your beautiful family with all of us!
ReplyDeletehappy anniversary. and happy mommying again. what a bundle of joy little ledger must be. what a blessing. thank you for sharing your mothers heart with the world.
ReplyDeleteMy little brother died 15 years ago when he was 19 and when people would ask how many siblings I have I also had a hard time answering. When I did tell them about him I had the same interactions you have had. So then I stopped mentioning it, and then i felt guilty and mad that I didn't mention him. Then one day I saw an interview on Oprah (of course) about a family of 8 siblings and how they lost one sister to cancer. They mentioned this same issue and one woman said it best. The jist of it was "she is still my sister, so I tell strangers about her. Just because she died it doesn't change that she is still apart of this family, she isn't getting off that easy! She is stuck with us forever!!" :) kind of silly, but that is what I do now. My brother may have died but he is stuck with me forever so I tell if they ask. Same as your little girl, if strangers get all awkward and weird, that is their problem. At least you will feel better.
ReplyDeleteI've read your blog for over a year now and have never left a comment. I've wanted to many times but always felt kind of awkward....But today I just have to tell you how grateful I am to you...you remind me daily to let the small things go and cherish every second with my daughter. She is only 2 weeks younger than Preslee. Today I just felt very strongly that I needed to thank you. Thank you for being the one to go through all this pain to teach others and for sharing your story and your inner thoughts. I am humbled by your words daily. I think of you and your family often and always try to remember the things you express others doing that hurt so much. I think we often do not no how to react to people for fear of what we will do wrong...I hope that I can be much more sensitive to others because of you. I know that because of you and your story and your willingness to share so much that I am a better mom. I know that I appreciate things much more. So thank you..thank you for teaching me through your loss.
ReplyDeleteFor over 20 years, this has been an issue that I have had, the tug and pull of question and answer, explaination or silence. Interesting experience recently at a dr. appt., talking my med history with the PA - I answered as I always do, five children, then the inevitable explanation. The PA was so supportive and entusiastic of my answers, "Yes! You have five children! Yes!" After a bit, I had to ask, but I'm pretty sure I knew before I asked. Her only child died in the first tower on 9/11. We had a good talk - her son was a great son, he had done great things in his life, he was in his first big after-college job at the tragic CantorFitzgerald, a lot to be proud of.
ReplyDeleteI thought later, for me it's been almost 25 years and still... The answer a previous poster gave, the quick answer, one son lives in heaven, I heard many years ago and it works very well - whether at Walmart, at church, (it just doesn't work at the doctor, explanations always needed)or whenever.
Keep writing! Love your blog, happy for your happiness. Baby Ledge will know and feel his sister's presence, fear not.
From one of your biggest fans and a mom of four living fabulous adults and one son in heaven
I so admire your strength. I'm sorry for your loss and that people ask you questions and say things they wouldn't say (hopefully!) if they knew more about the situation. Your post brought to memory something that happened in our family. A few years ago I was with my Sister-in-law and her little girl and a lady in line asked how old my niece was. My sister-in-law answered and then the lady said, "She needs some siblings!!". My sister-in-law battled with infertility for ten years before being blessed with her little girl. There isn't any chance that she'll have another. When people assume things or make suggestions without knowing the background they make really hurtful comments. I'm not sure the correct way to respond. I agree with above comments though. You should be able to tell people you have two children and if that makes them feel awkward maybe they will learn not to be so nosy in the future. Thank you for your blog. You've taught me so much, I'm sorry that it has cost you so much pain but I will continue to pray for your family.
ReplyDelete-K.J.
My husband and I are technically infertile, despite having been able to actually become pregnant. Every single pregnancy has been lost. Our one child, who was adopted at birth, is old enough to know what happened and talk about it with the most recent loss. To look at him and answer questions is bittersweet. From what you were describing, I imagine my feelings are very familiar and close to yours. We are so blessed to have our son, he was a miracle in our family. Each day, I remember the five years of struggling before we got him. Each day, I am overwhelmed with all the little things I love about him, about being a Mom, and our small family, and more. You are right; one child will never take the place of a child in your home or your heart. But, please understand what a blessing the ability to build your family with ease is... Little Ledger is a miracle! I simply want you to keep remembering, although bittersweet, you will have Preslee for ever and you now have more opportunities to be a Mom, to learn, to grow, and to move forward and become the best person you can be... for both yourself and for when you're able to walk up to your baby girl again and finish raising her. Many times a day, I have to remind myself that. :) Sorry for the long ramblings of a stranger. Sometimes it is just nice to relate to someone, even online, and be able to express your feelings...
ReplyDeleteDear Ashley!
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I follow your blog since I read your story at facebook. I used to be an exchange student and lived in Rigby so have a a couple of friends there. I just wanted to say that you don't have to tell nothing to anybody. You feel just what you feel. And one more thing this pain will be with you all your life, I know that because my mom feeling the same till now, her daughter died 32 years ago. Your are a good parents you have a wonderful children. I wish all of you happiness for many many years.
Natasha.
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you in real life, but I hope I have the privilege of meeting you one day. You are such a strong individual. I can't even fathom what you must be and have gone through. I have a daughter who would be Preslee's same age and a son who is Ledger's same age. Today, I had just dropped off my daughter so she could have a fun week having one-on-one time visiting her grandparents. On my drive back, my mind went to you and your family and to your blog. I thought about the post where you said you hug your boy a little tighter and I started to cry. My heart aches for you and I wish you such happiness. Ashley, You really are such an incredible individual, and so is your husband. I admire your faith and your perseverance. I admire your strength and your testimony. Because of your blog, I hug my kids a little tighter now too. I take more pictures, videos and I record my thoughts. I want you to know that I am constantly praying for your family. You have a sweet angel both her on earth and watching over you. Preslee is doing wonders on the other side! Thank you for being an inspiration and hope to so many including myself!
-Nikki
We will never forget Preslee. Miss that girl. Love you guys...and love that little boy of yours.
ReplyDeleteI read ya sister... been thinking about ya... I guess since I can relate soo much I ache for you and our girls all the time... Love and Grief are a powerful thing... But the beauty of it all is knowing that we get to be with them again and knowing they were just together in a much sweeter place... I wish you could of seen their spirits together. I often wonder what little miss Jayci is teaching our future children. I pray that she is teaching them to be just like her!!! Hope your having a good day! Love Krissy
ReplyDeleteYou get so many comments... My heart still hurts for you..I think it always will. I am happy that you have been blessed with another child although it's not the same, never will be.It's still a great blessing. He does look a lot like Preslee. I bet it makes you want to cry and smile all at the same time and that's okay. Keep pushing forward. I am sorry that in this life your son will know her through only pictures and it will be a trial for you and Pat but you will all be together again. I believe he's already met her. He was on his way to you as she was on her way home. :) I know you'd give anything to have her back in your arms, I believe that's why you were blessed with your little guy so soon. It won't give you total relief from the pain but brief intervals. Take care of yourselves and try to take it day by day.
ReplyDeleteI think wanting your children to know each other and play together would be one of the hardest things in the whole experience. I admire you and think of you often and I truly hope you continue to be comforted and know that Preslee and Ledger will have a special relationship because she will always be there with him just like she is with you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Preslee and Ledger already have that special relationship you are hoping for. If only he could talk...I think he could tell you so much. I admire you and your ability to write your thoughts so well. I will continue to pray for your little family, Pat, Ashlee, Preslee, and Ledger.
ReplyDeleteI love what Emily in wonderland said about how to address awkward situations! In glad you have little ledger to fill that hole that was missing!
ReplyDeleteI first just have to say what beautiful kids you and Pat Make :)
ReplyDeleteSecond, that Preslee and Ledger are so lucky to have you as a Mom. I love seeing pictures of Preslee, she is beautiful! You are the sweetest Mom, I just love reading your thoughtful posts. Thank you for making the rest of us think twice and appreciate the little things in life that much more!
Thank you for your vulnerability. It is what makes us women so special. You bear your heart on your sleeve and you make me want to share my own sufferings more openly with people rather than keep them to myself. I can only imagine the many women you have touched and healed through your openness.
ReplyDeleteHere is something I wanted to share with you:
"I've always defined love as affection.
But then the seasons of my life and faith began to change.
My defining moment came when I realized affection wasn't enough.
God knows,
I need courage to love."
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteLedger looks so much like YOU in this picture at the end! I do see so much of Preslee in certain shots that you have posted (and she looks so much like Pat), but it's interesting that this photo for this post looks so much like you. Bless you and your family, and God be with you always as you adjust and learn how to deal with those awful, awkward situations.
Kelly
What Emily in Wonderland said! Can't say anything any better myself! Love from Idaho Falls!
ReplyDeleteThis made my heart ache. Along with Oprah's rerun today of the mother that lost her 3 children in a semi-truck car accident...my heart is SO FULL of gratitude for my babies TODAY. I will forever have a changed perspective of motherhood thanks to your sweet blog posts. The hardest thing in life for me is not caring what other people think...we've had our share of whether to answer questions or not with our first adopted baby girl...I know that feeling you are describing of whether to say something or not...because my first experience being a mom was not biological. Different experiences I know, but your words resonanted with my experience too. Please always stay honest in your posts...with all these tender, sweet feelings...they help all of us so much and you have so many people rooting for ya! ~Natalie
ReplyDeleteThat would be complicated with strangers. I know if I ever give a look when someone says their child drowned it is not one of judgement. I just think how horrible it would be and wonder how it all happened and how that person can cope sometimes with it. So I hope people don't think of I'm judging them. Maybe they aren't judging but are thinking those same worries instead. Your children are precious and even though earth life seems so long for them not to know each other, they do and will and eternity is much more important and much longer than life here as we know it. But this is all we can see sometimes. Keep enduring. You are amazing.
ReplyDeleteYou have been blessed with an impossible burden.
ReplyDeleteYour pictures at the top of your blog look awesome! You have a beautiful family!
ReplyDeleteI found your blog one day while blog hopping, and I am truly humbled. This post reminded me of something a friend of mine posted on her blog recently. Her oldest child passed away before any of the others were born, but they all know and talk about their big sister. I am copying a tiny bit of her post for you, this conversation took place with her 3 yr old (I've replaced their names with the order of their birth)... "I was talking to #5 about #1 today and #5 had the “WHY” thing going on. Why is she in heaven? Why did she die? Why did Heavenly Father want her to live with him? Then she started to cry. I asked her what she was crying about and she said, “I don’t want her to live with Heavenly Father, I want her to live with me.” We were both crying then.
ReplyDeleteYour son may not get to meet his sister in this life but he will know her.
I would say, "I have a daughter." and don't let them ask any more questions. Walk away.
ReplyDeleteThought I would comment and say neat theme, did you make it for yourself? It's really awesome!
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog for some time. You are such a strong example. I don't have any great wisdom or advice from personal experience. I do have a heavy trial of my own- with that, one thing that someone told me is to "recite" or have a standard response to these difficult questions- and then I won't get so very emotional or say more than I want to say to someone I don't want to talk to- I still get these questions often- but they relate more to "where is _____(my husband)" and I just say "he's not here"- it just shuts the conversation down- and doesn't tell them anymore than i want them to know. Of course there are others that I talk to that I know are compassionate and understanding- but others, I just don't want to talk to! I've found these "canned" responses can really work in some situations.
ReplyDeleteGrief is such a hard thing- its so cyclical- you think that you're doing OK and then you're thrown back into a place you've passed through before. I'm sure you've got lots of strategies to cope with grief. there is so much hope with the atonement and the healing that I know will come in time- but its all on a timeline that unfortunately I'm not in charge of! Its getting a bit easier but there are still days when I'm so weepy I have a hard time answering the phone.
Take Care.
Have you seen this website (The Mormon Women Project)- its not directly related, but I've found some strength from reading the stories of others- I think you'd make a great interview candidate-
www.mormonwomen.com
I love you and your blog! I have no advice for you but I can tell you what I know! Almost seven years ago my second daughter was born. As we were sitting in the quiet hospital room, her more interested in snuggling than eating, I had an overwhelming feeling - she had a sister. A sister who was sad to be left behind and would miss her terribly. Last year my fourth child and third daughter was born. For the first few months of pregnancy I was certain she was going to be another boy but something didn't feel right. The first ultrasound picture left no question, GIRL! I can't describe the peaceful feeling that came with that knowlede. Since she was born she has loved her siblings literally through thick and thin! She is so excited to be one of them. I know for certain our children knew and loved each other before coming to this Earth. I don't believe sweet Ledger needs to be taught he has a sister to love...he only needs to be reminded and I know he will be able to feel her love when he needs it.
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog about the time Preslee was in the hospital and have checked in from time to time since then. Your honesty and willingness to share your thoughts and feelings so openly is beautiful. You're a strong and beautiful woman.
At times when I read your blog, I feel like you and I couldn't be more different: you're young, married, a mother ... and as painful as it is, I haven't yet had those opportunities with all the joy and heartache they can bring.
But then I find myself drawn to your writing, your thoughts, because they seem so much like mine and I realize we are so similar. We may not be in the same stage in life, we may not have been afforded the same opportunities, our pain and joy and hope may come from different sources, but we both have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Our testimonies and our love for our Father in Heaven and Savior unite us all. Isn't it amazing?
I don't know if this makes any sense...
I guess I just wanted you to know tonight that there is someone out there who connects to your feelings of pain and your feelings of hope... even if through very different experiences.
Thank you for sharing.