School started on the 9th. It's been interesting. I can't seem to focus. I feel very overwhelmed. I've been told it's very common to not be able to focus after losing a loved one- it's part of the grieving process. Over time it should get better. I feel like I'm retraining my brain to focus and learn how to process new information. It's been challenging. But with a lot of work I'm figuring it out. By the end of the semester I should be an expert on concentrating. :) Even though it seems impossible at times, I feel grateful I have something keeping me so busy.
Patrick is enrolled also, he missed registration while we were at PCMC. Luckily there are some great people at BYU-I, who have helped him out. It was quite chaotic, but we made it work. I think his favorite class will be weight lifting. haha I told him I wish I had room to take a fun elective. He's majoring in Biology. He knew that's where he should be, but didn't know what he wanted to do with it. While at PCMC he realized he wants to be a pediatric PA.
As I sit in class and listen to the other girls (I'm an elementary education major, we have very few boys in our major) talk about their care-free lives it makes me think. Last semester that was me. My biggest concern after school was what I was going to make for dinner. As I sit and listen now, many times I envy them. Many of them have no idea what I'm struggling with. Not even my teachers. It's made me think, how many people around me are struggling with major trials and hiding it as well? It made me think back to a talk given by Elder James B. Martino Of the Seventy, I came across it right after the funeral. He mentions five things that we can learn from the last hours of the Savior’s life on earth that can help us to face our own trials. Click here to read it. It's helping me keep that "eternal perspective."
We finally started working on the headstone. We realized if we don't get on it we'll have to wait till next Spring to set it. We really want it up before it snows. I had no idea how overwhelming it could be. You have to pick, shape, color, designs, wording, fonts, pictures, etc. I have been going to different places, searching for examples of what I want. Luckily Pat and I have agreed on everything so far. If the company can do everything we want, I think we have it figured it out. Hopefully we'll get it ordered this week.
Thanks again to everyone who is still helping us out. We keep receiving gifts and cards in the mail and on our doorstep. And even if we are slow to returning your texts and phone calls, we appreciate them more than you'll ever know. Hopefully this week is a little better than last.
Praying for you and your hubs!!!! Good luck with school this semester!
ReplyDeleteI, like many others, do not know you personally, but I have followed your story for awhile now. I think about you often and I am amazed at your grace, beauty, and faith during this incredible trial. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your strong faith!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are in school now. As I read your latest entry I got this overwheming feeling that you will feel led to share your story in class. I think this will be a part of the whole process. It will stem from an assignment that you will be able to relate to your experience.You are both amazing people and I know you will do well.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog, and my heart goes out to you. I lost my mom, who I was extremely close to, a few months ago. Through searching and prayer, I discovered a grief recovery group which has helped tremendously. There is no way for to adequately share the comfort to be found in a room full of people who have been through similar pain. I urge you to do a search for "GriefShare" meetings in your area. They are Christian-based, and non-denominational.
ReplyDeleteThe lack of focus is something I too continue to struggle with. In fact, I told someone just a few days ago that sometimes I wonder if my brain was permanently damaged by the trauma of Jalayne's death.
ReplyDeleteI also understand the overwhelm of picking out the headstone. This too is another step in the process of grief.
Remember that each day we are a little closer to seeing and hold our sweet girls again
Praying Daily for you
Karol
you are both amazing examples of grace and faith.my prayers are with you, I'm sure the on-line entries only touch the tiniest fragment of your pain,
ReplyDeleteAnn
Good for you for sticking with it Ashley! You and Pat are going to make it and I know you will have a successful semester. Just keep going. And keep it in perspective. Just because things are a little different now, doesn't mean everything you do isn't still just for your family. It is. And that's okay. I know the marker will be beautiful and we can't wait to see it. It will be a wonderful reflection of Preslee here on Earth. Keep going, you've got it!
ReplyDeleteI am so excited that you are almost done with school! I am working on gettting back in. I think of you quite often and I pray that you and patrick will continue to find comfort and happiness! Love ya girl!
ReplyDeleteAsh, if you ever need any help with any of your classes please give me a call or send me an e-mail. I am doing student teaching right now, so I've been through all of the classes and I am more than willing to help you in any way I can. Please contact me if you need anything, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteEvery day you've come to class looking amazing. I have no idea how you do it but I really look up to you Ashley! I'm so glad we have some classes together. You teach me that no matter what you can keep going and working hard. I know you'll be an amazing teacher because you have a mother's perspective on things. Keep it up girl!
ReplyDeleteI am sure that every single day is a challenge. But I so much admire your strength and faith that you show in a loving Heavenly Father. I continue to pray for you and Pat and know you will be succesful in your schooling. If I were in a class with you, I would LOVE to know your story, afterall your testimony is so strong and I know you could change several lives because of your trial. Just an idea. Lots of love. :)
ReplyDeleteEvery once in awhile I really miss school, so enjoy it if you can while you are in it. Sometimes its good to be busy so you don't have to think about things and sometimes its nice to take a break - so hopefully you are keeping some balance!
ReplyDeleteYou are so awesome to try and go to school. Reading your story makes me really to try and pay more attention to the people around me.
ReplyDeletei was thinking about this the other day. you have changed my way of thinking. we really never know what anyone else is going through and i've made a promise to keep this in mind with everyone my path crosses. you are so strong and i know you hear that often, but you really are! i can't even imagine having to deal with the situation you are in. keep your chin up and know you are in a lot of peoples thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThat laugh of Pat's will stand him in good stead as he works with children, and his heart is just as big as his laugh. What a great PA he will be . . . and what a great teacher you will be. Growth - it comes whether we want to grow or not, and you two are so open to it. I'm happy for you both that you have a direction to try.
ReplyDeleteWhen ever I think about your sweet family my heart bursts with love. I always think to myself that I wish I could take all the pain away and be there for you each time you cry, but then I have to step back and realize that Christ has already done that for you. Our families may never meet on this earth but I cannot wait to hug you on the other side and thank you for all you went through to bless so many other lives.
ReplyDeleteI love you Sullengers
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteThis is Katie Sommer's sister again. My little girl Kylee is in fifth grade and said she saw you at the middle school this past week. She is in Mr. Durfee's class. She thinks you are working with a fifth grade class. She is always feeling concerned for you and what you are feeling. She is my only girl and has four brothers and has followed your story with me very closely. I told her to say little prayers in her heart when she sees you. You are thought of daily and we pray for you and your husband daily. Hang in there. You are a rock. Love, Michelle Christensen
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I feel like I know you from following your story. I think you are an amazing person. You and your husband have been in my thoughts and prayers. Good for you for going back to school. Good luck with that. Thank you for changing the way I think about the people around me - you never know what they could be going through. Thank you for sharing that talk by Elder Martino - it was something I really needed to read.
I pray that you and your husband will continue to feel comfort and love.
I am thankful that I have crossed paths with you! You are an inspiration to me and A LOT of others and that too can feel overwhelming!!! Yesterday I felt the spirit so strong in Relief Society, the lesson was faith in God, and it was amazing and had me thinking of you and pat and precious Preslee! If Christ is not the center of our lives our "Wheels" will not turn smoothly, they will have bumps in them, I am soooooo glad that we have the gospel in our lives, to help us through the most difficult times in our lives and stay with us when times get tough!!! I love you and thank my Heavenly Father for you and your sweet Husband!! Please know that you continue to be in my prayers and on the prayer roll of the Gila Valley Arizona Temple!!! love a friend
ReplyDeleteTif
Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI'm still hanging in there with you. I plan on reading that talk, thanks for mentioning it. I know we've never met personally but if you ever want to chat my number is 208-251-1362. If your like me it's hard to call friends & family when I'm really stuggling because I feel bad making them listen to me cry when they really can't do anything about my aching heart. I really depend on My Heavenly Father and David at times like that. But I'd love to chat with you. Good Luck with Preslee's headstone, we're hoping Gabie's is placed within the next week or so. I'm kind of dreading it cause then I'll feel like I really need to go to the cemetery and I've been putting it off. Where is Preslee laid to rest? Maybe we'll make a trip down to visit her resting place when you get her headstone all done. I'd love to bring her some pretty flowers. I know this is silly but my girls have said it more than once when listening to me talk about you and your little Preslee. They say "Mom I think maybe that little girl baby and our baby Gabe were supposed to be together, maybe they will get married in heaven." The innocence they have always amazes me. I know we'll never know specifically in this life what Gabe and Preslee are doing on the other side, but I want you to know if by some crazy coincidence Gabe and Preslee are eternal companions our family would be honored. I just wanted to share that with you. I hope you have a good week.
My sister Reigan Decker worked in your snow shack this summer. She called me one day to tell me that Preslee and my Jaxton were almost exactly the same age. She talked about how cute Preslee is and how much she loves you! I remembered who you were from High school so I started to follow your blog. I have been following ever since and have been so impressed by the wonderful people that you and Pat are. It has made me realize the importance in life and has given me that extra patience when I needed it. Today when I read your newest post I felt a bit disappointment in myself for thinking that my life is to hard. So much from what I have learned from you is that our Father in Heaven is in control and that he loves us more than we understand. I also have realized from you that service can be an answer to our frustrations and sadness. Thank you for sharing these things and I know that you and Pat will be more than rewarded for the actions and choices you have made. I am sure it makes Preslee so proud to see her parents have so much faith and touch so many lives. God be with you and your family until you see your sweet Preslee again!
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome Ashley--Keep it up girl. Lots of prayers still sent your way.
ReplyDeleteAShley,
ReplyDeleteI loved your post. The kids said they saw you at school...they love you without even really knowing you. WE love you and continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers. You are such an example to me of staying strong through really hard and trying times and trusting in the Lord. Through my tough times lately, I think so much about you and think to myself, "If AShely and Pat can do hard things..then so can I". Thanks for sharing your thoughs and feelings! You are loved!
Katie
I too have continually kept you and your family in my family prayers. Can't imagine.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Preslee's headstone will be beautiful and great representation of what a beautiful child she was and forever will be! :)
I fasted for you today. (9/19/2010)
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you've seen this website before but it seems like the perfect place for you.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.agoodgrief.com
It is truly amazing how other people seem so care free. I want to scream at them sometimes, "Don't you know that the world ended already?! How are you able to just keep acting like normal life still exists."
ReplyDeleteI am sure you will do great with school. Your mind will learn to compartmentalize and concentrate when it is really needed. I am sure you will be a champion at concentrating by the end of the semester.
I wanted to wish you luck on the headstone. That is something I decided would have to wait until next year. I couldn't face so many decisions and I wanted to make it right. Maybe you could give me some advice when yours is done. It is a truly overwhelming process.
Good luck. I love you. You are in my prayers.
Just found your blog. I'll be keeping y'all in my prayers. I can't imagine what life is like for y'all right now...but I know God is holding you in his arms....and there's no better place to be.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep praying for you. You are amazing.
ReplyDeleteI hope this week is better for you than last week, too. And, please post a picture of her headstone when you have it all finalized. I would love to see it as I'm sure many others would as well. Keep hanging in there, you're doing great.
ReplyDeleteOh, and by the way, I've adopted your motto "I can do hard things." I absolutely love it. Thanks so much for sharing that. Make sure you don't forget it either :)
You speak my language women. I started school in the spring. I then took a class in the summer and now im taking classes in the fall. Can I just say my mind is no where in the classroom. I dont know what it is. I sit there and think im in college. Im only 23. Shouldnt life still be so carefree, innocent, fun? How is it that im now sitting here doing everything in my power not to run and scream in pain. Its so surreal. At the same time im sitting there thinking about my problems, i wonder how many others are sitting there with my same feelings. Makes me hurt for them to. Makes me want to find who that other person is and hug them. Tell them we will keep going together. Even if we dont have the same trail. This sememster is a bit better, Ryan and I are taking the same classes so I stay focused for him. Knowing he is right where I was a few semesters ago. Learning to concentrate when all your thinking of is everything not related to what your learning.... Okay so I didnt mean to say everything you said again- but i did. SO to keep it breif: I agree with everything! haha. I think about you all the time Ashley. I think about how life is for you. I think about your strength. I think about the powerful words you have said many times on here. Thank you for sharing. You hear that alot. But believe it. Let me know if you ever need someone. Just to talk. Just to yell. Sometimes it helps.
ReplyDeleteLove Kendra
Its been a while since I've been to your blog. I imagine Molly has been better at keeping up. I read through several posts. They remind me of the lessons we have learned. Its a big price for an "education". Obviously Heavenly Father wanted us to learn some things and our little girls were advanced enough to graduate early. I like the binky analogy. I hope that school goes well for both of you. That 1st year in particular, my memory just wasn't the same. It is good to have something to focus on though. It took Molly and I a year to get Lucy's headstone. It was just one of those things we couldn't seem to get done. I'm glad that you are getting close to completion. It made a difference to have it there. Sometime we'll meet up. Hang in there. There will be smiles again...
ReplyDeleteI've followed your blog for a while now, but this is my first time commenting. Thank you for your wonderful example & strength. Your family is often in my thoughts & prayers.
ReplyDeleteBTW, my husband is in PA school & we came from BYU-I. We'd be happy to answer any questions if you ever have the need :)
Please visit my blog...there is something there for you!
ReplyDeletehttp://menarethattheymighthavejoy.blogspot.com/2010/09/they-like-me-they-like-me.html
You don't know me but I just wanted to tell you how inspirational your spirit is to me! It's amazing! Remember God has a plan for you. We don't always understand his will but it's always for the best. My family and I are still praying for you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteI was reading a friends blog, and she mentioned your blog, I clicked and have been ever so humbled and moved.
ReplyDeleteIf I had any words of wisdom.
If I had any consololation to offer.
If I had anything to lighten your burden, I would offer it. 10 fold.
God most certainly trusts you and knows your strength.
If I were ever given the opportunity to mother a little girl the name Presley has always been a wished for name. Its meaning is greater for me now. How sweetly you portray your most tender loss. I am in awe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7BwmN_gz2w
(I turn to music, and you may or may not know this song, but if you don't, I think it's perfect)
You both are in my prayers from here on out.
Shay
Your post reminded me of a quote that I love..."Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing!
Check out a blog of one of my friends who lost her baby boy 2 years ago, tiffcorbandcob.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI too, am a Southeast Idaho girl, born and raised. I now live in South Jordan, Ut. Thank you for your, "I Can Do Hard Things." That has been my mantra since the first part of Aug. My father started experiencing stroke-like symptoms. He declined without a diagnosis, though many tests were done. 12 days after we finally had a diagnosis of brain cancer, he passed away. His funeral was this past Monday. Truly, this these days, I have said over and over, "I can do hard things." I think of you guys and what you've endured. After reading your blog, "Answers" I wanted to share this quote with you from Robert D. Hales, "Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future." I know that learning how to express gratitude in ALL things can be a key to healing. I know it in my head...I haven't learned how to do it yet, but I will keep trying. Thank you, so very much, for sharing your amazing Preslee with us.
ReplyDeleteAshley,
ReplyDeleteYou are so dear to my heart and I don't even know you! You left a sweet comment regarding my little Jackson a few days ago and I wanted you to know that I really appreciated it. I have been following you (blog - wise) for a couple months. I am truly truly from the bottom of my heart sorry about your beautiful little Preslee. She is exquisite....just like her gorgeous mommy. She has your eyes you know.
At any rate...I'm not a crazy stalker or anything, but I just wanted to tell you how amazing I think you are. I've often wanted to leave a comment, but just haven't. You have done a remarkable job thus far and I wanted to let you know that I admire your positive insight on things. When I lost my little Jack, being positive and serving others and of course venting it all out via our blog were the only things that seemed to ease some of the pain. My email address is: tiffanyrich@gmail.com. I'm sure you may have friends coming out the wood work to lend a hand, an ear or anything at all to let you know that they are thinking of and praying for you. But thought if you ever needed an ear from a mom that knows, you are so welcomed to lean on me. I think our little ones were right around the same age. Anyway, loves to you and your sweet husband. You inspire me.
Tiffany Rich
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. What a cute baby girl.
ReplyDeleteI felt to share this. My grandma had a baby die and she spent her whole life feeling sad and guilty (died of illness). Before my grandma died she said that she wished she had seen it how God sees it. That it isn't a punishment and some day all of those who didn't loose a child, will say it "isn't fair" that her baby was taken, protected and kept in heaven all these years. She realized after her whole life to trust God's decision on behalf of her baby. She seemed to understand this before she died. For once after all those years she had peace about her loss.
Also, I have a friend who lost her third child when he was 14 months old. She was so strong and relied on the Lord the first three months after he passed. When a child passes away I believe that the spirit and the Lord comfortes the parents on a continual level. When the Lord knows that parent will be okay he gently "sets" them down to heal and learn. It was at this point that she feel into a deep depression. Some of the things she went through were a normal part of the grieving process but than she has let it go on for years. This summer it has been ten years (one decade) since he passed. She still won't let herself be happy or accept the Lord's will in this. She has become bitter toward the Lord and it has effected her other kids and their testimonies. She still goes to church and is involved just a little. I can't give any advice and I don't mean to sound critical. She has been so miserable trying to make it her way and I'm sure she has been making her son that passed miserable as well. Not to mention the sad, depressing, and negative environment she created for her and her family. She has had two more kids and she doesn't seem to enjoy them because she is focused on him being gone. I love her and I think that losing a child has to be one of the most painful things to go throughin this life. We all hoped she would have let herself grieve but than find peace with herself and the Lord. It takes so much faith in the Lord when someone is taken so soon.
It has been so hard to see her spiral down for so long and it will all be for nothing. It takes so much energy to be upset for so long at the Lord.
I think you are intitled to cope with this in anyway. But sometime I hope you make a point to trust the Lord and have a positive happy life. You seem like such a wonderful person and I hope you don't follow either pattern.It is so heart breaking for her, those around her,the Lord and her baby.
It hasn't been much time since Preslee's accident. Time moves so slow at this point. You can do hard things. You and Preslee have been such an inspiration of love motherhood.
Again I'm so sorry you have to go through this. The Lord does love you, your husband,your baby and future family.
Hang in there!!!!!
Hello Ashley my name is Nichole and I am a stranger to you. I have been following your story and you are such an amazing person!! Thank you for sharing this experience with us. I saw this on the news the other night and thought maybe you would want to look at it. eastidahoangelbabies.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteThank you for all of your inspiration!!
I just found your blog. Our thoughts and prayers are with your family.
ReplyDeleteAshlee,
ReplyDeleteI found my way to your blog through Nie and I've been keeping up with your story since. Your and Pat's faith through this trial is amazing to me. I am learning through you and I wanted to tell you that because I hope that it lends some assurance to you and Pat that Preslee's life is working in the lives of others. I don't think a day has gone by since learning of your story that I haven't thought about the words you typed in one of your posts: "So tonight, when you've had a long day and your kids are on your nerves, realize how much different you would be without them". I repeat that to myself when I get stressed with the demands that being a mom can put on you and immediately I can put things into perspective. I pray over my girls at night and I thank God for allowing me one more day to have them in my life. I also pray for you and Pat. May your life fill up with blessings.
You don't know me but I have come to know you through your blog.
ReplyDeleteBrother Call is in my Bishopric and my litte girl is about Preslees age. He came to church that Sunday and looked at my girl and said, "she is exactlly that age with those big eyes." That really hit me hard and when we got home I decided to look up your blog. I followed it during your trial and prayed for you because I can't imagine losing my baby girl or my 5 year old son.
Then, this Saturday during Relief Society conference I sat right infront of you. Sorry if I was staring but I wanted to say something but I didn't know what to say.
I have learned so much from you and find you a rock in the church and faith. In your pictures I am so in awe that you are always smiling even though I'm sure you hurt inside. I've always been told to keep on smiling and everything will get better. You have been proof of that.
Anyway, I still don't know what to say. But, it has been nice to get to know you through your blog and you are teaching me to enjoy even the rough and cranky days with my kids.