I wasn't going to write today, but then I realized writing is how I seem to cope.
The word mom is an interesting title for me right now in my life. For the past ten months I haven't felt like a mom. The few time I've tried to express that feeling, the people I'm with immediately ensure me that I am a mom and always will be. I learned very quickly this topic of conversation is something I need to avoid with others. I know everyone means well and they don't want me to feel that way, but that's really how I feel.
I couldn't sleep this morning, so I turned on the computer. I noticed my friend Kendra updated her blog. As I read, I realized she's feeling what I am. She expressed what I have felt for a long time. But when I got to the bottom I started to cry. I cried because in 8 weeks, I'll be able to feel like a mom again. My heart hurts for Kendra, and for all the other moms who don't have that certainty of a healthy baby on the way. So I'm wishing a different kind of Mother's Day to all the women out there who feel the same emptiness in their arms today. Whether it's because you've never been able to have children, or you've lost one, I hope you have a peaceful day.
My sisters forward your blog to me...I lost my son last Aug and I do think that people mean well with what they say BUT it doesn't mean that it helps...everyone still tells me that I have 5 children, and I do...but I hate how other people that don't know me don't know that he existed.
ReplyDeleteSo exciting for you to be having another baby on the way...everyone tells me that it will be very healing once the new baby is born...I am more scared, I think, then excited.
Anyways, Thinking of you today ((Hugs))
I thought of you this morning as I hugged my kids; this day used to be hard for me because I couldn't have children; now I can't imagine the path you are walking. Most peoplea are afraid of grief and thus, respond in sometimes uncaring ways, even when they don't mean too. God is blessing you wonderfully with a new baby but I also know that you would love to have that little girl giving you kisses today too. I'll continue to pray for you daily. Yes, God is a truely wonderful God but that doesn't make the hurt and empty arms any easier.
ReplyDeleteHappy Mother's Day Ashley :) I have been keeping up with your blog and love to hear/read about your strong faith.
ReplyDeleteI have never lost a child, but we are going through tough times and you really inspire me to keep moving forward in the right direction. Thanks so much! Hope your special day is as wonderful as you are!
Thank you Ashley! I am not a mom, Yet. I hope to be one day. But in the 10 years of marriage and the countless months that have gone by without our dream being fullfilled I have learned to appreciate all the times I have been able to help other children along the way. I hope God continues to bless you and Pat, and you remain in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeleteI know we don't really know each other. I think we played sports against each other a time or two. But I just want you to know how AMAZING I think you are. Your posts have truly touched me and make me want to be a better person. There is hardly a day that goes by that I still don't think about you guys. Congrats on the upcoming baby. I bet he will be just as perfect as Preslee.
-Jenna
I can't imagine the pain that you must be feeling today. You are still a mother even in your loss. I've never stopped and thought about the ladies that have lost children, until I read your entry. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for reminding me and others, so that we can be more sensitive to the needs of other ladies.
ReplyDeleteLord, I ask that you comfort Ashley today. Give her a sense of peace and make today easier for her. Bless her, Lord. Amen.
You are a mother and will always be Preslee's momma. :o) My heart hurts for you and all of the other mommas who have lost a child, or have not ever conceived. We lost our son just before Preslee passed away. This is my first Mother's Day too, without him. I do have another son, and for that I praise the Lord. I am so, so happy for you all...that another blessing is on the way! I am glad that you blog. I just sat down to write on my blog too. It's very therapeautic. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteGlad you posted! I've been thinking of you today! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteWe don't know one another but I thought of you first thing this morning when I started my day. My arms and heart ache for you and the others who have lost a child or who have not been able to bear children. Throughout the day as people spoke at church and as I heard things about mothers day, I couldn't help but to think that you and those like you are the strongest mothers out there. Although that does not help make today easier I am sure our Lord is feeling your heartache today as well. My prayers are with you and your family. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteOf course you will always be Preslee's Mommy. However, at the moment your title is parents without children. A title that no one wants and few people truly understand.
ReplyDeleteSending you love on a difficult day.
Hugs,
Trisha
ashley i to am glad you post today i have thought about you this week and all the emotions you probally are going through, please know you will always be a mom to that little girl in heaven even though she isnt with you on this earth she could never leave your heart, i bet she is so proud of her momma right now.. you have amazed me with your strength and courge through this trial in your life and have inspire so many of us that are strangers to you... i hope you have a wonderful mothers day and im so excited for your little boy to come to you and bring some joy to you....please know your always in are prayers....
ReplyDeleteThank you Ashley. As a childless woman, Mother's Day is the worst of all selfishly worst days.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the wish of peace, and for your example of looking outside yourself when you have every right to be selfish.
Love and peace to you.
i've been thinking about you today. i'm praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I feel like sometimes those women who can not have children are lost on Mother's Day. I feel lost on this day as well. I see all the children singing to their moms and I want that but have not had the opportuninty. Someday, maybe in this life, but certainly in the next I will be a mom. But thank your acknowledging that women without children are still moms in our own respect.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashley, My cousins lost their 3 year old little boy in a drwoning accident 4 years ago. We rallied around never to forget Bradley by building a top rate "town" Play Ground named Bradley's Place. It is used each and every sunshiney day and some not so sunshiney days by children and adults from all over. Bradley is running through the rubber jump area in bronze. He is rememebered by all of us each time we are there. For the little one's who never knew him the word's of joy that leave their lips "mom can we go to Bradley's Place?" ring sweet in our ears. I hope you find comfort in the words people try to say with heart felt love and I pray that you will be able to share your REAL feelings with us. Those words not only help you but can help us to understand what you are feeling behind the smiles and tears. Blessings~Donna
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but I think about you often!! You are an amazing person, truly an inspiration. I cannot imagine the hurt and the pain that comes with the loss of a child. I heard about you because I grew up in the ward with the Calls. Such a great family! I just wanted to let you know that you help lift me up everytime that I read your blog. I really do wish you all the happiness this life can bring you. Your family is always in our prayers! I hope you have an amazing day!
ReplyDeleteThank you, that was just what I needed today! Much love!
ReplyDeleteYou probably already thought of a name, but I though it would be nice if the baby's name started with P, had 2 middle names, one R and one E, and your last name is S. His initials would be P.R.E.S. for Preslee.
ReplyDeleteYou seem like such a sweetheart Ashley. You're so inspiring with your words. I follow Kendra's blog as well, as I came across it through mutual friends. She is such an amazing mom as well. I thought of you both a lot Sunday and hope you were able to experience having a peaceful Mother's day. I would love for you to follow me..
ReplyDeletenandtandbandb.blogspot
Lots of Love!
I found this quote on another "angel" blog and felt impressed to come here and share it with you. Hope it brings you hope and comfort...
ReplyDelete"The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy."
-Neil A. Maxwell
Thinking of you today, Ashley. :)
You are the most selfless person I have ever known. Through all your greif you think of someone else. I just adore you Ashley. You have helped me more than you could imagine. The words you say, simple texts, just thinking of you changes my attitude. Thank you for being you. I can only imagine what you are going through. I keep thinking about all my "firsts" and it hurts knowing you are doing that now. Thank you for caring for me. Thank you for relating to me. This road is so similar yet so different for everyone on it. I cant wait for you to hold that perfect little boy. To hold him knowing he just came from Preslee. It gives me chills just thinking of that moment. You are so special to me. Preslee is so special to us. We cant send Kenzie balloons without thinking about her and pres playing with them together. Thank you again for just being you. I think about you all the time and if you ever need anything I will be here for you. I love you!
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting day for you Sidd. I can only imagine the thoughts and feelings that consumed your brain throughout the day. I just have to thank you for your honesty and frankness about how you REALLY feel. For those of us that have no clue how you feel or what you're thinking, we need to hear you tell us things straight up. I know you understand that we mean well by the things we say, but I never want to say anything that might offend you or make you want to hit me :) Honestly, I can't say it enough, but you inspire me to be a better Mom to Wyatt. I've noticed that I don't complain as much about the things that Wyatt does because I've realized that I need to embrace everything and that most things aren't worth complaining about. It's exactly the same situation with my husband... I hate how he leaves an inch of beverage in his cup EVERY SINGLE MEAL, but if he were gone, I would miss it and all I would want is for me to see a cup with some liquid floating at the bottom. One of my favorite sayings is, "You never really know what you got till it's gone." I like it because it keeps me in check with myself. It makes me appreciate what's right in front of me. It helps me keep an optimistic attitude. It helps me enjoy the present. I say all this because once again, I've learned something about myself from reading your post. I will never understand or realize how special and fulfilling motherhood really is until I lose it. Although I feel like appreciate everything that I have and all the people in my life, I know I need to show so much more gratitude for them all. I'm sorry this is so long but I just had to share my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited for you to be a Mom again! Your son will never be able to fill up the part of your heart that Preslee filled, but at least a new part of your heart will be filled with a new love.
You are amazing.
Love, Andy
Each year I try to make a Mother's Day post on my blog for all the moms with empty arms. I deal with infertility and really struggled to get pregnant with my daughter. I've since had four more fertility treatments, the last of which ended in a missed miscarriage of twins 7 weeks ago. Before having my daughter we would skip church on both Mother's and Father's Day. Last year I cried throughout the service because my clueless pastor totally missed the bill where "invisible" mothers are concerned. I forget how he kept wording it, but it completely cut out anyone who had suffered a loss.
ReplyDeleteWith the loss of the twins not to long ago my in-laws decided to honor them, my daughter, and the 23 other babies we have lost by giving me 26 roses. It was very sweet. I appreciate them acknowledging their life. It's not easy watching the roses die though. My in-laws are flying in next week. I keep picturing them asking if I kept the dead roses. I hope they understand I can't keep a dead flower that was supposed to represent my deceased children. I hope you had a great Mother's Day knowing P is in Heaven blowing kisses to you and L is patiently waiting to meet you.